第七十八章：灭亡

"If we continue to stay in this house, I won't be happy, you won't be happy, your dad won't be happy." I was stunted by the words, an assault of terrifying fears hunted my soul, I gave no reaction, trying to be calm, struggling against my inner demons, I swallowed up these ghouls of destruction, and paid attention to what mom wanted to continue with. "So I've decided, maybe with my current ability, we could move out into a not-too-low classed flat and stay with your aunt together, who knows if your cousin at Melaka might come and join the hood as well, but if that happens, surely something drastic will burst out from your dad, so what do you think?"

I kept quiet, giving no reply at all. My heart was devastated, it felt like falling into a deep endless large black hole. The worst case scenario that I had expected and gave 3 years of mental preparation to face was about to invade my temporary peaceful life, I knew I couldn't give much of an answer, I'm just 16, what the heck can I do? "We'll stay on like this first, I am still 2 years away from graduation, well, roughly, if I make a decision now, I'll mess up the entire process." That was the best reply I could think of, considering the fact of how nervous and scared I was. "Damn.", I thought. "Mom already has all her plans set to go. Any answer that I give would indicate that I'm choosing a side. I don't want things to split up. I'd rather things go on horrible like this than seeing the family I grew up in crush to bits, leaving no sign of evidence that I even grew up properly."

I was silent throughout the whole journey to school. A series of flashback came on to rip my mind, little pieces of evidence that hinted that this home was going down. Before going to Kelantan, a few hours before the flight, I woke up and mom told me, "Your dad doesn't want to fetch us to the airport, we're running out of time, pack now and we'll take a bus to KL Sentral, and then another to LCCT, quick!" I didn't believe it, dad wasn't the kind of person who would sulk and be irrational. Later, I received his call, I secretly answered it, he wanted to know our location, I told him and it was a relief, he wanted to fetch us, he just didn't gave mom a concrete response, so mom freaked out concluding that he was the "bad guy", but I know he wasn't, or else, he wouldn't have called us. Returning to KL, mom also decided to take public transportation to get home, she gave no sign of desperation that she wanted dad to fetch us. I threw away the comfort of relief straight away, it felt like she had lost the desire to hang on to their marriage, it felt like the only reason she kept going on for 3 years was because of me, she didn't want to dissapoint me. Back home, dad showed no mercy as well. Mom took out a wrist band that she bought for dad so that he could use it when he goes for jogs and workouts, until today, he hasn't even looked at the parcel. These little incidents made me feel more firm on the hypothesis, our family is falling.

Wednesday, it was after school where a heavy rain showered the earth. I planned to go home straight by bus, I was soaked all over thanks to the splashing raindrops, mom called and offered to fetch me, seeing that the rain was too heavy for me to handle. I took a bus to the nearest station where she was. I got down and a dramatic incident was laid before my eyes, hardly impossible for anyone to not notice it. In the middle of the road, under the shower, was a lady, seemed like an Indonesian. She was screaming while her cell phone was by her right ear, sending a message to tell someone to get away from her and die. Everyone went on to listen to that conversation, and then a typical Chinese man came out to give her a hand, intending to pull her back to the bus stop and to calm her down, she was in blast mode, and then the final sentence she passed out shocked my ears. "Go back to your father's house, don't ever call me your mom again, I don't want to see you, You're not my son!" She turned off her phone and was about to throw it out on to the road, the man stopped her, she continued to be emotionally unstable, still crying, angry, frustrated, wet, and devastated. I observed and realized that the woman was the man's maid, and the kind man wanted to help her solve her conflicts. The bus they intended to ride arrived, they got on and left.

Her words, actions, behavior paralyzed my mechanical system. I was barely able to move for a sec or two. What horrors would pop out if I ever happened to choose a side. I struggle with my thoughts, trying to deny every possibility created by my fears. If I choose the flat and my mom, dad goes haywire; if chose dad, mom would go haywire and who knows turn out to be that lady. If I leave after graduation and manage my life alone, both of them would go haywire and the war will never end. I gave mom an answer that would drag eveything until I finish SPM, will I encounter form 6? Will I tackle a course in college? Will I receive a scholarship? And if I do, what's next? My desires push me so that I would seek for help, and I fight with it oppositely, who? Who on earth should I tell? My teachers? What can they do rather than advice? My friends? Do I even have a true buddy to count on? My relatives? They have their own families, how much can they do? No one could help me. I slowly realize, this is a battle that I will have to command on my own. I only have 2 years, what the heck will I do?

This blog should be dead by now. No one might see this, but if ever someone sees this, please, no matter how much I annoy you in life, no matter how close you are to me in life, I'm not trying to sulk and boast my problems to the world, this is just a piece of advice, appreciate your family, don't wait till the end comes then only you regret. My case closes here.

The end.

第七十六章：新年气象

Yeah. Chinese New Year's around the corner. And the most common things we do include: Shopping for snacks, clothes, and food. The younger generations usually go seeking around for the latest trend for their new year attire. Dad will be standing a side looking at his black and shiny coated stuff. It's always the same old thing. Wallets, leather shoes, a classed looking belt, or a simple coat it seems. As for the mom, she would most probably be in two sections, either the food section, or the luxurious shops with her favorite handbags, and those crazy and awful looking heels. Gosh, sometimes I just don't get why would someone buy a high heeled shoe with a fucking lots of strips attached here and there. What's more important is the price that is skyrocket-ed. I could eat 3 meals for 5 days with that amount of money. And it's worse when you get to know that the "recipe" of such a shoe is actually made out of plastic instead of leather. "Why the fuck that expensive?" "Oh, don't you think that the design is brilliant." Fuck you bitch. That money you just burnt could have helped the poor.

Mom pulls me back and slaps me, "One more word I hear from you and that's it." Yes, we were shopping for clothes in a complex. Somehow, I don't really care about what I wear. Every time mom hands out a clothing, I look at it and say "Yeah." And then, everything is settled. So it only takes half an hour to finish the shopping. What's more, we don't buy much. Usually the time wasted is when mom starts her own shopping. She doesn't buy much as well. Because her new clothes need to fulfill the following requirements:
- Cheap (As in really cheap, 30 bucks and above for her is too much :[ )
- Comfortable (As in 100% cotton.)
- Nice (As in a real good looking design.)
It's the same requirement that everyone craves for, but she takes them to a higher level. And so at that time around, I'd stray around and observe the funny moments when other families buy their shirts XD.

Case no.1 The dad stays outside of the shop while the mom looks for some nice T's that would match her son perfectly. The son looks at another sections. "Boy, how about this one?" "No, the design is too simple." Me, "What the hell, with the paint splatters and colorful symbols all over the shirt he calls that simple, and it's collared too!" I stand on another side pretending to look for something as well. But I continue to observe. "Mom, what do you think about this one?" "No way I'm buying you that, you're buying for the shirt, not the printing." The son shows an unwilling and frustrated expression, without hesitation he pops out a couple of words at this mother disrespectfully, "Fine, I'm out of here, nothing suits me here, everything looks so cheap, we'll go somewhere else." He walked out as if he was throwing a tantrum. The mother said nothing and went out as well. After they got out, I got to see their dressings clearer. No doubt, they were rich retards. I randomly picked out a price tag from the series of T's hanging in front of me. Wow. 80 or 70 bucks and above AND THAT IDIOT NAMED IT AS CHEAP. Something wrong with their minds.

Adios to that shop. Went back to Jusco. Where mom would definitely be. When I got there, her hands were still empty, I went to other sections, hoping to seek for another interesting situation. But all I got to see is a completely different situation.

Case No.2 This family was much more interesting. The whole family was choosing shirts for each other. Even the little sister. And they weren't looking for stuff that had hangers on. Instead, they looked for the stuff in "tongs". That's what my mom calls them. I'm sure you've seen those unfolded shirts that they put in one place and then they have a "Flat price 15 bucks" sign attached to the containers. How it looks like isn't important. The main concept is that the shirts in it are usually designs that have not been sold out during the past few years or shirts that have been rejected due to poor quality or other reasons. Kinda like the "reject shop" and it's the kind of section where people seldom "touch". Mom would take me there once or twice because there will still be some great stuff. Like gold among the trash. So the father, simply took something out, and the 14 year old gave a smile. Yes, he wanted it. There wasn't any sign of body language that revealed he wasn't satisfied with his father's selection. And it didn't even take them 20 minutes, they were already paying at the counter. Yes, it reminded me of how family warmth was supposed to be.

Get the difference between the two situations? Happiness can be very simple. Sometimes I prefer to be poor because you get happiness easily through tiny little stuff. But for the rich, they never get satisfied. They want more and more, the desire becomes so strong that they want everything. But the fact that no matter how much money they burn, they can never reach their destinations :)

Song of the week

Happiness - Hanjin feat. MC Jin

Happiness is free
everyone want it to be
For you and me
If you want it to be

咁难得我哋而家咁鬼人齐
我哋应该即刻放低所有问题
一齐轻松倾通宵计
唔开心0既事由得渠沉落海底
当从新开始过 明天会更好喎
呢个思想真系一流松吓膊头郁埋个头拍吓对手
快乐根本冇定义我好有诚意我好想要大家开心d
真正快乐系由边度嚟自
如果你知 唔该你比个地址
我本来都唔开心
听完呢首歌好似比支开心针拮亲
就算我成身得番一蚊我都要HAPPY开心

Happiness is free
everyone want it to be
For you and me
If you want it to be

快乐只不过是一种概念
摸不到 放在心里看不见
让他在我们笑容里出现
多美妙的概念
双脚离地 双手朝天
这首歌就是快乐的宣言
我要让全世界都听见

开心心跳不停理由不清形式不定
开心不须肯定任何反应都是成立的
小时侯, 什么都不理
什么都不必理不必睬不必处理
快乐是一个无价的物体
钱买不到让我送给你

Happiness is free
everyone want it to be
For you and me
If you want it to be

I'm so happy

第七十五章： 东西各方的教育

今天，功课少，再加上前几天一直很努力温习功课，所以今天挤了些时间出来，来写下我的灵感，并和大家分享:D

最近，华文老师一直在苦口婆心，鼓励又忠劝我们多看多读报章后面的言路，吸取多一些知识和看法，方便塞进作文里，为文章添加多一些色彩。看报纸，其实是本尊最讨厌做的事情，因为报纸上所印刷出来的文字，字体极小，要睁大灵窗，一个一个字去看清楚，才能了解内容。不好意思，太麻烦了，吃掉的时间太多，与其我花一个小时把所有的报道，从头条到活力副刊看完，不如我去温习功课？不过现在啊，我已有所改观。事实上，沿路给我的感觉就像是一份报纸的概述，因为里头的每一篇文章的题材，其实都是一些新闻时事，你读了，不但让你知道：“噢，原来事情的来龙去脉正是如此。。。“，你还获得一些更有趣的东西。因为那些笔者，总是爱把该时事描述完毕了以后，在结尾，多加一画，并很幽默地讽刺事情里的主角，或表达自己的感触。我阅读言路的习惯开始了三个星期以后，我越来越爱看报纸了:) 不过今天要分享的，和我的嗜好无关，而是关于我昨天读到的一篇报道。

报道描述的是蔡美兒（Amy L. Chua，1962年－）耶魯大學法學院的小約翰·M·達夫（John M. Duff Jr.）法學教授。她出生在美國伊利諾伊州尚佩恩，父親是菲律賓華人蔡少棠。在杜克大學法學院任教後，她加入成為耶魯大學的教授之一。在開始她的教學生涯中之前，她是佳利·戈特利布·斯蒂恩和漢密爾頓公司的法律助理，專長是國際商業交易、法律、發展、民族衝突研究、全球化和法律。她的新作《虎妈妈的战歌》（Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother）引发了中美两国媒体对子女教育问题的热烈讨论。美国知名报章《华尔街日报》刊载了蔡美儿教授的《虎妈妈的战歌》的节选文章。文章一开头便罗列出蔡教授对女儿们的基本要求：除了体育和戏剧课，所有的课程必须得第一名；不能碰钢琴和小提琴之外的乐器；不能玩电脑游戏；不能自己选择课外活动，等等。此外，她还规定孩子们必须在家里说中文，必须按时上中文课，必须常规学习钢琴和小提琴。 蔡美儿的这篇文章目前已被数十家美国媒体转载，关于如何教育孩子的问题已经在各大中美网站掀起了热议。美国知名时事评论博客网站《赫芬顿邮 报》（The Huffington Post）评论说，中国父母总是相信他们知道“什么对孩子是最好的”，他们会用自己的决定盖过孩子自身的需求和想 法。这也是一种“爱的表现形式”。

我们不谈论蔡美兒，她如何严苛地训练自己的孩子。在这里我想强调的，是蔡美兒的教育观察。她发表了东方教育模式和西方教育模式的不同点，而他的言论，更证明了为什么华裔母亲总是比较优越。
（一）西方社会的父母更加关注孩子的自尊心，往往用非常含蓄的方式来批评孩子，而大多数时候则是给予孩子正面的鼓励。而中国的父母则默认孩子拥有强大的内心，因而倾向于给孩子更多压力和指责。 “中国的父母可以跟孩子说，‘嗨，胖妞，快点减肥吧。’”蔡美儿说，“而相对而言，西方父母则会旁敲侧击地谈这个问题，压根不会使用‘肥胖’这个词，他们会以健康的名义来劝说孩子减肥。而结果孩子们往往照样乱吃东西，最后因为肥胖而产生自卑情绪。”

（二）西方社会的父母会尊重孩子的自主权，孩子想要什么，父母就给什么，因为他们觉得，还自由权利为自己作出选择，身为父母的，就是要造着孩子的意愿去做，在背后尽量支持他，给于今身上的鼓励，说得更好听，就是在孩子做出了抉择以后，再引导他走向他自己选择的光明大道。中国的父母则不会这样做。他们坚信，不管孩子喜不喜欢，只要他们认为是对孩子有益处的，他们就应该去执行，因为他们认为只有他们自己知道孩子的潜能在何处，而那一个潜能，要怎么样才可以把它给逼出来。

（三）中国的父母永远都在抱着：“孩子是前我的，我把他养那么大，他就应该出人头地，好好报答我。”的心态教育孩子。西方社会的父母则认为，孩子并没有选择要在这一个家出生，所以我应该把她照顾好，维护好，保护好。”而往往，西方的孩子也因为受于国大的宠爱，而最终演变成现今社会的“草莓族”

东方教育模式，胜过西方教育模式这已不是什么新鲜大事，根据数据调查的现实，基本上美国国内主要的大学里的资优生，有8成是犹太人，或是华人，他们总是那一群愿意加快脚步，和别人赛跑的积极族群。这时，问题就来了。既然，东方教育模式是如此的成功。那么为什么？从80年代到去年的2010年为止，平均每年有份获得诺贝儿奖的华人，就只有区区那8个人？东方教育模式，缺少的是什么？我们回顾中国的历史与美国的历史来看看。中国经历了抗日大战，共产党的政治振压，以及许多千千万万，我们这一代永远无法感受到的痛苦惨剧。美国有吗？美国是一个多么资源庞大的国家啊！他们可以有那么多伟大的人物来称霸里世界历史事务的五成，原因是什么？因为他们有足够的资源，时间，和知识去进行研究，并儿一次又一次的发表自己的科学理论。中国在忙着干什么呢？打仗！逃难到世界各地的每一个角落苦干赚钱！然后再把钱寄回自己的家乡！我们的祖先，也就是今天所谓的华侨，是吃木薯养活自己的！甚至吃米，也是参石灰粉来避免米粒烂掉的！试问在那样的情况下，我们还有心情去做研究吗？我们连念头都来不及培养！怎么会谈到研究呢？因为诺贝尔奖，就是要你有耐心的去进行几十年的研究并做出结论以后，才能得回的。

中国人，刻苦耐劳，从以前到现在，我们流了多少个时代的汗水，才换回今天的成功？最终，我们的教育模式，错了？还是对了？朋友，不要埋怨父母对你的苛求，今天让你我看看中国，究竟是落后的思想而失败，还是因为落后而成功:D

看来，我也要开始改观了。

第七十四章：质疑

近来的生活如何？这已经是我答到快要腻的问题了。跟同学比较起来，初中评估获取7科"甲"的表现，算是耻辱的一种了，不过因为自己选择了文科系的大道，不管是身边的家人，亲戚，或朋友，不少都有些惊讶，也因此常常把眼睛瞪大问我:"适应得来吗？文科系好玩吗" 懂得提问这一个问题的朋友，我把它们列为 "真心关心" 的一族。至于那些整天问我: "哎呀，你怎么会选择文科系呢？我告诉你，文科系没有前途的!" 这一种人我称为 "白痴"， 别让我有成功的一天，我会让这些没有主见的废物好看。适应得来吗？这是妈妈在上课第一天问我的问题，但后来他又自己回答:"算了，问了等于没有问，你的适应能力那么强，而且一直以来都在一枝独秀，应该没问题的，儿子啊，有时不知道该为你这点感到开心或操心。" 其实，刚看到自己在4P2的时候，难免有些无奈，因为名单上都是自己不熟悉的名字，但随着时间冲淡，自己也觉得没什么大不了，就当作是认识新朋友吧! 凭良心说话，我没有后悔自己的选择，在学习与经济有关的过程当中，我发现经济比科学更有趣，最好玩的是，我能比较了解报章上一切与经济有关的政治报道了，何乐而不为？:)在学校，我不断尝试着改变自己，对于我立下的那一个目标，我还是尽力在付出，我尝试把身段方低，适合的时候，才发言。我不敢说自己做得很好，但某个程度上，我还是觉得，我办到了:D　但是始终，改变自己，不是我人生的一套，我时不时提醒自己，做回自己最好，但为了面子，我还是会硬着头皮去做。

尽管人说:"新的一年，新的希望。" 但我面对的烦恼始终如一，就是那一天比一天更遥远的家庭距离。一家三口，妈妈辛苦，爸爸辛苦，我也辛苦，我们都累了，选择保持沉默，或许是最好的办法。"为什么你不尝试去改变你家的惨剧？" "因为我害怕，我害怕我无法忍受三个月后，可能又会爆发的另一个悲剧，沉默，我选择保持沉默。" 妈妈和爸爸曾经问我:"你是不是有什么不满？有的话就说出来，不要害怕。" 我能吗？对不起，我鼓不起勇气，原谅我的自私，我选择收藏在心里，有什么苦，我自己承担，我不奢求什么改善，就这样的步伐，浩浩荡荡走下去，我就心满意足了。事实上，我看到妈妈举动背后的善意，不知是什么时候开始，他每天都在关心我。我知道的，他想帮我找回心灵上的平衡感。而为了给他一个答案，我就会伪装出一个笑容，给他一个"我现在很快乐"的假象。

At times, this even becomes a habit. I fall for my fake smiles sometimes and tend to think that, hey, I'm so happy. I'm not. I feel like I'm missing something. I need something but I don't know what is it that I need. Everyday when I get back home from school, I stand right in the middle of the living room. Not a single squeak or movement can be detected, but there is a sound in fact. It's the sound of emptiness. Seriously, where am I heading? And why is it that it has to be empty. Look at me right now. It's just me and the computer, dad's out, mom's out, I'm left with my internet and revision. I don't know what I want. I really don't know what I want. If only I knew what I wanted. Then perhaps, I can stop faking smiles.

The empty screams shoot through me again. "Of course, why hadn't I thought about it?"
"I'm lonely..."

最寂寞的时候 - 卢广仲
词:钟成虎 卢广仲 曲:卢广仲

黄昏后人潮散开躲在人群里发呆
看见你走过来有好多的期待 我应该

天空被蓝色晕开我们聊得好灿烂
怀疑美好的现在是否应该有期待 我说

这是今天最寂寞的时候
太阳照著你好温柔
所有的希望怎麽被绝望淹没

这是今天最寂寞的时候
看到他牵著你的手
害怕我自己无法忍受
对不起我会离开 然后

怎麽还没有走开怎麽在原地徘徊
风光美好的现在为甚麽在等待我说

这是今天最寂寞的时候
太阳照著你好温柔
所有的希望怎麽被绝望淹没

这是今天最寂寞的时候
看到他牵著你的手
害怕我自己无法忍受
对不起我会离开 然后

天空被蓝色晕开昨天聊得好灿烂
风光明媚的现在我说

第七十三章: 有了感情的负担

I hardly touch my blog anymore. Not due to laziness. But due to surprising flow of inspirations that crush my minds. To present them all out at once, is hectic. As a result, the ideas increase until it tops up like a mountain, and I stand on the summit, like an ant not knowing how to take care of it. But there's one thing that has been bothering me and I've just started to notice that it has fallen into a stage where it cannot be saved anymore, I'm talking about mom and her kindergarten, or perhaps you could put in another way, mom's burden of her lifetime.

A few weeks ago, I was in camp. the camp was estimated to last for a month. 2 weeks of class and actual camping activities to do, and another two weeks of free time. In the actual weeks, things rocked. It was hell fun, a few more friends from Johor came and join our big family. We learned to improve our skills in looking after kids and also, to be a little more srtict on our own attitude and daily acts. The learned lots of stuff and made lots of friends as well. After the actual week we took them to KL for a quick tour, I would never forget the silly idea of lingering around the Lau Yat plaza, targeting cellphones. And also how we had fun being vegetarians. Seriously, try going to McDonalds for fries with ketchup and chili sauce while ignoring the temptation Juicy Chicken thigh and beef patties, after you try that, do inform me if you don't feel awkward. Oh, and I also would not forget how we randomly looked at longed for Gundam SD model kits at Berjaya Times Square. Anyway, back to the topic. I had to leave the camp earlier than expected to help mom in the kindergarten, other teachers had their own plans and vacations. So, I obeyed orders.

Unusually, the kindergarten, had no enquiries.

To recall the history, mom established the kindy when I was standard 2. that would be around year 2003 and 2002. Back then it wasn't really packed, I suppose that mom, with hope, was keeping her hands crossed, hoping that the figures would shoot in a year or two. Although there was one year, when things were at the peak and they had a Not-So-Bad achievement, but ever since then, things did not get better, it got harder, tougher, and rougher. While figures were dropping, mom had to consider loads of stuff, the workers income, bills and stuff to pay, but the money flow that came in, became lesser, lesser and lesser. I started to realize that I had an amazing mother, who has carried that burden for over 7 years, imagine, how she'd manage to withstand such pressure, but always keeps her smile wide open to kids, when she has to suffer all that pain. I'm not saying physically but, mentally. And after all that suffocation, she doesn't give up, she always looked for solutions on her own, not even mentioning it to dad. Although the solutions never worked out, I admire her spirit.

And now, she has more problems to cope with, one of her biggest problems, will be to search for a new location for the kindergarten, as the owner of the house will be claiming back that huge comfortable house for sale. She only has three months, she has no new students next year, for now, and she has her purse, filled with miserable small notes, that will only last for a short time. But yet today, I saw how she continued to save keep her teaching and educating passion burning on, although things were about to weigh her down, she smiled at the children and shouted: "Drink your water!" I have to admit, I don't like her kindy, for one reason. I hate kids. But the burden she has carried all these years and refused to let go of, perhaps was the thing that has kept her going on. This burden perhaps, she will be willing to carry for another 10 years. If... if... she had the ability and strength to. Watching the era of Teratak Ilmu starting to shake, I don't have a clue whether it will go on, but there's one thing for sure, the house, is filled with lots of memorable memories, and laughter of children that mom will always remember, even when she tells me that :"Son, I don't want to do this anymore."

I end this post with silence, while my ears perk up as mom's laughter shifts through my ear canals.

-身骑白马-

这世界上最痛苦的感觉，就是看着自己呕心沥血的成就，慢慢地消失人间，化成尘埃。

第七十二章：丑角的狗屎运

Yeah. Back after a long wait. According to logical time line, there should be an update about the class trip. But lets skip that, I destroyed my hand phone and camera thanks to the trip and a very good friend. (Au Yong. Fuck you.) This adds up to a total lost of 1100 bucks. So, Im'ma skip the Pangkor trip.

If that's the case. I might as well share a homo experience. A motivation camp was held at Yak Chee. Ya know? The famous school in Puchong? The one that's a hundred times more fabulous than Han Ming? You should get a concept. The camp was to motivate problem students (Standard 5) who are going to face UPSR next year. So why did I participate? No. My brains have not explode yet. Well I was, fortunately selected to guide the students. (I would prefer to put it as unfortunately) Basically things were simple. You just had to be by their side, teach and motivate them whenever a lesson or program was carried out. The only obstacle was to reach full standard of what the teacher wanted. Damn, seriously, to be good in details, polite (as in, giving a 90 degree bow whenever you meet a teacher, and to sit still and straight silently when you're enjoying meals, and lots of other stuff, in which if you fail to perform all of it, you get a nice scolding, or a kick in the ass.), quick and so on... it was a tough one. The best part came when night fell. We were supposed to finish stuff at Yak Chee, later on to return to our center at OUG to sleep, but our mentor made huge change, we returned to the center for a meeting, and were ordered to have a five minute bath, and then take our luggage and sleeping bags and belongings back to Yak Chee, and have another meeting again. AND NO, WE WEREN'T GOING TO SLEEP AT THE CENTER. By the time things were settled, the clock stroke 2 in the morning. Say hello to exhaustion.

But hey, all those clinging around being tossed up and thrown down, was worth it. We got to know ourselves better, understand our weaknesses and, I've gotten much better after weeks and weeks of emo-ing, at least, not as lonely as before. So yeah. It's alright. But the bad news is. I got another 7 days and 6 nights camp to attend to next week. So that's all for updates, I need to rest. I got one heck of a battle ahead.

Song of the week
Firework - Katy Perry
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

第七十一章：找不到的积极

It's been more or less 3 weeks after PMR, that's almost like a month, I can recall how I imagined life would be before the battle. It was definitely... bright, joy, and... happiness... But what I am doing and feeling now, is completely the opposite, the freedom I have is slacking me, my free time is spent on the internet everyday and almost every second, I still play the piano, it's soothing and relaxing, good thing I still feel the catch when the key is pressed, the nostalgic melody blasting out of that black enormous wooden instrument, but the thing that matters, is the loneliness you get everyday after a piece is practiced. You feel... somehow empty, is it because... I don't have any goals for the moment? Or because, I have too much free time to worry about every little aspect in reality? I fear, that when the red letter day arrives, people around me will be smiling with the achievements they have in hand, when they actually work only that slightly, and I, being depressed over how pathetic I was, working so hard, but getting nothing...

The best part comes when someone approaches you and telling how useless you are indirectly, for an example, my father. I don't blame him for his standards, forgetting to close the tap water, seriously it's my fault, but to struggle through his scoldings with the right expression, is really suffocating. What should I do when I get a telling from you? Smile? Say I'm sorry? Sulk over your anger? Or just keep myself silent? It hurts even more when you didn't do it actually, it was someone else who was guilty, and that person, is the one who is nagging you. I don't tell you about your carelessness sometimes dad, because I know life's hard for you, if I were to confront you, I'd understand how you feel, but for goodness sake, I'm the one who didn't close the tap, but so do you at times. How can I reach up to your standards? I tried. But probably, I'll just keep moving on, without a destination.

I try to find myself a destination,but end up getting lost again and again, time after time. It's always the same no matter what is concerned, studies, family, attitude, and even at times, love (Come to think of it, I seldom talk about it.). I feel so pathetic at times, I hypnotize myself everyday, but it's true, when it invades, then it invades, you can't escape, I keep reminding myself, I am not a flirt, I should never flirt, I've been doing this for years, but I've some to realize, that that isn't the case, I found my true self to be one. Therefore I choose to keep quiet, I press myself, but pathetically, I check your profile everyday, view your blog as frequent as I could, in the end, I end up looking like a stalker, I try to resist, but I fail once gain. In so many of these cases, it's not that I don't want to, I have a desire, I have a map, I have my plans, but as I said, I lack a destination. And now it even pressures me as another big battle is coming up, I've got loads of camps to go, they all require positivity, I'll fail big time if I don't try to change, but what can I possibly do, when bad thoughts just plague in my mind?

Damn, Why am I so pathetic?

Song Of the Week
Split - Suneohair

ありふれている
Arifurete iru
気持ちなんでさ
kimochi nante sa
何も言わずにいっそ
Nani mo iwazu ni isso
消えてしまえば楽になれるのに
Kieteshimaeba raku ni nareru no ni
見つめ合ってた
Mitsume atteta
君の瞳に
kimi no hitomi ni
映る自分が揺れてる
Utsuru jibun ga yurete
とぼけた様に口を開けたまま
Toboketayou ni kuchi wo aketa mama
それぞれの道を行く
Sorezore no michi wo yuku
その分かれ道
sono wakaremichi
もう二度と逢う事の無い
Mou nidoto au koto no nai
出会いは悲しすぎる
deai wa kanashisugiru
足りない気持ちを持ち寄って
Tarinai kimochi wo mochiyotte
温めた先から冷えていって
Atatameta saki kara hieteitte
そんなはずないって信じてる
"Sonna hazunai" tte shinjiteru
一体いつまで同じ言葉を
Ittai itsumade onaji kotoba wo
抱え込んでんだ　抱え込んでんだ
Kakaekondenda Kakaekondenda
見つめ続ける
Mitsume tsudzukeru
君の瞳に
kimi no hitomi ni
映る景色が変わった
Utsuru keshiki ga kawatta
僕の知らない新しいひかり
Boku no shiranai atarashii hikari
それぞれに道を行く
Sorezore no michi wo yuku
今、分かれ道
Ima wakaremichi
もう二度と振り返らない
Mou nidoto furikaeranai
気持ちが走り過ぎる
kimochi ga hashirisugiru
消えそうな夜に抱き合って
Kiesouna yoru ni nakiatte
冷えきった体で連れたって
Hiekitta karada de motsuretatte
何か足りないって感じてる
"Nani ka tarinai" tte kanjiteru
一体いつから嘘もため息も
Ittai itsu kara uso no tameiki wo
抱え込んでんだ　支えきれない程
Kakaekondenda Sasaekirenai koto
足りない気持ちを持ち寄って
Tarinai kimochi wo mochiyotte
温めた先から冷えていって
Atatameta saki kara hieteitte
こんなはずないって信じてる
"Konna hazunai" tte shinjiteru
一体いつまで同じ言葉を
Ittai itsumade onaji kotoba wo
抱え込んでんだ　抱え込んでんだ
Kakaekondenda Kakaekondenda

(Translated)

If only things could get easier if
All those common feelings would
Fade to nothing all the more by saying nothing

The me reflected in your eyes
When we gaze at each other is shaking
With his mouth wide open like he's playing dumb

I'll take every path
That crossroad
When you'll never see them again
Meeting someone is too sad

Exchanging insufficient feelings
Growing cold after having warmed up
I believe that that can't be how it is
Just how long will I take upon myself
The same words? The same words?

The landscape reflected in your eyes,
Which continue to gaze at it, have changed
There's a new light that I don't know

I'll take the paths respectively
Now, a crossroad
Without ever turning back again
My feelings run too far

Even if we make love on a night that's about to fade
And get tangled up with our completely cold bodies
I feel that something's not enough
For just how long have I taken upon myself
Lies and sighs, so many that I can't support them?

Exchanging insufficient feelings
Growing cold after having warmed up
I believe that that can't be how it is
Just how long will I take upon myself
The same words? The same words?