第七十三章: 有了感情的负担

I hardly touch my blog anymore. Not due to laziness. But due to surprising flow of inspirations that crush my minds. To present them all out at once, is hectic. As a result, the ideas increase until it tops up like a mountain, and I stand on the summit, like an ant not knowing how to take care of it. But there's one thing that has been bothering me and I've just started to notice that it has fallen into a stage where it cannot be saved anymore, I'm talking about mom and her kindergarten, or perhaps you could put in another way, mom's burden of her lifetime.

A few weeks ago, I was in camp. the camp was estimated to last for a month. 2 weeks of class and actual camping activities to do, and another two weeks of free time. In the actual weeks, things rocked. It was hell fun, a few more friends from Johor came and join our big family. We learned to improve our skills in looking after kids and also, to be a little more srtict on our own attitude and daily acts. The learned lots of stuff and made lots of friends as well. After the actual week we took them to KL for a quick tour, I would never forget the silly idea of lingering around the Lau Yat plaza, targeting cellphones. And also how we had fun being vegetarians. Seriously, try going to McDonalds for fries with ketchup and chili sauce while ignoring the temptation Juicy Chicken thigh and beef patties, after you try that, do inform me if you don't feel awkward. Oh, and I also would not forget how we randomly looked at longed for Gundam SD model kits at Berjaya Times Square. Anyway, back to the topic. I had to leave the camp earlier than expected to help mom in the kindergarten, other teachers had their own plans and vacations. So, I obeyed orders.

Unusually, the kindergarten, had no enquiries.

To recall the history, mom established the kindy when I was standard 2. that would be around year 2003 and 2002. Back then it wasn't really packed, I suppose that mom, with hope, was keeping her hands crossed, hoping that the figures would shoot in a year or two. Although there was one year, when things were at the peak and they had a Not-So-Bad achievement, but ever since then, things did not get better, it got harder, tougher, and rougher. While figures were dropping, mom had to consider loads of stuff, the workers income, bills and stuff to pay, but the money flow that came in, became lesser, lesser and lesser. I started to realize that I had an amazing mother, who has carried that burden for over 7 years, imagine, how she'd manage to withstand such pressure, but always keeps her smile wide open to kids, when she has to suffer all that pain. I'm not saying physically but, mentally. And after all that suffocation, she doesn't give up, she always looked for solutions on her own, not even mentioning it to dad. Although the solutions never worked out, I admire her spirit.

And now, she has more problems to cope with, one of her biggest problems, will be to search for a new location for the kindergarten, as the owner of the house will be claiming back that huge comfortable house for sale. She only has three months, she has no new students next year, for now, and she has her purse, filled with miserable small notes, that will only last for a short time. But yet today, I saw how she continued to save keep her teaching and educating passion burning on, although things were about to weigh her down, she smiled at the children and shouted: "Drink your water!" I have to admit, I don't like her kindy, for one reason. I hate kids. But the burden she has carried all these years and refused to let go of, perhaps was the thing that has kept her going on. This burden perhaps, she will be willing to carry for another 10 years. If... if... she had the ability and strength to. Watching the era of Teratak Ilmu starting to shake, I don't have a clue whether it will go on, but there's one thing for sure, the house, is filled with lots of memorable memories, and laughter of children that mom will always remember, even when she tells me that :"Son, I don't want to do this anymore."

I end this post with silence, while my ears perk up as mom's laughter shifts through my ear canals.

-身骑白马-

这世界上最痛苦的感觉，就是看着自己呕心沥血的成就，慢慢地消失人间，化成尘埃。

第七十二章：丑角的狗屎运

Yeah. Back after a long wait. According to logical time line, there should be an update about the class trip. But lets skip that, I destroyed my hand phone and camera thanks to the trip and a very good friend. (Au Yong. Fuck you.) This adds up to a total lost of 1100 bucks. So, Im'ma skip the Pangkor trip.

If that's the case. I might as well share a homo experience. A motivation camp was held at Yak Chee. Ya know? The famous school in Puchong? The one that's a hundred times more fabulous than Han Ming? You should get a concept. The camp was to motivate problem students (Standard 5) who are going to face UPSR next year. So why did I participate? No. My brains have not explode yet. Well I was, fortunately selected to guide the students. (I would prefer to put it as unfortunately) Basically things were simple. You just had to be by their side, teach and motivate them whenever a lesson or program was carried out. The only obstacle was to reach full standard of what the teacher wanted. Damn, seriously, to be good in details, polite (as in, giving a 90 degree bow whenever you meet a teacher, and to sit still and straight silently when you're enjoying meals, and lots of other stuff, in which if you fail to perform all of it, you get a nice scolding, or a kick in the ass.), quick and so on... it was a tough one. The best part came when night fell. We were supposed to finish stuff at Yak Chee, later on to return to our center at OUG to sleep, but our mentor made huge change, we returned to the center for a meeting, and were ordered to have a five minute bath, and then take our luggage and sleeping bags and belongings back to Yak Chee, and have another meeting again. AND NO, WE WEREN'T GOING TO SLEEP AT THE CENTER. By the time things were settled, the clock stroke 2 in the morning. Say hello to exhaustion.

But hey, all those clinging around being tossed up and thrown down, was worth it. We got to know ourselves better, understand our weaknesses and, I've gotten much better after weeks and weeks of emo-ing, at least, not as lonely as before. So yeah. It's alright. But the bad news is. I got another 7 days and 6 nights camp to attend to next week. So that's all for updates, I need to rest. I got one heck of a battle ahead.

Song of the week
Firework - Katy Perry
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

第七十一章：找不到的积极

It's been more or less 3 weeks after PMR, that's almost like a month, I can recall how I imagined life would be before the battle. It was definitely... bright, joy, and... happiness... But what I am doing and feeling now, is completely the opposite, the freedom I have is slacking me, my free time is spent on the internet everyday and almost every second, I still play the piano, it's soothing and relaxing, good thing I still feel the catch when the key is pressed, the nostalgic melody blasting out of that black enormous wooden instrument, but the thing that matters, is the loneliness you get everyday after a piece is practiced. You feel... somehow empty, is it because... I don't have any goals for the moment? Or because, I have too much free time to worry about every little aspect in reality? I fear, that when the red letter day arrives, people around me will be smiling with the achievements they have in hand, when they actually work only that slightly, and I, being depressed over how pathetic I was, working so hard, but getting nothing...

The best part comes when someone approaches you and telling how useless you are indirectly, for an example, my father. I don't blame him for his standards, forgetting to close the tap water, seriously it's my fault, but to struggle through his scoldings with the right expression, is really suffocating. What should I do when I get a telling from you? Smile? Say I'm sorry? Sulk over your anger? Or just keep myself silent? It hurts even more when you didn't do it actually, it was someone else who was guilty, and that person, is the one who is nagging you. I don't tell you about your carelessness sometimes dad, because I know life's hard for you, if I were to confront you, I'd understand how you feel, but for goodness sake, I'm the one who didn't close the tap, but so do you at times. How can I reach up to your standards? I tried. But probably, I'll just keep moving on, without a destination.

I try to find myself a destination,but end up getting lost again and again, time after time. It's always the same no matter what is concerned, studies, family, attitude, and even at times, love (Come to think of it, I seldom talk about it.). I feel so pathetic at times, I hypnotize myself everyday, but it's true, when it invades, then it invades, you can't escape, I keep reminding myself, I am not a flirt, I should never flirt, I've been doing this for years, but I've some to realize, that that isn't the case, I found my true self to be one. Therefore I choose to keep quiet, I press myself, but pathetically, I check your profile everyday, view your blog as frequent as I could, in the end, I end up looking like a stalker, I try to resist, but I fail once gain. In so many of these cases, it's not that I don't want to, I have a desire, I have a map, I have my plans, but as I said, I lack a destination. And now it even pressures me as another big battle is coming up, I've got loads of camps to go, they all require positivity, I'll fail big time if I don't try to change, but what can I possibly do, when bad thoughts just plague in my mind?

Damn, Why am I so pathetic?

Song Of the Week
Split - Suneohair

ありふれている
Arifurete iru
気持ちなんでさ
kimochi nante sa
何も言わずにいっそ
Nani mo iwazu ni isso
消えてしまえば楽になれるのに
Kieteshimaeba raku ni nareru no ni
見つめ合ってた
Mitsume atteta
君の瞳に
kimi no hitomi ni
映る自分が揺れてる
Utsuru jibun ga yurete
とぼけた様に口を開けたまま
Toboketayou ni kuchi wo aketa mama
それぞれの道を行く
Sorezore no michi wo yuku
その分かれ道
sono wakaremichi
もう二度と逢う事の無い
Mou nidoto au koto no nai
出会いは悲しすぎる
deai wa kanashisugiru
足りない気持ちを持ち寄って
Tarinai kimochi wo mochiyotte
温めた先から冷えていって
Atatameta saki kara hieteitte
そんなはずないって信じてる
"Sonna hazunai" tte shinjiteru
一体いつまで同じ言葉を
Ittai itsumade onaji kotoba wo
抱え込んでんだ　抱え込んでんだ
Kakaekondenda Kakaekondenda
見つめ続ける
Mitsume tsudzukeru
君の瞳に
kimi no hitomi ni
映る景色が変わった
Utsuru keshiki ga kawatta
僕の知らない新しいひかり
Boku no shiranai atarashii hikari
それぞれに道を行く
Sorezore no michi wo yuku
今、分かれ道
Ima wakaremichi
もう二度と振り返らない
Mou nidoto furikaeranai
気持ちが走り過ぎる
kimochi ga hashirisugiru
消えそうな夜に抱き合って
Kiesouna yoru ni nakiatte
冷えきった体で連れたって
Hiekitta karada de motsuretatte
何か足りないって感じてる
"Nani ka tarinai" tte kanjiteru
一体いつから嘘もため息も
Ittai itsu kara uso no tameiki wo
抱え込んでんだ　支えきれない程
Kakaekondenda Sasaekirenai koto
足りない気持ちを持ち寄って
Tarinai kimochi wo mochiyotte
温めた先から冷えていって
Atatameta saki kara hieteitte
こんなはずないって信じてる
"Konna hazunai" tte shinjiteru
一体いつまで同じ言葉を
Ittai itsumade onaji kotoba wo
抱え込んでんだ　抱え込んでんだ
Kakaekondenda Kakaekondenda

(Translated)

If only things could get easier if
All those common feelings would
Fade to nothing all the more by saying nothing

The me reflected in your eyes
When we gaze at each other is shaking
With his mouth wide open like he's playing dumb

I'll take every path
That crossroad
When you'll never see them again
Meeting someone is too sad

Exchanging insufficient feelings
Growing cold after having warmed up
I believe that that can't be how it is
Just how long will I take upon myself
The same words? The same words?

The landscape reflected in your eyes,
Which continue to gaze at it, have changed
There's a new light that I don't know

I'll take the paths respectively
Now, a crossroad
Without ever turning back again
My feelings run too far

Even if we make love on a night that's about to fade
And get tangled up with our completely cold bodies
I feel that something's not enough
For just how long have I taken upon myself
Lies and sighs, so many that I can't support them?

Exchanging insufficient feelings
Growing cold after having warmed up
I believe that that can't be how it is
Just how long will I take upon myself
The same words? The same words?

第七十一章：探望

Yeah, Obviously from my title, you'd know I visited someone. Not just me, me and the gang. Went to Darrelle's place, and it was "kinda" fun? I doubt. The best part was the food, because, there was pizza!! The horrible, rather more horrified part was the Movie: The Orphan. Fuck, I wonder what Americans think about everyday. I mean, why and how these directors think of such stories? Why even think about it? It's amazing how you can squeeze in so many stuff in to a movie, Sex, Horror, Homicide, Blood, Revenge. Eww... Sorry, a big apology I present to all fans out there, I go for movies like Grown-Ups :)

The photos were uploaded at facebook. Gawd bless our creative comments :D

I didn't go to school today, Why should I send myself to the gates of boredom? At least I have my rubix, piano, guitar at home :) And Yes, last but not least, the Internet :D Wanted to go out for lunch. But the look of the whether was such a fuck face, so fucking grey and dark, wind was blowing. Obviously it was about to pee from the sky :) (Shit, I'm addicted to using emotional icons.) So I cooked lunch. No choice, Instant noodles and sausages, After I finished cooking my meal, FUCK!!!! The whether went bright again. What a Jackass.

Really boring these days, I have nothing to do other than practicing piano, playing rubix, and surfing the net. That's it, Life after PMR = Lifeless. I'M GETTING MYSELF A BUKU RUJUKAN EKONOMI ASAS. ROAR!!!!

Song Of the Week
伴 - 黄小琥
作词:姚若龙 作曲:于晓光、李伟菘

如果 命运可以订做
如果 有另一次选择
我想我 还是会 把手让你紧握
快乐地陪你去坎坷

就算 你有天变落魄
就算 你老得不能动
我想我 还是会 挽着你看日落
你的心疼在泪光中

嘴巴上 彼此嫌麻烦
眼神中 关怀那么满
没说爱 却早已认定一辈子的伴
在人前 从来不浪漫
在心中 却总为对方打算
最懂的人最暖的伴

就算 我以后变罗嗦
就算 我老了有病痛
我想你 还是会 照顾我到最后
隐藏脆弱不眠不休

没有辛酸 没有遗憾
什么是陪伴 什么是心安
你是答案

PS: 不必上线，每一词每一句都很到味:D
- 身骑白马-

第七十章：让我一次过爆炸

No. Once again let me inform that YU HAN'S BLOG ISN'T DEAD. The reason it wasn't updated right after PMR was because my internet couldn't connect properly. Now the damn connection is refreshed, everything is serviced. Somehow I know it's kinda late to say this, but still allow me to carry out the ceremony.

GOOD BYE Penilaian Menengah Rendah

MARILAH KITA BAKAR BUKU SEMUA!!!!

Point No.1 has been pointed out, now let me continue on. LIFE AFTER PMR IS... amusing. Last Friday was crazy. Shi Ken destroyed to pieces of glass by giving a hard kick to that mini adidas ball that Jer Shyan brought. After school, we planned originally to have a feast at Domino's, but the afternoon session students dominated the shop. With force, we had to go to the Ipoh chicken rice shop. The feast had two occasions. One, as a nice farewell to our classmate, Qian Ying who will be transferring. I hear that it's kinda like home-schooling. Is that true? I doubt. The second purpose was to celebrate 3A4's last day together in class. (You see, our dumbass school authorities wouldn't open the class doors for us, we'll have to linger around the school. So sad...

Story number two. My worst Saturday ever.(Yesterday.) The gang planned to play football. I wanted to go. Mom did not know how to go. The solution was to fetch me to school and wait for my dear friend to come and fetch me. So I waited. I waited for quite a long time. Finally I thought that they were pulling my legs. Due to my impatience of waiting. I decided to explore the area myself. I took a 10 minutes walk to the bus stop, below the EPF building. I waited for 30 minutes. Fuck, not one bus that passed by was heading to Mid Valley, my plan was to find out which particular bus would be heading towards the Puchong bus station. (Around my house.) Again, I didn't want waste time, I took another long walk to the Taman Jaya LRT station, bought a ticket to KL central, I wanted to try my luck there because I know that there is a particular bus there. When I arrived. I looked and asked for information. I was told to wait in front of the KL monorail station. I ran there, fearing that the bus might have already left. Finally, hope came, I caught a glimpse of that bus. Rapid KL U60. Hopping on, I was ready to pay the bus driver his salary. But instead, he drove off, it was too late for me to pay. "Never mind I'll pay when he arrives the next station. Now here's the condition. The next stop was Pasar Seni. The back part of the bus was the only place where seats were situated. The middle part was empty, designed specially for the crippled. I stood at the front part. A few footsteps away from the driver seat. He drove so fast that I had to grab on to support, leaving me no time at all to pay. When we arrived Pasar Seni. Great, I could finally pay. I was "this" close to saying, "Minta maaf bang, tadi tak sempat nak bayarlah bang." He impolitely forced me, "Turun dik, kalau tak mau bayar turun." I bared with him, "Minta maaflah bang, tadi betul-betul tak sempat, sebab saya takut nanti jatuh ma..." "You mau bayar, you tunggu." Waited. "Sorry bang, takde duit kecil, duit besar boleh." (Take note, he had small notes in his hand where he could actually give me the change.)
"Apa la ni, saya tak peduli you pergi luar tukar." Now after thrice times of tolerance was made, I really could not hold myself anymore, but I only wanted to go home that moment, I got off the bus, looking for stalls nearby, I found one, and requested for exchange, the fucking hawker forced me to buy her stuff, I said NO, you give me the exchange, why should I buy your stuff? She said fine, no exchange, frustrated, I picked up a a packet of sliced fruit and asked the priced, I bought it, But I did not eat it, instead, I threw the packet at her face and said, "Next time I visit your stall, Im'ma kick throw some durians at you." (Hey lady, in case of you seeing this, you must be a uneducated low class jack ass MALAY.) Now comes the climax. I went back, the bus was gone. Let me skip through how I got back home. Allow me to share what my mother said.

"This is the society, you cannot be angry at them, you must bare with them, or else you'll only suffer when you come out and work in the society." Here's how I replied her. "MOM, WHEN THE SOCIETY GETS SICK, WHEN WRONG BECOMES RIGHT, YOU DON'T FOLLOW THE FLOW JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET AWAY FROM TROUBLE, INSTEAD YOU FIGHT IT, YOU FIGHT FOR JUSTICE AND DO WHAT IS RIGHT. SO WHAT IF I FIND MYSELF IN TROUBLE IN THE FUTURES SO WHAT? AT LEAST IN THE END, I DID THE RIGHT THING PRINCIPALLY AND THEY DID THE WRONG THING, WHAT I HAVE TO REGRET, IT'S ALWAYS WORTH IT TO GO THROUGH SOME TROUBLE, BEAT THAT MOM." "Fine, go ahead with your principles." She ended up speechless, speechless for me being stubborn or being determined. I have no interest in knowing.

PS: Rapid KL, the next time you look for a bus driver, please educate them, they all look like dogs, no they look like wild boars, THEY HAVE NO MANNERS.

Song of the week
天天 - 陶喆

太阳天或下雨天
人挤人的咖啡店
找一个能想你舒服的角落
看着情人肩靠肩
慢慢转开我视线
有个女孩让我好想念
我的心已经飞到这个城市的另一边
想看着你 爱上的脸
把心里的感情都对你说
那马路上天天都在塞
而每个人天天在忍耐
没有你日子很黑白
原来这样就是恋爱
我想要你在我身边
分享生命中的一切
我想要天天说 天天说
天天对你说我有多爱你
天天说 I Love You.

第六十九章：看不到的天空

最近都很少上来这儿写一写心情，不是不要写，只是上到来，整个人就变得空白，完全摸不着自己该用什么题材，想聊一聊假期，但除了和朋友参观书展之外，就没有什么值得提起的，想说说自己在假期里温习了什么，却完全提不起劲，今天，终于让我找到了一个灵感，但是感觉上，这灵感，很狭窄…

这几天，上网的时候，都在看一写新闻，政治，或是种族主义的课题，印象最深刻，肯定会使那大家都在关注的“回中国” 论理的新闻，而很容易预测的，黄明知自己也做了回应，我突然间问了自己：“马来西亚是不是我的家？在任何一个媒体上，常常都会听到，马来西亚，我的国家…什么的…但是，为什么还是会有许多华人，抢着为孩子申请新加坡的奖学金，好让他们能到那边发展，可以的话，还要到那里，申请做个永久性居民（PR），我就是其中之一（虽然深知自己有心而力不足）。如果，这是我的家，为什么我要离开？这个问题，我整整思考了三天，终于找到一个贴切的答案，这个答案，不只我说过，就连东姑阿都拉曼的孙子，自己也在一篇文章中发表了出来 : “Because I am not made to feel like this is my home.”

这看似有道理，却带着一点遗憾和悲伤的答案，是一个残酷的事实，不知道究竟是政府在逃避这事实，还是他们已经被蒙蔽了双眼。一次又一次的状况，让我觉得，这真的是一个回答得很贴切的答案。988电台在早前，有三位电台广播员，小马，秋月，和迦马，怀疑因为在节目上“早点说马”，讨论了一些比较敏感的政治课题，而被下令休假。抹杀自由言论的权利，抹杀人民可以更加了解国家课题的权利，抹杀每一个华人心目中的尊严，这就是状况（一）。连续发生了两次的问题，无知的校长，在周会上，对着学校里的华人子弟，叫我们会到中国去，政府却采取了什么行动？吊校换职，这是他们最理智的处罚？这是状况（二）。黄明志，因为粗俗的回应，搞得惊天动地，对付一个怀恨在心的校长，却低调办事，这是状况（三）。一个又一个的言论谋杀，这还是我的家吗？

这一些事情，我跟妈妈都发表了各自意见。她说她很担心，她说我只看一些极端的新闻，她深怕我会因为这样而歧视马来同胞，还说这样做只会害了我自己。她告诉我：“这些媒体的报道，其实只报上了一些极端的事实。很多时候，人民不知道政府其实在背后努力策划一些什么，资助一些什么人，因为媒体注重自己赚回多少钱，所以只卖一些让人看了很”堵懒”的新闻，无形中煽动了种族之间的情绪，这也是为什么，一个马来西亚，永远会成为人民眼中的笑话。尝试从一个理智政治家的角度看待这些国家大事，有时候，人民认为很简单就可以办到的事情，其实很困难，等有一天，你如果真的上了这个位子，你会发现，会有很多可恶的人，阻碍你去改变，你如果坚持想改变，你只会像阿都拉一样，自动下台。儿子，给政府多一点时间，给好的政治家和领导人多一些时间，给改革多一些时间，因为改变，绝对不是一朝一夕的，学习如何去看视整片天空。”

顾名思义，去看整片天空，那正是我看不到的天空。。。

Song of the week

Shadow of the day - Linkin Park

I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
In cards and flowers on your window
Your friends all plead for you to stay
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you

第六十八章：最后一线希望

原来我从未意识到成长。最近申请了新加坡的奖学金，才慢慢发现自己，从过去的高傲，跌入了深谷。

我很享受自己小学的学习生涯。当时拥有的不只是光荣，家庭问题也没那么糟糕。那六年的时间，才叫快乐。回想起来，我从一年级开始发觉自己的潜能，因为一次大胆的尝试，参加了讲故事比赛，谁会想到，自己竟然得上了亚军。后来开始建立起了自信，每一年的比赛，
都开始由我的分，得奖也不例外，很少看到自己败落的一面，所以从未经历过失败的苦。小学一路走到了五年级，被选为校队选手，但因为经验不足，只获得了安慰奖，但自己已是心满意足，因为三位选手里，只有我获奖，然后本质也开始在自己没注意之下，开始有所变化。
我没有变得更谦虚，性格变得更高傲了。六年级的成绩也不赖，成为区域的代表，校内更适应了不少奖状，更被选为模范生的人选，这一年，也让我认识了有一个这样的环境可以念书- 换句话说，这一年是我第一次参加新加坡奖学金的考试。

毕业了以后，爸妈很努力为我报名就读公教中学，他们说，要在新加坡发展，唯一能依靠的本地中学，就是公教。我很天真地以为那是一个很轻易就能达成的目标，我自己清楚知道，要考上新加坡的学校，先要交出一张漂亮的成绩单，但自己却被高傲蒙蔽视线。我采取了第一步行动 – 参加演讲比赛。然后落败了。我参加了辩论，却因为无知和冲动，再加上自己微薄的实力，退出了。学校的考试成绩，一落千丈。他妈的，真得让我遇上了连环打击。随着步伐，我决定投入自己的学业，中二，总算让我遇到了少少的进步，我却蠢得没发现自己已经彻底忽略了课外活动的表现。无奈的过了两个月的年终假期，开学了，中三了，从经验吸取教训，虽然说没有做得很好，但自己的却尝试了低调办事，直到我再次报名新加坡奖学金的考试，我真地从七十二楼的光辉，跌入了十八层地狱。我只能用堕落感看着那一份表格上写着的字眼：”Outstanding achievements”, “Awards”. 我心想 “What the fuck do I have? 3 years of secondary school and I don’t have a fuckin certificate or achievement.” 

马虎的脚上了表格，鱼贯地走着，我从拥有一切，化为一无所有，亲情破灭，成绩衰落，此时此刻，我感觉自己输掉了全世界，什么都没有。但是有何奈？望着两手空空的掌心，我只能带着勉强的笑容，迈向明天，我真的办得到吗？不要告诉我相信自己就可以了，因为那不实际，因为鼓励只是一种假象。我还有第二个机会吗？不要告诉我机会永远存在，因为期望越高，你只会更加失望。拖着影子，我不能再质疑了，我只剩下一个月，那是我最后一线希望。