第七十一章：找不到的积极

It's been more or less 3 weeks after PMR, that's almost like a month, I can recall how I imagined life would be before the battle. It was definitely... bright, joy, and... happiness... But what I am doing and feeling now, is completely the opposite, the freedom I have is slacking me, my free time is spent on the internet everyday and almost every second, I still play the piano, it's soothing and relaxing, good thing I still feel the catch when the key is pressed, the nostalgic melody blasting out of that black enormous wooden instrument, but the thing that matters, is the loneliness you get everyday after a piece is practiced. You feel... somehow empty, is it because... I don't have any goals for the moment? Or because, I have too much free time to worry about every little aspect in reality? I fear, that when the red letter day arrives, people around me will be smiling with the achievements they have in hand, when they actually work only that slightly, and I, being depressed over how pathetic I was, working so hard, but getting nothing...

The best part comes when someone approaches you and telling how useless you are indirectly, for an example, my father. I don't blame him for his standards, forgetting to close the tap water, seriously it's my fault, but to struggle through his scoldings with the right expression, is really suffocating. What should I do when I get a telling from you? Smile? Say I'm sorry? Sulk over your anger? Or just keep myself silent? It hurts even more when you didn't do it actually, it was someone else who was guilty, and that person, is the one who is nagging you. I don't tell you about your carelessness sometimes dad, because I know life's hard for you, if I were to confront you, I'd understand how you feel, but for goodness sake, I'm the one who didn't close the tap, but so do you at times. How can I reach up to your standards? I tried. But probably, I'll just keep moving on, without a destination.

I try to find myself a destination,but end up getting lost again and again, time after time. It's always the same no matter what is concerned, studies, family, attitude, and even at times, love (Come to think of it, I seldom talk about it.). I feel so pathetic at times, I hypnotize myself everyday, but it's true, when it invades, then it invades, you can't escape, I keep reminding myself, I am not a flirt, I should never flirt, I've been doing this for years, but I've some to realize, that that isn't the case, I found my true self to be one. Therefore I choose to keep quiet, I press myself, but pathetically, I check your profile everyday, view your blog as frequent as I could, in the end, I end up looking like a stalker, I try to resist, but I fail once gain. In so many of these cases, it's not that I don't want to, I have a desire, I have a map, I have my plans, but as I said, I lack a destination. And now it even pressures me as another big battle is coming up, I've got loads of camps to go, they all require positivity, I'll fail big time if I don't try to change, but what can I possibly do, when bad thoughts just plague in my mind?

Damn, Why am I so pathetic?

Song Of the Week
Split - Suneohair

ありふれている
Arifurete iru
気持ちなんでさ
kimochi nante sa
何も言わずにいっそ
Nani mo iwazu ni isso
消えてしまえば楽になれるのに
Kieteshimaeba raku ni nareru no ni
見つめ合ってた
Mitsume atteta
君の瞳に
kimi no hitomi ni
映る自分が揺れてる
Utsuru jibun ga yurete
とぼけた様に口を開けたまま
Toboketayou ni kuchi wo aketa mama
それぞれの道を行く
Sorezore no michi wo yuku
その分かれ道
sono wakaremichi
もう二度と逢う事の無い
Mou nidoto au koto no nai
出会いは悲しすぎる
deai wa kanashisugiru
足りない気持ちを持ち寄って
Tarinai kimochi wo mochiyotte
温めた先から冷えていって
Atatameta saki kara hieteitte
そんなはずないって信じてる
"Sonna hazunai" tte shinjiteru
一体いつまで同じ言葉を
Ittai itsumade onaji kotoba wo
抱え込んでんだ　抱え込んでんだ
Kakaekondenda Kakaekondenda
見つめ続ける
Mitsume tsudzukeru
君の瞳に
kimi no hitomi ni
映る景色が変わった
Utsuru keshiki ga kawatta
僕の知らない新しいひかり
Boku no shiranai atarashii hikari
それぞれに道を行く
Sorezore no michi wo yuku
今、分かれ道
Ima wakaremichi
もう二度と振り返らない
Mou nidoto furikaeranai
気持ちが走り過ぎる
kimochi ga hashirisugiru
消えそうな夜に抱き合って
Kiesouna yoru ni nakiatte
冷えきった体で連れたって
Hiekitta karada de motsuretatte
何か足りないって感じてる
"Nani ka tarinai" tte kanjiteru
一体いつから嘘もため息も
Ittai itsu kara uso no tameiki wo
抱え込んでんだ　支えきれない程
Kakaekondenda Sasaekirenai koto
足りない気持ちを持ち寄って
Tarinai kimochi wo mochiyotte
温めた先から冷えていって
Atatameta saki kara hieteitte
こんなはずないって信じてる
"Konna hazunai" tte shinjiteru
一体いつまで同じ言葉を
Ittai itsumade onaji kotoba wo
抱え込んでんだ　抱え込んでんだ
Kakaekondenda Kakaekondenda

(Translated)

If only things could get easier if
All those common feelings would
Fade to nothing all the more by saying nothing

The me reflected in your eyes
When we gaze at each other is shaking
With his mouth wide open like he's playing dumb

I'll take every path
That crossroad
When you'll never see them again
Meeting someone is too sad

Exchanging insufficient feelings
Growing cold after having warmed up
I believe that that can't be how it is
Just how long will I take upon myself
The same words? The same words?

The landscape reflected in your eyes,
Which continue to gaze at it, have changed
There's a new light that I don't know

I'll take the paths respectively
Now, a crossroad
Without ever turning back again
My feelings run too far

Even if we make love on a night that's about to fade
And get tangled up with our completely cold bodies
I feel that something's not enough
For just how long have I taken upon myself
Lies and sighs, so many that I can't support them?

Exchanging insufficient feelings
Growing cold after having warmed up
I believe that that can't be how it is
Just how long will I take upon myself
The same words? The same words?

第七十一章：探望

Yeah, Obviously from my title, you'd know I visited someone. Not just me, me and the gang. Went to Darrelle's place, and it was "kinda" fun? I doubt. The best part was the food, because, there was pizza!! The horrible, rather more horrified part was the Movie: The Orphan. Fuck, I wonder what Americans think about everyday. I mean, why and how these directors think of such stories? Why even think about it? It's amazing how you can squeeze in so many stuff in to a movie, Sex, Horror, Homicide, Blood, Revenge. Eww... Sorry, a big apology I present to all fans out there, I go for movies like Grown-Ups :)

The photos were uploaded at facebook. Gawd bless our creative comments :D

I didn't go to school today, Why should I send myself to the gates of boredom? At least I have my rubix, piano, guitar at home :) And Yes, last but not least, the Internet :D Wanted to go out for lunch. But the look of the whether was such a fuck face, so fucking grey and dark, wind was blowing. Obviously it was about to pee from the sky :) (Shit, I'm addicted to using emotional icons.) So I cooked lunch. No choice, Instant noodles and sausages, After I finished cooking my meal, FUCK!!!! The whether went bright again. What a Jackass.

Really boring these days, I have nothing to do other than practicing piano, playing rubix, and surfing the net. That's it, Life after PMR = Lifeless. I'M GETTING MYSELF A BUKU RUJUKAN EKONOMI ASAS. ROAR!!!!

Song Of the Week
伴 - 黄小琥
作词:姚若龙 作曲:于晓光、李伟菘

如果 命运可以订做
如果 有另一次选择
我想我 还是会 把手让你紧握
快乐地陪你去坎坷

就算 你有天变落魄
就算 你老得不能动
我想我 还是会 挽着你看日落
你的心疼在泪光中

嘴巴上 彼此嫌麻烦
眼神中 关怀那么满
没说爱 却早已认定一辈子的伴
在人前 从来不浪漫
在心中 却总为对方打算
最懂的人最暖的伴

就算 我以后变罗嗦
就算 我老了有病痛
我想你 还是会 照顾我到最后
隐藏脆弱不眠不休

没有辛酸 没有遗憾
什么是陪伴 什么是心安
你是答案

PS: 不必上线，每一词每一句都很到味:D
- 身骑白马-

第七十章：让我一次过爆炸

No. Once again let me inform that YU HAN'S BLOG ISN'T DEAD. The reason it wasn't updated right after PMR was because my internet couldn't connect properly. Now the damn connection is refreshed, everything is serviced. Somehow I know it's kinda late to say this, but still allow me to carry out the ceremony.

GOOD BYE Penilaian Menengah Rendah

MARILAH KITA BAKAR BUKU SEMUA!!!!

Point No.1 has been pointed out, now let me continue on. LIFE AFTER PMR IS... amusing. Last Friday was crazy. Shi Ken destroyed to pieces of glass by giving a hard kick to that mini adidas ball that Jer Shyan brought. After school, we planned originally to have a feast at Domino's, but the afternoon session students dominated the shop. With force, we had to go to the Ipoh chicken rice shop. The feast had two occasions. One, as a nice farewell to our classmate, Qian Ying who will be transferring. I hear that it's kinda like home-schooling. Is that true? I doubt. The second purpose was to celebrate 3A4's last day together in class. (You see, our dumbass school authorities wouldn't open the class doors for us, we'll have to linger around the school. So sad...

Story number two. My worst Saturday ever.(Yesterday.) The gang planned to play football. I wanted to go. Mom did not know how to go. The solution was to fetch me to school and wait for my dear friend to come and fetch me. So I waited. I waited for quite a long time. Finally I thought that they were pulling my legs. Due to my impatience of waiting. I decided to explore the area myself. I took a 10 minutes walk to the bus stop, below the EPF building. I waited for 30 minutes. Fuck, not one bus that passed by was heading to Mid Valley, my plan was to find out which particular bus would be heading towards the Puchong bus station. (Around my house.) Again, I didn't want waste time, I took another long walk to the Taman Jaya LRT station, bought a ticket to KL central, I wanted to try my luck there because I know that there is a particular bus there. When I arrived. I looked and asked for information. I was told to wait in front of the KL monorail station. I ran there, fearing that the bus might have already left. Finally, hope came, I caught a glimpse of that bus. Rapid KL U60. Hopping on, I was ready to pay the bus driver his salary. But instead, he drove off, it was too late for me to pay. "Never mind I'll pay when he arrives the next station. Now here's the condition. The next stop was Pasar Seni. The back part of the bus was the only place where seats were situated. The middle part was empty, designed specially for the crippled. I stood at the front part. A few footsteps away from the driver seat. He drove so fast that I had to grab on to support, leaving me no time at all to pay. When we arrived Pasar Seni. Great, I could finally pay. I was "this" close to saying, "Minta maaf bang, tadi tak sempat nak bayarlah bang." He impolitely forced me, "Turun dik, kalau tak mau bayar turun." I bared with him, "Minta maaflah bang, tadi betul-betul tak sempat, sebab saya takut nanti jatuh ma..." "You mau bayar, you tunggu." Waited. "Sorry bang, takde duit kecil, duit besar boleh." (Take note, he had small notes in his hand where he could actually give me the change.)
"Apa la ni, saya tak peduli you pergi luar tukar." Now after thrice times of tolerance was made, I really could not hold myself anymore, but I only wanted to go home that moment, I got off the bus, looking for stalls nearby, I found one, and requested for exchange, the fucking hawker forced me to buy her stuff, I said NO, you give me the exchange, why should I buy your stuff? She said fine, no exchange, frustrated, I picked up a a packet of sliced fruit and asked the priced, I bought it, But I did not eat it, instead, I threw the packet at her face and said, "Next time I visit your stall, Im'ma kick throw some durians at you." (Hey lady, in case of you seeing this, you must be a uneducated low class jack ass MALAY.) Now comes the climax. I went back, the bus was gone. Let me skip through how I got back home. Allow me to share what my mother said.

"This is the society, you cannot be angry at them, you must bare with them, or else you'll only suffer when you come out and work in the society." Here's how I replied her. "MOM, WHEN THE SOCIETY GETS SICK, WHEN WRONG BECOMES RIGHT, YOU DON'T FOLLOW THE FLOW JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET AWAY FROM TROUBLE, INSTEAD YOU FIGHT IT, YOU FIGHT FOR JUSTICE AND DO WHAT IS RIGHT. SO WHAT IF I FIND MYSELF IN TROUBLE IN THE FUTURES SO WHAT? AT LEAST IN THE END, I DID THE RIGHT THING PRINCIPALLY AND THEY DID THE WRONG THING, WHAT I HAVE TO REGRET, IT'S ALWAYS WORTH IT TO GO THROUGH SOME TROUBLE, BEAT THAT MOM." "Fine, go ahead with your principles." She ended up speechless, speechless for me being stubborn or being determined. I have no interest in knowing.

PS: Rapid KL, the next time you look for a bus driver, please educate them, they all look like dogs, no they look like wild boars, THEY HAVE NO MANNERS.

Song of the week
天天 - 陶喆

太阳天或下雨天
人挤人的咖啡店
找一个能想你舒服的角落
看着情人肩靠肩
慢慢转开我视线
有个女孩让我好想念
我的心已经飞到这个城市的另一边
想看着你 爱上的脸
把心里的感情都对你说
那马路上天天都在塞
而每个人天天在忍耐
没有你日子很黑白
原来这样就是恋爱
我想要你在我身边
分享生命中的一切
我想要天天说 天天说
天天对你说我有多爱你
天天说 I Love You.