第七十一章：找不到的积极

It's been more or less 3 weeks after PMR, that's almost like a month, I can recall how I imagined life would be before the battle. It was definitely... bright, joy, and... happiness... But what I am doing and feeling now, is completely the opposite, the freedom I have is slacking me, my free time is spent on the internet everyday and almost every second, I still play the piano, it's soothing and relaxing, good thing I still feel the catch when the key is pressed, the nostalgic melody blasting out of that black enormous wooden instrument, but the thing that matters, is the loneliness you get everyday after a piece is practiced. You feel... somehow empty, is it because... I don't have any goals for the moment? Or because, I have too much free time to worry about every little aspect in reality? I fear, that when the red letter day arrives, people around me will be smiling with the achievements they have in hand, when they actually work only that slightly, and I, being depressed over how pathetic I was, working so hard, but getting nothing...

The best part comes when someone approaches you and telling how useless you are indirectly, for an example, my father. I don't blame him for his standards, forgetting to close the tap water, seriously it's my fault, but to struggle through his scoldings with the right expression, is really suffocating. What should I do when I get a telling from you? Smile? Say I'm sorry? Sulk over your anger? Or just keep myself silent? It hurts even more when you didn't do it actually, it was someone else who was guilty, and that person, is the one who is nagging you. I don't tell you about your carelessness sometimes dad, because I know life's hard for you, if I were to confront you, I'd understand how you feel, but for goodness sake, I'm the one who didn't close the tap, but so do you at times. How can I reach up to your standards? I tried. But probably, I'll just keep moving on, without a destination.

I try to find myself a destination,but end up getting lost again and again, time after time. It's always the same no matter what is concerned, studies, family, attitude, and even at times, love (Come to think of it, I seldom talk about it.). I feel so pathetic at times, I hypnotize myself everyday, but it's true, when it invades, then it invades, you can't escape, I keep reminding myself, I am not a flirt, I should never flirt, I've been doing this for years, but I've some to realize, that that isn't the case, I found my true self to be one. Therefore I choose to keep quiet, I press myself, but pathetically, I check your profile everyday, view your blog as frequent as I could, in the end, I end up looking like a stalker, I try to resist, but I fail once gain. In so many of these cases, it's not that I don't want to, I have a desire, I have a map, I have my plans, but as I said, I lack a destination. And now it even pressures me as another big battle is coming up, I've got loads of camps to go, they all require positivity, I'll fail big time if I don't try to change, but what can I possibly do, when bad thoughts just plague in my mind?

Damn, Why am I so pathetic?

Song Of the Week
Split - Suneohair

ありふれている
Arifurete iru
気持ちなんでさ
kimochi nante sa
何も言わずにいっそ
Nani mo iwazu ni isso
消えてしまえば楽になれるのに
Kieteshimaeba raku ni nareru no ni
見つめ合ってた
Mitsume atteta
君の瞳に
kimi no hitomi ni
映る自分が揺れてる
Utsuru jibun ga yurete
とぼけた様に口を開けたまま
Toboketayou ni kuchi wo aketa mama
それぞれの道を行く
Sorezore no michi wo yuku
その分かれ道
sono wakaremichi
もう二度と逢う事の無い
Mou nidoto au koto no nai
出会いは悲しすぎる
deai wa kanashisugiru
足りない気持ちを持ち寄って
Tarinai kimochi wo mochiyotte
温めた先から冷えていって
Atatameta saki kara hieteitte
そんなはずないって信じてる
"Sonna hazunai" tte shinjiteru
一体いつまで同じ言葉を
Ittai itsumade onaji kotoba wo
抱え込んでんだ　抱え込んでんだ
Kakaekondenda Kakaekondenda
見つめ続ける
Mitsume tsudzukeru
君の瞳に
kimi no hitomi ni
映る景色が変わった
Utsuru keshiki ga kawatta
僕の知らない新しいひかり
Boku no shiranai atarashii hikari
それぞれに道を行く
Sorezore no michi wo yuku
今、分かれ道
Ima wakaremichi
もう二度と振り返らない
Mou nidoto furikaeranai
気持ちが走り過ぎる
kimochi ga hashirisugiru
消えそうな夜に抱き合って
Kiesouna yoru ni nakiatte
冷えきった体で連れたって
Hiekitta karada de motsuretatte
何か足りないって感じてる
"Nani ka tarinai" tte kanjiteru
一体いつから嘘もため息も
Ittai itsu kara uso no tameiki wo
抱え込んでんだ　支えきれない程
Kakaekondenda Sasaekirenai koto
足りない気持ちを持ち寄って
Tarinai kimochi wo mochiyotte
温めた先から冷えていって
Atatameta saki kara hieteitte
こんなはずないって信じてる
"Konna hazunai" tte shinjiteru
一体いつまで同じ言葉を
Ittai itsumade onaji kotoba wo
抱え込んでんだ　抱え込んでんだ
Kakaekondenda Kakaekondenda

(Translated)

If only things could get easier if
All those common feelings would
Fade to nothing all the more by saying nothing

The me reflected in your eyes
When we gaze at each other is shaking
With his mouth wide open like he's playing dumb

I'll take every path
That crossroad
When you'll never see them again
Meeting someone is too sad

Exchanging insufficient feelings
Growing cold after having warmed up
I believe that that can't be how it is
Just how long will I take upon myself
The same words? The same words?

The landscape reflected in your eyes,
Which continue to gaze at it, have changed
There's a new light that I don't know

I'll take the paths respectively
Now, a crossroad
Without ever turning back again
My feelings run too far

Even if we make love on a night that's about to fade
And get tangled up with our completely cold bodies
I feel that something's not enough
For just how long have I taken upon myself
Lies and sighs, so many that I can't support them?

Exchanging insufficient feelings
Growing cold after having warmed up
I believe that that can't be how it is
Just how long will I take upon myself
The same words? The same words?