Life.Disassembled

第七十八章：灭亡

2011-06-10T01:58:00.000-07:00

"If we continue to stay in this house, I won't be happy, you won't be happy, your dad won't be happy." I was stunted by the words, an assault of terrifying fears hunted my soul, I gave no reaction, trying to be calm, struggling against my inner demons, I swallowed up these ghouls of destruction, and paid attention to what mom wanted to continue with. "So I've decided, maybe with my current ability, we could move out into a not-too-low classed flat and stay with your aunt together, who knows if your cousin at Melaka might come and join the hood as well, but if that happens, surely something drastic will burst out from your dad, so what do you think?"

I kept quiet, giving no reply at all. My heart was devastated, it felt like falling into a deep endless large black hole. The worst case scenario that I had expected and gave 3 years of mental preparation to face was about to invade my temporary peaceful life, I knew I couldn't give much of an answer, I'm just 16, what the heck can I do? "We'll stay on like this first, I am still 2 years away from graduation, well, roughly, if I make a decision now, I'll mess up the entire process." That was the best reply I could think of, considering the fact of how nervous and scared I was. "Damn.", I thought. "Mom already has all her plans set to go. Any answer that I give would indicate that I'm choosing a side. I don't want things to split up. I'd rather things go on horrible like this than seeing the family I grew up in crush to bits, leaving no sign of evidence that I even grew up properly."

I was silent throughout the whole journey to school. A series of flashback came on to rip my mind, little pieces of evidence that hinted that this home was going down. Before going to Kelantan, a few hours before the flight, I woke up and mom told me, "Your dad doesn't want to fetch us to the airport, we're running out of time, pack now and we'll take a bus to KL Sentral, and then another to LCCT, quick!" I didn't believe it, dad wasn't the kind of person who would sulk and be irrational. Later, I received his call, I secretly answered it, he wanted to know our location, I told him and it was a relief, he wanted to fetch us, he just didn't gave mom a concrete response, so mom freaked out concluding that he was the "bad guy", but I know he wasn't, or else, he wouldn't have called us. Returning to KL, mom also decided to take public transportation to get home, she gave no sign of desperation that she wanted dad to fetch us. I threw away the comfort of relief straight away, it felt like she had lost the desire to hang on to their marriage, it felt like the only reason she kept going on for 3 years was because of me, she didn't want to dissapoint me. Back home, dad showed no mercy as well. Mom took out a wrist band that she bought for dad so that he could use it when he goes for jogs and workouts, until today, he hasn't even looked at the parcel. These little incidents made me feel more firm on the hypothesis, our family is falling.

Wednesday, it was after school where a heavy rain showered the earth. I planned to go home straight by bus, I was soaked all over thanks to the splashing raindrops, mom called and offered to fetch me, seeing that the rain was too heavy for me to handle. I took a bus to the nearest station where she was. I got down and a dramatic incident was laid before my eyes, hardly impossible for anyone to not notice it. In the middle of the road, under the shower, was a lady, seemed like an Indonesian. She was screaming while her cell phone was by her right ear, sending a message to tell someone to get away from her and die. Everyone went on to listen to that conversation, and then a typical Chinese man came out to give her a hand, intending to pull her back to the bus stop and to calm her down, she was in blast mode, and then the final sentence she passed out shocked my ears. "Go back to your father's house, don't ever call me your mom again, I don't want to see you, You're not my son!" She turned off her phone and was about to throw it out on to the road, the man stopped her, she continued to be emotionally unstable, still crying, angry, frustrated, wet, and devastated. I observed and realized that the woman was the man's maid, and the kind man wanted to help her solve her conflicts. The bus they intended to ride arrived, they got on and left.

Her words, actions, behavior paralyzed my mechanical system. I was barely able to move for a sec or two. What horrors would pop out if I ever happened to choose a side. I struggle with my thoughts, trying to deny every possibility created by my fears. If I choose the flat and my mom, dad goes haywire; if chose dad, mom would go haywire and who knows turn out to be that lady. If I leave after graduation and manage my life alone, both of them would go haywire and the war will never end. I gave mom an answer that would drag eveything until I finish SPM, will I encounter form 6? Will I tackle a course in college? Will I receive a scholarship? And if I do, what's next? My desires push me so that I would seek for help, and I fight with it oppositely, who? Who on earth should I tell? My teachers? What can they do rather than advice? My friends? Do I even have a true buddy to count on? My relatives? They have their own families, how much can they do? No one could help me. I slowly realize, this is a battle that I will have to command on my own. I only have 2 years, what the heck will I do?

This blog should be dead by now. No one might see this, but if ever someone sees this, please, no matter how much I annoy you in life, no matter how close you are to me in life, I'm not trying to sulk and boast my problems to the world, this is just a piece of advice, appreciate your family, don't wait till the end comes then only you regret. My case closes here.

The end.

第七十六章：新年气象

2011-01-30T22:40:00.000-08:00

Yeah. Chinese New Year's around the corner. And the most common things we do include: Shopping for snacks, clothes, and food. The younger generations usually go seeking around for the latest trend for their new year attire. Dad will be standing a side looking at his black and shiny coated stuff. It's always the same old thing. Wallets, leather shoes, a classed looking belt, or a simple coat it seems. As for the mom, she would most probably be in two sections, either the food section, or the luxurious shops with her favorite handbags, and those crazy and awful looking heels. Gosh, sometimes I just don't get why would someone buy a high heeled shoe with a fucking lots of strips attached here and there. What's more important is the price that is skyrocket-ed. I could eat 3 meals for 5 days with that amount of money. And it's worse when you get to know that the "recipe" of such a shoe is actually made out of plastic instead of leather. "Why the fuck that expensive?" "Oh, don't you think that the design is brilliant." Fuck you bitch. That money you just burnt could have helped the poor.

Mom pulls me back and slaps me, "One more word I hear from you and that's it." Yes, we were shopping for clothes in a complex. Somehow, I don't really care about what I wear. Every time mom hands out a clothing, I look at it and say "Yeah." And then, everything is settled. So it only takes half an hour to finish the shopping. What's more, we don't buy much. Usually the time wasted is when mom starts her own shopping. She doesn't buy much as well. Because her new clothes need to fulfill the following requirements:
- Cheap (As in really cheap, 30 bucks and above for her is too much :[ )
- Comfortable (As in 100% cotton.)
- Nice (As in a real good looking design.)
It's the same requirement that everyone craves for, but she takes them to a higher level. And so at that time around, I'd stray around and observe the funny moments when other families buy their shirts XD.

Case no.1 The dad stays outside of the shop while the mom looks for some nice T's that would match her son perfectly. The son looks at another sections. "Boy, how about this one?" "No, the design is too simple." Me, "What the hell, with the paint splatters and colorful symbols all over the shirt he calls that simple, and it's collared too!" I stand on another side pretending to look for something as well. But I continue to observe. "Mom, what do you think about this one?" "No way I'm buying you that, you're buying for the shirt, not the printing." The son shows an unwilling and frustrated expression, without hesitation he pops out a couple of words at this mother disrespectfully, "Fine, I'm out of here, nothing suits me here, everything looks so cheap, we'll go somewhere else." He walked out as if he was throwing a tantrum. The mother said nothing and went out as well. After they got out, I got to see their dressings clearer. No doubt, they were rich retards. I randomly picked out a price tag from the series of T's hanging in front of me. Wow. 80 or 70 bucks and above AND THAT IDIOT NAMED IT AS CHEAP. Something wrong with their minds.

Adios to that shop. Went back to Jusco. Where mom would definitely be. When I got there, her hands were still empty, I went to other sections, hoping to seek for another interesting situation. But all I got to see is a completely different situation.

Case No.2 This family was much more interesting. The whole family was choosing shirts for each other. Even the little sister. And they weren't looking for stuff that had hangers on. Instead, they looked for the stuff in "tongs". That's what my mom calls them. I'm sure you've seen those unfolded shirts that they put in one place and then they have a "Flat price 15 bucks" sign attached to the containers. How it looks like isn't important. The main concept is that the shirts in it are usually designs that have not been sold out during the past few years or shirts that have been rejected due to poor quality or other reasons. Kinda like the "reject shop" and it's the kind of section where people seldom "touch". Mom would take me there once or twice because there will still be some great stuff. Like gold among the trash. So the father, simply took something out, and the 14 year old gave a smile. Yes, he wanted it. There wasn't any sign of body language that revealed he wasn't satisfied with his father's selection. And it didn't even take them 20 minutes, they were already paying at the counter. Yes, it reminded me of how family warmth was supposed to be.

Get the difference between the two situations? Happiness can be very simple. Sometimes I prefer to be poor because you get happiness easily through tiny little stuff. But for the rich, they never get satisfied. They want more and more, the desire becomes so strong that they want everything. But the fact that no matter how much money they burn, they can never reach their destinations :)

Song of the week

Happiness - Hanjin feat. MC Jin

Happiness is free
everyone want it to be
For you and me
If you want it to be

咁难得我哋而家咁鬼人齐
我哋应该即刻放低所有问题
一齐轻松倾通宵计
唔开心0既事由得渠沉落海底
当从新开始过明天会更好喎
呢个思想真系一流松吓膊头郁埋个头拍吓对手
快乐根本冇定义我好有诚意我好想要大家开心d
真正快乐系由边度嚟自
如果你知唔该你比个地址
我本来都唔开心
听完呢首歌好似比支开心针拮亲
就算我成身得番一蚊我都要HAPPY开心

Happiness is free
everyone want it to be
For you and me
If you want it to be

快乐只不过是一种概念
摸不到放在心里看不见
让他在我们笑容里出现
多美妙的概念
双脚离地双手朝天
这首歌就是快乐的宣言
我要让全世界都听见

开心心跳不停理由不清形式不定
开心不须肯定任何反应都是成立的
小时侯, 什么都不理
什么都不必理不必睬不必处理
快乐是一个无价的物体
钱买不到让我送给你

Happiness is free
everyone want it to be
For you and me
If you want it to be

I'm so happy

第七十五章：东西各方的教育

2011-01-17T23:32:00.000-08:00

今天，功课少，再加上前几天一直很努力温习功课，所以今天挤了些时间出来，来写下我的灵感，并和大家分享:D

最近，华文老师一直在苦口婆心，鼓励又忠劝我们多看多读报章后面的言路，吸取多一些知识和看法，方便塞进作文里，为文章添加多一些色彩。看报纸，其实是本尊最讨厌做的事情，因为报纸上所印刷出来的文字，字体极小，要睁大灵窗，一个一个字去看清楚，才能了解内容。不好意思，太麻烦了，吃掉的时间太多，与其我花一个小时把所有的报道，从头条到活力副刊看完，不如我去温习功课？不过现在啊，我已有所改观。事实上，沿路给我的感觉就像是一份报纸的概述，因为里头的每一篇文章的题材，其实都是一些新闻时事，你读了，不但让你知道：“噢，原来事情的来龙去脉正是如此。。。“，你还获得一些更有趣的东西。因为那些笔者，总是爱把该时事描述完毕了以后，在结尾，多加一画，并很幽默地讽刺事情里的主角，或表达自己的感触。我阅读言路的习惯开始了三个星期以后，我越来越爱看报纸了:) 不过今天要分享的，和我的嗜好无关，而是关于我昨天读到的一篇报道。

报道描述的是蔡美兒（Amy L. Chua，1962年－）耶魯大學法學院的小約翰·M·達夫（John M. Duff Jr.）法學教授。她出生在美國伊利諾伊州尚佩恩，父親是菲律賓華人蔡少棠。在杜克大學法學院任教後，她加入成為耶魯大學的教授之一。在開始她的教學生涯中之前，她是佳利·戈特利布·斯蒂恩和漢密爾頓公司的法律助理，專長是國際商業交易、法律、發展、民族衝突研究、全球化和法律。她的新作《虎妈妈的战歌》（Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother）引发了中美两国媒体对子女教育问题的热烈讨论。美国知名报章《华尔街日报》刊载了蔡美儿教授的《虎妈妈的战歌》的节选文章。文章一开头便罗列出蔡教授对女儿们的基本要求：除了体育和戏剧课，所有的课程必须得第一名；不能碰钢琴和小提琴之外的乐器；不能玩电脑游戏；不能自己选择课外活动，等等。此外，她还规定孩子们必须在家里说中文，必须按时上中文课，必须常规学习钢琴和小提琴。蔡美儿的这篇文章目前已被数十家美国媒体转载，关于如何教育孩子的问题已经在各大中美网站掀起了热议。美国知名时事评论博客网站《赫芬顿邮报》（The Huffington Post）评论说，中国父母总是相信他们知道“什么对孩子是最好的”，他们会用自己的决定盖过孩子自身的需求和想法。这也是一种“爱的表现形式”。

我们不谈论蔡美兒，她如何严苛地训练自己的孩子。在这里我想强调的，是蔡美兒的教育观察。她发表了东方教育模式和西方教育模式的不同点，而他的言论，更证明了为什么华裔母亲总是比较优越。
（一）西方社会的父母更加关注孩子的自尊心，往往用非常含蓄的方式来批评孩子，而大多数时候则是给予孩子正面的鼓励。而中国的父母则默认孩子拥有强大的内心，因而倾向于给孩子更多压力和指责。 “中国的父母可以跟孩子说，‘嗨，胖妞，快点减肥吧。’”蔡美儿说，“而相对而言，西方父母则会旁敲侧击地谈这个问题，压根不会使用‘肥胖’这个词，他们会以健康的名义来劝说孩子减肥。而结果孩子们往往照样乱吃东西，最后因为肥胖而产生自卑情绪。”

（二）西方社会的父母会尊重孩子的自主权，孩子想要什么，父母就给什么，因为他们觉得，还自由权利为自己作出选择，身为父母的，就是要造着孩子的意愿去做，在背后尽量支持他，给于今身上的鼓励，说得更好听，就是在孩子做出了抉择以后，再引导他走向他自己选择的光明大道。中国的父母则不会这样做。他们坚信，不管孩子喜不喜欢，只要他们认为是对孩子有益处的，他们就应该去执行，因为他们认为只有他们自己知道孩子的潜能在何处，而那一个潜能，要怎么样才可以把它给逼出来。

（三）中国的父母永远都在抱着：“孩子是前我的，我把他养那么大，他就应该出人头地，好好报答我。”的心态教育孩子。西方社会的父母则认为，孩子并没有选择要在这一个家出生，所以我应该把她照顾好，维护好，保护好。”而往往，西方的孩子也因为受于国大的宠爱，而最终演变成现今社会的“草莓族”

东方教育模式，胜过西方教育模式这已不是什么新鲜大事，根据数据调查的现实，基本上美国国内主要的大学里的资优生，有8成是犹太人，或是华人，他们总是那一群愿意加快脚步，和别人赛跑的积极族群。这时，问题就来了。既然，东方教育模式是如此的成功。那么为什么？从80年代到去年的2010年为止，平均每年有份获得诺贝儿奖的华人，就只有区区那8个人？东方教育模式，缺少的是什么？我们回顾中国的历史与美国的历史来看看。中国经历了抗日大战，共产党的政治振压，以及许多千千万万，我们这一代永远无法感受到的痛苦惨剧。美国有吗？美国是一个多么资源庞大的国家啊！他们可以有那么多伟大的人物来称霸里世界历史事务的五成，原因是什么？因为他们有足够的资源，时间，和知识去进行研究，并儿一次又一次的发表自己的科学理论。中国在忙着干什么呢？打仗！逃难到世界各地的每一个角落苦干赚钱！然后再把钱寄回自己的家乡！我们的祖先，也就是今天所谓的华侨，是吃木薯养活自己的！甚至吃米，也是参石灰粉来避免米粒烂掉的！试问在那样的情况下，我们还有心情去做研究吗？我们连念头都来不及培养！怎么会谈到研究呢？因为诺贝尔奖，就是要你有耐心的去进行几十年的研究并做出结论以后，才能得回的。

中国人，刻苦耐劳，从以前到现在，我们流了多少个时代的汗水，才换回今天的成功？最终，我们的教育模式，错了？还是对了？朋友，不要埋怨父母对你的苛求，今天让你我看看中国，究竟是落后的思想而失败，还是因为落后而成功:D

看来，我也要开始改观了。

第七十四章：质疑

2011-01-15T22:57:00.000-08:00

近来的生活如何？这已经是我答到快要腻的问题了。跟同学比较起来，初中评估获取7科"甲"的表现，算是耻辱的一种了，不过因为自己选择了文科系的大道，不管是身边的家人，亲戚，或朋友，不少都有些惊讶，也因此常常把眼睛瞪大问我:"适应得来吗？文科系好玩吗" 懂得提问这一个问题的朋友，我把它们列为 "真心关心" 的一族。至于那些整天问我: "哎呀，你怎么会选择文科系呢？我告诉你，文科系没有前途的!" 这一种人我称为 "白痴"，别让我有成功的一天，我会让这些没有主见的废物好看。适应得来吗？这是妈妈在上课第一天问我的问题，但后来他又自己回答:"算了，问了等于没有问，你的适应能力那么强，而且一直以来都在一枝独秀，应该没问题的，儿子啊，有时不知道该为你这点感到开心或操心。" 其实，刚看到自己在4P2的时候，难免有些无奈，因为名单上都是自己不熟悉的名字，但随着时间冲淡，自己也觉得没什么大不了，就当作是认识新朋友吧! 凭良心说话，我没有后悔自己的选择，在学习与经济有关的过程当中，我发现经济比科学更有趣，最好玩的是，我能比较了解报章上一切与经济有关的政治报道了，何乐而不为？:)在学校，我不断尝试着改变自己，对于我立下的那一个目标，我还是尽力在付出，我尝试把身段方低，适合的时候，才发言。我不敢说自己做得很好，但某个程度上，我还是觉得，我办到了:D　但是始终，改变自己，不是我人生的一套，我时不时提醒自己，做回自己最好，但为了面子，我还是会硬着头皮去做。

尽管人说:"新的一年，新的希望。" 但我面对的烦恼始终如一，就是那一天比一天更遥远的家庭距离。一家三口，妈妈辛苦，爸爸辛苦，我也辛苦，我们都累了，选择保持沉默，或许是最好的办法。"为什么你不尝试去改变你家的惨剧？" "因为我害怕，我害怕我无法忍受三个月后，可能又会爆发的另一个悲剧，沉默，我选择保持沉默。" 妈妈和爸爸曾经问我:"你是不是有什么不满？有的话就说出来，不要害怕。" 我能吗？对不起，我鼓不起勇气，原谅我的自私，我选择收藏在心里，有什么苦，我自己承担，我不奢求什么改善，就这样的步伐，浩浩荡荡走下去，我就心满意足了。事实上，我看到妈妈举动背后的善意，不知是什么时候开始，他每天都在关心我。我知道的，他想帮我找回心灵上的平衡感。而为了给他一个答案，我就会伪装出一个笑容，给他一个"我现在很快乐"的假象。

At times, this even becomes a habit. I fall for my fake smiles sometimes and tend to think that, hey, I'm so happy. I'm not. I feel like I'm missing something. I need something but I don't know what is it that I need. Everyday when I get back home from school, I stand right in the middle of the living room. Not a single squeak or movement can be detected, but there is a sound in fact. It's the sound of emptiness. Seriously, where am I heading? And why is it that it has to be empty. Look at me right now. It's just me and the computer, dad's out, mom's out, I'm left with my internet and revision. I don't know what I want. I really don't know what I want. If only I knew what I wanted. Then perhaps, I can stop faking smiles.

The empty screams shoot through me again. "Of course, why hadn't I thought about it?"
"I'm lonely..."

最寂寞的时候 - 卢广仲
词:钟成虎卢广仲曲:卢广仲

黄昏后人潮散开躲在人群里发呆
看见你走过来有好多的期待我应该

天空被蓝色晕开我们聊得好灿烂
怀疑美好的现在是否应该有期待我说

这是今天最寂寞的时候
太阳照著你好温柔
所有的希望怎麽被绝望淹没

这是今天最寂寞的时候
看到他牵著你的手
害怕我自己无法忍受
对不起我会离开然后

怎麽还没有走开怎麽在原地徘徊
风光美好的现在为甚麽在等待我说

这是今天最寂寞的时候
太阳照著你好温柔
所有的希望怎麽被绝望淹没

这是今天最寂寞的时候
看到他牵著你的手
害怕我自己无法忍受
对不起我会离开然后

天空被蓝色晕开昨天聊得好灿烂
风光明媚的现在我说

第七十三章: 有了感情的负担

2010-12-10T05:19:00.001-08:00

I hardly touch my blog anymore. Not due to laziness. But due to surprising flow of inspirations that crush my minds. To present them all out at once, is hectic. As a result, the ideas increase until it tops up like a mountain, and I stand on the summit, like an ant not knowing how to take care of it. But there's one thing that has been bothering me and I've just started to notice that it has fallen into a stage where it cannot be saved anymore, I'm talking about mom and her kindergarten, or perhaps you could put in another way, mom's burden of her lifetime.

A few weeks ago, I was in camp. the camp was estimated to last for a month. 2 weeks of class and actual camping activities to do, and another two weeks of free time. In the actual weeks, things rocked. It was hell fun, a few more friends from Johor came and join our big family. We learned to improve our skills in looking after kids and also, to be a little more srtict on our own attitude and daily acts. The learned lots of stuff and made lots of friends as well. After the actual week we took them to KL for a quick tour, I would never forget the silly idea of lingering around the Lau Yat plaza, targeting cellphones. And also how we had fun being vegetarians. Seriously, try going to McDonalds for fries with ketchup and chili sauce while ignoring the temptation Juicy Chicken thigh and beef patties, after you try that, do inform me if you don't feel awkward. Oh, and I also would not forget how we randomly looked at longed for Gundam SD model kits at Berjaya Times Square. Anyway, back to the topic. I had to leave the camp earlier than expected to help mom in the kindergarten, other teachers had their own plans and vacations. So, I obeyed orders.

Unusually, the kindergarten, had no enquiries.

To recall the history, mom established the kindy when I was standard 2. that would be around year 2003 and 2002. Back then it wasn't really packed, I suppose that mom, with hope, was keeping her hands crossed, hoping that the figures would shoot in a year or two. Although there was one year, when things were at the peak and they had a Not-So-Bad achievement, but ever since then, things did not get better, it got harder, tougher, and rougher. While figures were dropping, mom had to consider loads of stuff, the workers income, bills and stuff to pay, but the money flow that came in, became lesser, lesser and lesser. I started to realize that I had an amazing mother, who has carried that burden for over 7 years, imagine, how she'd manage to withstand such pressure, but always keeps her smile wide open to kids, when she has to suffer all that pain. I'm not saying physically but, mentally. And after all that suffocation, she doesn't give up, she always looked for solutions on her own, not even mentioning it to dad. Although the solutions never worked out, I admire her spirit.

And now, she has more problems to cope with, one of her biggest problems, will be to search for a new location for the kindergarten, as the owner of the house will be claiming back that huge comfortable house for sale. She only has three months, she has no new students next year, for now, and she has her purse, filled with miserable small notes, that will only last for a short time. But yet today, I saw how she continued to save keep her teaching and educating passion burning on, although things were about to weigh her down, she smiled at the children and shouted: "Drink your water!" I have to admit, I don't like her kindy, for one reason. I hate kids. But the burden she has carried all these years and refused to let go of, perhaps was the thing that has kept her going on. This burden perhaps, she will be willing to carry for another 10 years. If... if... she had the ability and strength to. Watching the era of Teratak Ilmu starting to shake, I don't have a clue whether it will go on, but there's one thing for sure, the house, is filled with lots of memorable memories, and laughter of children that mom will always remember, even when she tells me that :"Son, I don't want to do this anymore."

I end this post with silence, while my ears perk up as mom's laughter shifts through my ear canals.

-身骑白马-

这世界上最痛苦的感觉，就是看着自己呕心沥血的成就，慢慢地消失人间，化成尘埃。

第七十二章：丑角的狗屎运

2010-11-17T23:07:00.000-08:00

Yeah. Back after a long wait. According to logical time line, there should be an update about the class trip. But lets skip that, I destroyed my hand phone and camera thanks to the trip and a very good friend. (Au Yong. Fuck you.) This adds up to a total lost of 1100 bucks. So, Im'ma skip the Pangkor trip.

If that's the case. I might as well share a homo experience. A motivation camp was held at Yak Chee. Ya know? The famous school in Puchong? The one that's a hundred times more fabulous than Han Ming? You should get a concept. The camp was to motivate problem students (Standard 5) who are going to face UPSR next year. So why did I participate? No. My brains have not explode yet. Well I was, fortunately selected to guide the students. (I would prefer to put it as unfortunately) Basically things were simple. You just had to be by their side, teach and motivate them whenever a lesson or program was carried out. The only obstacle was to reach full standard of what the teacher wanted. Damn, seriously, to be good in details, polite (as in, giving a 90 degree bow whenever you meet a teacher, and to sit still and straight silently when you're enjoying meals, and lots of other stuff, in which if you fail to perform all of it, you get a nice scolding, or a kick in the ass.), quick and so on... it was a tough one. The best part came when night fell. We were supposed to finish stuff at Yak Chee, later on to return to our center at OUG to sleep, but our mentor made huge change, we returned to the center for a meeting, and were ordered to have a five minute bath, and then take our luggage and sleeping bags and belongings back to Yak Chee, and have another meeting again. AND NO, WE WEREN'T GOING TO SLEEP AT THE CENTER. By the time things were settled, the clock stroke 2 in the morning. Say hello to exhaustion.

But hey, all those clinging around being tossed up and thrown down, was worth it. We got to know ourselves better, understand our weaknesses and, I've gotten much better after weeks and weeks of emo-ing, at least, not as lonely as before. So yeah. It's alright. But the bad news is. I got another 7 days and 6 nights camp to attend to next week. So that's all for updates, I need to rest. I got one heck of a battle ahead.

Song of the week
Firework - Katy Perry
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gonna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

第七十一章：找不到的积极

2010-10-29T20:38:00.000-07:00

It's been more or less 3 weeks after PMR, that's almost like a month, I can recall how I imagined life would be before the battle. It was definitely... bright, joy, and... happiness... But what I am doing and feeling now, is completely the opposite, the freedom I have is slacking me, my free time is spent on the internet everyday and almost every second, I still play the piano, it's soothing and relaxing, good thing I still feel the catch when the key is pressed, the nostalgic melody blasting out of that black enormous wooden instrument, but the thing that matters, is the loneliness you get everyday after a piece is practiced. You feel... somehow empty, is it because... I don't have any goals for the moment? Or because, I have too much free time to worry about every little aspect in reality? I fear, that when the red letter day arrives, people around me will be smiling with the achievements they have in hand, when they actually work only that slightly, and I, being depressed over how pathetic I was, working so hard, but getting nothing...

The best part comes when someone approaches you and telling how useless you are indirectly, for an example, my father. I don't blame him for his standards, forgetting to close the tap water, seriously it's my fault, but to struggle through his scoldings with the right expression, is really suffocating. What should I do when I get a telling from you? Smile? Say I'm sorry? Sulk over your anger? Or just keep myself silent? It hurts even more when you didn't do it actually, it was someone else who was guilty, and that person, is the one who is nagging you. I don't tell you about your carelessness sometimes dad, because I know life's hard for you, if I were to confront you, I'd understand how you feel, but for goodness sake, I'm the one who didn't close the tap, but so do you at times. How can I reach up to your standards? I tried. But probably, I'll just keep moving on, without a destination.

I try to find myself a destination,but end up getting lost again and again, time after time. It's always the same no matter what is concerned, studies, family, attitude, and even at times, love (Come to think of it, I seldom talk about it.). I feel so pathetic at times, I hypnotize myself everyday, but it's true, when it invades, then it invades, you can't escape, I keep reminding myself, I am not a flirt, I should never flirt, I've been doing this for years, but I've some to realize, that that isn't the case, I found my true self to be one. Therefore I choose to keep quiet, I press myself, but pathetically, I check your profile everyday, view your blog as frequent as I could, in the end, I end up looking like a stalker, I try to resist, but I fail once gain. In so many of these cases, it's not that I don't want to, I have a desire, I have a map, I have my plans, but as I said, I lack a destination. And now it even pressures me as another big battle is coming up, I've got loads of camps to go, they all require positivity, I'll fail big time if I don't try to change, but what can I possibly do, when bad thoughts just plague in my mind?

Damn, Why am I so pathetic?

Song Of the Week
Split - Suneohair

ありふれている
Arifurete iru
気持ちなんでさ
kimochi nante sa
何も言わずにいっそ
Nani mo iwazu ni isso
消えてしまえば楽になれるのに
Kieteshimaeba raku ni nareru no ni
見つめ合ってた
Mitsume atteta
君の瞳に
kimi no hitomi ni
映る自分が揺れてる
Utsuru jibun ga yurete
とぼけた様に口を開けたまま
Toboketayou ni kuchi wo aketa mama
それぞれの道を行く
Sorezore no michi wo yuku
その分かれ道
sono wakaremichi
もう二度と逢う事の無い
Mou nidoto au koto no nai
出会いは悲しすぎる
deai wa kanashisugiru
足りない気持ちを持ち寄って
Tarinai kimochi wo mochiyotte
温めた先から冷えていって
Atatameta saki kara hieteitte
そんなはずないって信じてる
"Sonna hazunai" tte shinjiteru
一体いつまで同じ言葉を
Ittai itsumade onaji kotoba wo
抱え込んでんだ　抱え込んでんだ
Kakaekondenda Kakaekondenda
見つめ続ける
Mitsume tsudzukeru
君の瞳に
kimi no hitomi ni
映る景色が変わった
Utsuru keshiki ga kawatta
僕の知らない新しいひかり
Boku no shiranai atarashii hikari
それぞれに道を行く
Sorezore no michi wo yuku
今、分かれ道
Ima wakaremichi
もう二度と振り返らない
Mou nidoto furikaeranai
気持ちが走り過ぎる
kimochi ga hashirisugiru
消えそうな夜に抱き合って
Kiesouna yoru ni nakiatte
冷えきった体で連れたって
Hiekitta karada de motsuretatte
何か足りないって感じてる
"Nani ka tarinai" tte kanjiteru
一体いつから嘘もため息も
Ittai itsu kara uso no tameiki wo
抱え込んでんだ　支えきれない程
Kakaekondenda Sasaekirenai koto
足りない気持ちを持ち寄って
Tarinai kimochi wo mochiyotte
温めた先から冷えていって
Atatameta saki kara hieteitte
こんなはずないって信じてる
"Konna hazunai" tte shinjiteru
一体いつまで同じ言葉を
Ittai itsumade onaji kotoba wo
抱え込んでんだ　抱え込んでんだ
Kakaekondenda Kakaekondenda

(Translated)

If only things could get easier if
All those common feelings would
Fade to nothing all the more by saying nothing

The me reflected in your eyes
When we gaze at each other is shaking
With his mouth wide open like he's playing dumb

I'll take every path
That crossroad
When you'll never see them again
Meeting someone is too sad

Exchanging insufficient feelings
Growing cold after having warmed up
I believe that that can't be how it is
Just how long will I take upon myself
The same words? The same words?

The landscape reflected in your eyes,
Which continue to gaze at it, have changed
There's a new light that I don't know

I'll take the paths respectively
Now, a crossroad
Without ever turning back again
My feelings run too far

Even if we make love on a night that's about to fade
And get tangled up with our completely cold bodies
I feel that something's not enough
For just how long have I taken upon myself
Lies and sighs, so many that I can't support them?

Exchanging insufficient feelings
Growing cold after having warmed up
I believe that that can't be how it is
Just how long will I take upon myself
The same words? The same words?

第七十一章：探望

2010-10-25T02:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah, Obviously from my title, you'd know I visited someone. Not just me, me and the gang. Went to Darrelle's place, and it was "kinda" fun? I doubt. The best part was the food, because, there was pizza!! The horrible, rather more horrified part was the Movie: The Orphan. Fuck, I wonder what Americans think about everyday. I mean, why and how these directors think of such stories? Why even think about it? It's amazing how you can squeeze in so many stuff in to a movie, Sex, Horror, Homicide, Blood, Revenge. Eww... Sorry, a big apology I present to all fans out there, I go for movies like Grown-Ups :)

The photos were uploaded at facebook. Gawd bless our creative comments :D

I didn't go to school today, Why should I send myself to the gates of boredom? At least I have my rubix, piano, guitar at home :) And Yes, last but not least, the Internet :D Wanted to go out for lunch. But the look of the whether was such a fuck face, so fucking grey and dark, wind was blowing. Obviously it was about to pee from the sky :) (Shit, I'm addicted to using emotional icons.) So I cooked lunch. No choice, Instant noodles and sausages, After I finished cooking my meal, FUCK!!!! The whether went bright again. What a Jackass.

Really boring these days, I have nothing to do other than practicing piano, playing rubix, and surfing the net. That's it, Life after PMR = Lifeless. I'M GETTING MYSELF A BUKU RUJUKAN EKONOMI ASAS. ROAR!!!!

Song Of the Week
伴 - 黄小琥
作词:姚若龙作曲:于晓光、李伟菘

如果命运可以订做
如果有另一次选择
我想我还是会把手让你紧握
快乐地陪你去坎坷

就算你有天变落魄
就算你老得不能动
我想我还是会挽着你看日落
你的心疼在泪光中

嘴巴上彼此嫌麻烦
眼神中关怀那么满
没说爱却早已认定一辈子的伴
在人前从来不浪漫
在心中却总为对方打算
最懂的人最暖的伴

就算我以后变罗嗦
就算我老了有病痛
我想你还是会照顾我到最后
隐藏脆弱不眠不休

没有辛酸没有遗憾
什么是陪伴什么是心安
你是答案

PS: 不必上线，每一词每一句都很到味:D
- 身骑白马-

第七十章：让我一次过爆炸

2010-10-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

No. Once again let me inform that YU HAN'S BLOG ISN'T DEAD. The reason it wasn't updated right after PMR was because my internet couldn't connect properly. Now the damn connection is refreshed, everything is serviced. Somehow I know it's kinda late to say this, but still allow me to carry out the ceremony.

GOOD BYE Penilaian Menengah Rendah

MARILAH KITA BAKAR BUKU SEMUA!!!!

Point No.1 has been pointed out, now let me continue on. LIFE AFTER PMR IS... amusing. Last Friday was crazy. Shi Ken destroyed to pieces of glass by giving a hard kick to that mini adidas ball that Jer Shyan brought. After school, we planned originally to have a feast at Domino's, but the afternoon session students dominated the shop. With force, we had to go to the Ipoh chicken rice shop. The feast had two occasions. One, as a nice farewell to our classmate, Qian Ying who will be transferring. I hear that it's kinda like home-schooling. Is that true? I doubt. The second purpose was to celebrate 3A4's last day together in class. (You see, our dumbass school authorities wouldn't open the class doors for us, we'll have to linger around the school. So sad...

Story number two. My worst Saturday ever.(Yesterday.) The gang planned to play football. I wanted to go. Mom did not know how to go. The solution was to fetch me to school and wait for my dear friend to come and fetch me. So I waited. I waited for quite a long time. Finally I thought that they were pulling my legs. Due to my impatience of waiting. I decided to explore the area myself. I took a 10 minutes walk to the bus stop, below the EPF building. I waited for 30 minutes. Fuck, not one bus that passed by was heading to Mid Valley, my plan was to find out which particular bus would be heading towards the Puchong bus station. (Around my house.) Again, I didn't want waste time, I took another long walk to the Taman Jaya LRT station, bought a ticket to KL central, I wanted to try my luck there because I know that there is a particular bus there. When I arrived. I looked and asked for information. I was told to wait in front of the KL monorail station. I ran there, fearing that the bus might have already left. Finally, hope came, I caught a glimpse of that bus. Rapid KL U60. Hopping on, I was ready to pay the bus driver his salary. But instead, he drove off, it was too late for me to pay. "Never mind I'll pay when he arrives the next station. Now here's the condition. The next stop was Pasar Seni. The back part of the bus was the only place where seats were situated. The middle part was empty, designed specially for the crippled. I stood at the front part. A few footsteps away from the driver seat. He drove so fast that I had to grab on to support, leaving me no time at all to pay. When we arrived Pasar Seni. Great, I could finally pay. I was "this" close to saying, "Minta maaf bang, tadi tak sempat nak bayarlah bang." He impolitely forced me, "Turun dik, kalau tak mau bayar turun." I bared with him, "Minta maaflah bang, tadi betul-betul tak sempat, sebab saya takut nanti jatuh ma..." "You mau bayar, you tunggu." Waited. "Sorry bang, takde duit kecil, duit besar boleh." (Take note, he had small notes in his hand where he could actually give me the change.)
"Apa la ni, saya tak peduli you pergi luar tukar." Now after thrice times of tolerance was made, I really could not hold myself anymore, but I only wanted to go home that moment, I got off the bus, looking for stalls nearby, I found one, and requested for exchange, the fucking hawker forced me to buy her stuff, I said NO, you give me the exchange, why should I buy your stuff? She said fine, no exchange, frustrated, I picked up a a packet of sliced fruit and asked the priced, I bought it, But I did not eat it, instead, I threw the packet at her face and said, "Next time I visit your stall, Im'ma kick throw some durians at you." (Hey lady, in case of you seeing this, you must be a uneducated low class jack ass MALAY.) Now comes the climax. I went back, the bus was gone. Let me skip through how I got back home. Allow me to share what my mother said.

"This is the society, you cannot be angry at them, you must bare with them, or else you'll only suffer when you come out and work in the society." Here's how I replied her. "MOM, WHEN THE SOCIETY GETS SICK, WHEN WRONG BECOMES RIGHT, YOU DON'T FOLLOW THE FLOW JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET AWAY FROM TROUBLE, INSTEAD YOU FIGHT IT, YOU FIGHT FOR JUSTICE AND DO WHAT IS RIGHT. SO WHAT IF I FIND MYSELF IN TROUBLE IN THE FUTURES SO WHAT? AT LEAST IN THE END, I DID THE RIGHT THING PRINCIPALLY AND THEY DID THE WRONG THING, WHAT I HAVE TO REGRET, IT'S ALWAYS WORTH IT TO GO THROUGH SOME TROUBLE, BEAT THAT MOM." "Fine, go ahead with your principles." She ended up speechless, speechless for me being stubborn or being determined. I have no interest in knowing.

PS: Rapid KL, the next time you look for a bus driver, please educate them, they all look like dogs, no they look like wild boars, THEY HAVE NO MANNERS.

Song of the week
天天 - 陶喆

太阳天或下雨天
人挤人的咖啡店
找一个能想你舒服的角落
看着情人肩靠肩
慢慢转开我视线
有个女孩让我好想念
我的心已经飞到这个城市的另一边
想看着你爱上的脸
把心里的感情都对你说
那马路上天天都在塞
而每个人天天在忍耐
没有你日子很黑白
原来这样就是恋爱
我想要你在我身边
分享生命中的一切
我想要天天说天天说
天天对你说我有多爱你
天天说 I Love You.

第六十九章：看不到的天空

2010-09-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

最近都很少上来这儿写一写心情，不是不要写，只是上到来，整个人就变得空白，完全摸不着自己该用什么题材，想聊一聊假期，但除了和朋友参观书展之外，就没有什么值得提起的，想说说自己在假期里温习了什么，却完全提不起劲，今天，终于让我找到了一个灵感，但是感觉上，这灵感，很狭窄…

这几天，上网的时候，都在看一写新闻，政治，或是种族主义的课题，印象最深刻，肯定会使那大家都在关注的“回中国” 论理的新闻，而很容易预测的，黄明知自己也做了回应，我突然间问了自己：“马来西亚是不是我的家？在任何一个媒体上，常常都会听到，马来西亚，我的国家…什么的…但是，为什么还是会有许多华人，抢着为孩子申请新加坡的奖学金，好让他们能到那边发展，可以的话，还要到那里，申请做个永久性居民（PR），我就是其中之一（虽然深知自己有心而力不足）。如果，这是我的家，为什么我要离开？这个问题，我整整思考了三天，终于找到一个贴切的答案，这个答案，不只我说过，就连东姑阿都拉曼的孙子，自己也在一篇文章中发表了出来 : “Because I am not made to feel like this is my home.”

这看似有道理，却带着一点遗憾和悲伤的答案，是一个残酷的事实，不知道究竟是政府在逃避这事实，还是他们已经被蒙蔽了双眼。一次又一次的状况，让我觉得，这真的是一个回答得很贴切的答案。988电台在早前，有三位电台广播员，小马，秋月，和迦马，怀疑因为在节目上“早点说马”，讨论了一些比较敏感的政治课题，而被下令休假。抹杀自由言论的权利，抹杀人民可以更加了解国家课题的权利，抹杀每一个华人心目中的尊严，这就是状况（一）。连续发生了两次的问题，无知的校长，在周会上，对着学校里的华人子弟，叫我们会到中国去，政府却采取了什么行动？吊校换职，这是他们最理智的处罚？这是状况（二）。黄明志，因为粗俗的回应，搞得惊天动地，对付一个怀恨在心的校长，却低调办事，这是状况（三）。一个又一个的言论谋杀，这还是我的家吗？

这一些事情，我跟妈妈都发表了各自意见。她说她很担心，她说我只看一些极端的新闻，她深怕我会因为这样而歧视马来同胞，还说这样做只会害了我自己。她告诉我：“这些媒体的报道，其实只报上了一些极端的事实。很多时候，人民不知道政府其实在背后努力策划一些什么，资助一些什么人，因为媒体注重自己赚回多少钱，所以只卖一些让人看了很”堵懒”的新闻，无形中煽动了种族之间的情绪，这也是为什么，一个马来西亚，永远会成为人民眼中的笑话。尝试从一个理智政治家的角度看待这些国家大事，有时候，人民认为很简单就可以办到的事情，其实很困难，等有一天，你如果真的上了这个位子，你会发现，会有很多可恶的人，阻碍你去改变，你如果坚持想改变，你只会像阿都拉一样，自动下台。儿子，给政府多一点时间，给好的政治家和领导人多一些时间，给改革多一些时间，因为改变，绝对不是一朝一夕的，学习如何去看视整片天空。”

顾名思义，去看整片天空，那正是我看不到的天空。。。

Song of the week

Shadow of the day - Linkin Park

I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
In cards and flowers on your window
Your friends all plead for you to stay
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you

第六十八章：最后一线希望

2010-08-30T05:38:00.000-07:00

原来我从未意识到成长。最近申请了新加坡的奖学金，才慢慢发现自己，从过去的高傲，跌入了深谷。

我很享受自己小学的学习生涯。当时拥有的不只是光荣，家庭问题也没那么糟糕。那六年的时间，才叫快乐。回想起来，我从一年级开始发觉自己的潜能，因为一次大胆的尝试，参加了讲故事比赛，谁会想到，自己竟然得上了亚军。后来开始建立起了自信，每一年的比赛，
都开始由我的分，得奖也不例外，很少看到自己败落的一面，所以从未经历过失败的苦。小学一路走到了五年级，被选为校队选手，但因为经验不足，只获得了安慰奖，但自己已是心满意足，因为三位选手里，只有我获奖，然后本质也开始在自己没注意之下，开始有所变化。
我没有变得更谦虚，性格变得更高傲了。六年级的成绩也不赖，成为区域的代表，校内更适应了不少奖状，更被选为模范生的人选，这一年，也让我认识了有一个这样的环境可以念书- 换句话说，这一年是我第一次参加新加坡奖学金的考试。

毕业了以后，爸妈很努力为我报名就读公教中学，他们说，要在新加坡发展，唯一能依靠的本地中学，就是公教。我很天真地以为那是一个很轻易就能达成的目标，我自己清楚知道，要考上新加坡的学校，先要交出一张漂亮的成绩单，但自己却被高傲蒙蔽视线。我采取了第一步行动 – 参加演讲比赛。然后落败了。我参加了辩论，却因为无知和冲动，再加上自己微薄的实力，退出了。学校的考试成绩，一落千丈。他妈的，真得让我遇上了连环打击。随着步伐，我决定投入自己的学业，中二，总算让我遇到了少少的进步，我却蠢得没发现自己已经彻底忽略了课外活动的表现。无奈的过了两个月的年终假期，开学了，中三了，从经验吸取教训，虽然说没有做得很好，但自己的却尝试了低调办事，直到我再次报名新加坡奖学金的考试，我真地从七十二楼的光辉，跌入了十八层地狱。我只能用堕落感看着那一份表格上写着的字眼：”Outstanding achievements”, “Awards”. 我心想 “What the fuck do I have? 3 years of secondary school and I don’t have a fuckin certificate or achievement.”

马虎的脚上了表格，鱼贯地走着，我从拥有一切，化为一无所有，亲情破灭，成绩衰落，此时此刻，我感觉自己输掉了全世界，什么都没有。但是有何奈？望着两手空空的掌心，我只能带着勉强的笑容，迈向明天，我真的办得到吗？不要告诉我相信自己就可以了，因为那不实际，因为鼓励只是一种假象。我还有第二个机会吗？不要告诉我机会永远存在，因为期望越高，你只会更加失望。拖着影子，我不能再质疑了，我只剩下一个月，那是我最后一线希望。

第六十七章：人都需要呐喊

2010-08-20T06:03:00.000-07:00

First of all. No, this blog isn't dead. And yes, I've shut myself up for a long time for the TRIALS :D, which is all wasted because the TRIALS fucked me instead of me fucking the TRIALS. Interested in having a peek at my analysis? Here you have it:

BM: FUCKED

BI: TOTALLY FUCKED

BC: SURVIVED

SC: Shit.

MT: Fucked.

KH: Fucked.

SJ: 78. I'm fucking dissapointed.

GE: SURVIVED

I wish I could make a conclusion. But I can't go on. I feel like throwing up cause all I see is 'EPIC FAILURES."

Therefore, instead, I made another conclusion. Which is an inspiration gifted by racial news lately, the TRIALS, and my own thoughts - "WE ALL NEED TO SHOUT"

When the despicable spread propaganda's -"Cina balik cina" during a school assembly, we must start to realize that it has been 53 years of toleration. If this keeps up, the whole nation will take things for granted and 2020 is gonna be nothing but an unrealistic crap. We need to shout, AND DO WHAT'S BEST FOR EVERYONE FOR THE SAKE OF THE PROPAGANDA ( 1 MALAYSIA ). On the screens of transimissions, you bullshit about "Perpaduan." And then on the other side you do something else violating you bullshit, and then get back to square one and bullshit all over again. LOL?

When you start to feel stressed out because of hardcore life. You need to Shout out. Sick of the books? SHOUT. Sick of the notes? Shout. Sick of Sejarah? Shout. Because that's the only way to achieve zen at such periods of intensity.

DOES ANYONE GET WHAT I CRAPPED UP THERE? IF YES, LEAVE A COMMENT. GOOD LUCK DURING THE REAL PMR. TRIALS ARE MAKING ME DEPRESSED FOR THE TIMEBEING. T.T

第六十六章：残局

2010-07-28T00:02:00.000-07:00

My schedules are packed while it is actually a fact that I'm fucking free. Yes, I've done a lot through out the weeks after my second examination. I've cleared many chapters in the sylllabus. I survived my report card nag. I registered for 4 trips after PMR. I've used my free time to think about the society. I've managed to bring my interest in music to a higher stage. I've tried to change my attitude at home by doing more work. I could make the list go on. If I were to stop doing tthe above activity. I'd be fucking free. Of course, my personality never permits me to be lazy. But as a result, I'm getting imbalanced. Or put it in a much simpler way, I'm not satisfied with life.I feel that I could make life a lot more fun. This stage isn't the max. There's more to than repeating the same routine everyday.

1) Clearing chapters and notes everyday. It's done by force. Yep, I force myself everyday just so I could achieve that goal. Of course I want 8a's. There's a price to pay. I have to drink coffee everyday to replenish strength and the energy to do that. Dude, sitting in front of piles of books everyday for more than 7 hours, it's insane. (7 hours = 4 hours in the evening + 3/2hours at night, you can imagine how I manage it everyday because I still have the time to facebook. =D) What can you conclude from that? - 残局 (Because it's tiring)

2) Doing housework and changing attitudes. I'm not complaining. It's my duty in the first place. Mom and Dad's days are numbered (Touchwood La) In exchange mom becomes less tired, dad reduces his sour face and nags. The price I pay is being unhappy BECAUSE THATS JUST NOT ME! Should I be myself or be the person they want me to be? I don't mind doing the work, I mind changing and revoloutioning myself. Well, no choice - 残局.

3) Observing the society. This makes me so imbalanced. I hate to see the facts but I just can't help myself from politics and education issues. If you observe my facebook posts, everything has something to do with Malaysia and how its progressing. Sometimes I just feel like Spraying the word "FUCK OFF" on the merdeka banners they put up in my school corridors. First I started to look into Hak Bumiputeras. Then, they show this amazing topic of abolishing UPSR and PMR. It get's better. Sinchew posts an interesting daily update of how Universities and students are doing in Malaysia. I don't need to elaborate much. Because its a - 残局.

I have no comments about life no more. 残局.

Song Of The Week.

跨乐星光 (2010娱协新人主题曲)

作曲：凌加峻 / 作词：凌加峻、王素怡 / 编曲：饶善强 / 制作：王诗豪
演唱：2010娱协新人25组候选人

我们要清楚知道方向目标只有做好自己最重要
没有尽情奔跑只是时机未到
我不要绕着跑道百般无聊我又不是被囚禁的鸟
用高音符号搭建跨乐世界的桥

银河多闪耀星星都相聚多热闹热情的拥抱新星们报到
星际的怀抱给我们依靠你们的照耀让我们燃烧

让我们一起来玩耍跨乐世界谱出童话
在舞台上遇到的甜酸苦辣我们一起分享
向明天大声唱

让我们一起来玩耍挥霍音乐划出星光
管它无尽宇宙有多浩瀚我们会更闪亮
因为你们是我们的太阳

让我们一起来玩耍在星空下创造那童话
在生活中遇到的甜酸苦辣我们愿意跟你分享

银河多闪耀星星都相聚多热闹热情的拥抱新星们报到
星际的怀抱给我们依靠你们的照耀让我们燃烧

让我们一起来玩耍跨乐世界谱出童话
在舞台上遇到的甜酸苦辣我们一起分享
向明天大声唱

让我们一起来玩耍挥霍音乐划出星光
管它无尽宇宙有多浩瀚我们会更闪亮
因为你们是我们的太阳

就算偶尔困在黑洞里打转我们也不会轻易迷失方向
跟着五线谱就能继续运转音乐呼唤唱出曙光

让我们一起来玩耍跨乐世界谱出童话
在舞台上遇到的甜酸苦辣我们一起分享
向明天大声唱

让我们一起来玩耍跨乐世界创造童话
在舞台上遇到的甜酸苦辣我们一起分享
因为你们是我们的力量

*I will never say never.*

第六十五章：阿忠的布袋大团

2010-07-24T06:54:00.000-07:00

这是一个真人真事，他给我们的教训，正当我们在为生活的不足埋怨连天，原来有一个快乐的人，也会换上忧郁症。我们的不快乐，那他又算是什么? 的确，没有人会有耐心阅读以下的文章，但如果你热爱生命，请用心读下去。

阿忠藝合團

阿忠藝合團團長兼主演-阿忠，本名陳漢忠，64年次，在布袋戲界應算是很年輕，本身既不是布袋戲家族出身，也沒有傲人的學歷，憑著一股對布袋戲的熱愛，小時候愛看戲，十三歲時認識了西螺新興閣掌中劇團鍾任壁先生，十六歲正式拜師成為鍾任壁先生正式關門弟子。阿忠在新興閣習藝長達十年之久，十年來，隨新興閣南征北討，並遠赴東歐等地交流演出，這段期間還經由師父引薦至師兄蔡武雄先生的文興閣劇團見習。因為阿忠一直認為，無法在廟口現場演出連續兩小時表演，根本不算會演布袋戲，在新興閣與文興閣長年累月的訓練之下，在阿忠當兵回來沒多久，經由師長的鼓勵成立了阿忠藝合團。
阿忠藝合團是由阿忠與妻子阿萍兩人共同打拚出的布袋戲新生團體。藝合團的最大特色就是-創造布袋戲的無限可能。

阿忠藝合團寓教娛樂

阿忠藝合團是由阿忠與妻子阿萍兩人共同打拚出的布袋戲新生團體。藝合團的最大特色就是-創造布袋戲的無限可能。
例如：自創的全新劇本（如921大地震的女巫戰地牛，千禧年的千禧蟲來了！）阿忠的布袋戲還會模仿阿吉仔唱歌，有時候也會模仿一下郭富城，甚至還會來一段超級明星臉，乍看之下，有人認為阿忠好像在搞噱頭，但是那是旁人淺浮的看法，阿忠有他自己一套的做戲概論，簡單一句：觀眾在哪裡？爾後阿忠做了一項空前的創舉，那就是把布袋戲表演帶到時下年輕人最流行的聚集場地-PUB。從暖場成為主秀，到電視主流媒體的注意，爾後受本土綜藝天王吳宗憲先生的邀約至台視綜藝旗艦節目演出，立刻引起友台的注意，最後阿忠在衛視中文台開闢了一個自己的節目-阿忠布袋戲，雖然內容以搞笑、時事為主，這或許也是推廣布袋戲的一個方法。理由只有一個，阿忠從小愛看布袋戲，後來跑去學演戲，現在要更認真的來做戲
自阿忠藝合團組團以來，短短幾年，演出、教學千餘場，更在2000年獲美國西來寺邀請赴美演出，於第一場演出受到洛杉磯數十個單位邀約演出，足跡遍及台灣同鄉會、美國學校、亞太博物館、華人賣場、好萊塢派對、聖地牙哥、教會，最難得的是洛杉磯市政府還特別頒發一張傑出獎章，還有美西北區台灣同鄉會頒給的傑出藝人獎牌。在台灣，阿忠每個禮拜一都與師兄鍾任霖至台北少年觀護所教導學生習藝。對於公益活動，渣翁藝合團也是不餘遺力，最近還受台灣人權協會聘請指導大專志工青年遠赴泰北將台灣文化布袋戲的歡樂帶給當地難民，由於次活動意義深遠，人權協會將在七月再度聘請阿忠藝合團繼續擔任指導第二屆的大專志工再度遠渡重洋，做國際社會文化服務活動。
論起阿忠的掌藝及口白，資深文化記者-紀慧玲小姐曾報導過，像阿忠這個年紀確有如此功夫的人，全台灣不出三十個；口白很有南部金光戲的氣口。阿忠的演出除了傳統的硬底子與金光戲的聲光效果，更加上生活化的劇情與幽默對白，深深打動觀眾的心。雖然阿忠的聽力因為學布袋戲而受損，成為殘障人士（已有殘障手冊）但他為布袋戲付出的心卻將永遠不損。阿忠依然經常告訴自己，「慢慢努力，努力就對了。」

PUB布袋戲

作自己的戲
也許是注定，小時候的阿忠就是追著布袋戲台跑的孩子，他說：「永遠記得第一次看到布袋戲的感覺，那時候整個人是怔住的，被尪仔所怔住、被戲臺怔住、被演師的技術怔住、口白怔住。」就這麼一見鍾情的愛上布袋戲。小學四年級，阿忠終於擁有了一個自己的尪仔，他整個晚上玩著尪仔不能成眠，一會兒空翻、一會兒旋轉，所有他在戲臺上看到的技巧，他都想在一夜之間學會、學好。而阿忠真的也從一個布袋戲的愛好者成為一個布袋戲的學習者，國二食後就以超低年齡的身份加入台大掌中戲社，開始學習布袋戲，之後又拜見俠戲大師鍾任壁為師，全心全力的投入布袋戲的迷人是界，阿忠跟著戲班跑，跟著師父、師兄（蔡武雄）走，見識到各式各樣的場面，磨練一手好記憶與口白。但是，他覺得不夠，在演出數場《三國演義》、《西遊記》等老戲後，他突然驚覺自己的聲音在哪裡？自己要做的戲是什麼？布袋戲的觀眾在哪裡？「阿忠藝合團」就是在對布袋戲環境質疑、對自我訂位質疑所產生的新興表演方式。阿忠想拋開包袱以自己的見解、自己的方式來講述屬於他的布袋戲故事、布袋戲表演，於是一齣齣創意十足的布袋戲創作作品於焉產生。會選擇在「女巫店」，是因為第一次在那個空間登台時，阿忠感受身為一個布袋戲演師前所未感受過的尊重，觀眾專心的看他的表演、整個舞台是屬於他自己的。在女巫店，他感受到他做的真正式表演、而不是廟會前的酬神活動、不是政府政令宣導的工具，所以他堅持日後在怎麼忙碌他都要來好好演，因為這裡的觀眾是專程來看布袋戲的。從女巫店最冷門的節目變成座無虛席的爆滿場，阿忠覺得這幾年的辛苦終於有了代價。他回憶起一開始到店理的時候，因為實在太冷門了，所以他的表演往往是暖場功能。比方說，今天有樂團要來表演，阿忠就先表演二十分鐘座暖場，還不能算當晚的主秀；而當他終於有機會成為晚上唯一的演出者時，好戲是有口碑的，就這樣一傳十、十傳百，阿忠另類的表演風格受到越來越多人注意，位子越坐越擠，甚至站著看、甚至擠不進店裡！

化痛苦為歡樂

阿忠的布袋戲除了戲精彩，中場休息時刻推出的廣告也是讓人拍案叫絕的表演，記搞笑且尖銳的廣告詞往往讓人放棄去洗手間，深怕錯過任何一個創意的表現。戲中間插廣告的概念，來自阿忠小時候看江湖賣藥郎的經驗、也來自AM常出現的荒腔走板的廣告；於是，阿忠嘗試運用尪仔來演廣告，來拍賣你想不到的產品。其中「米老鼠助聽器」更是從他自身出發的無奈產品—因為長期處於吵雜的環境下，阿忠的耳朵重聽了。當你聽到嘻嘻哈哈的助聽器口白，在想到他本身就是重聽殘障人士，任誰都會欷歔！

他看似多么的快乐，却没有人会想到，他为了对布袋戏的热诚，附上了痛苦的代价。只要你有脑子，一定看得出他是个创意又多元化的表演者，但往往，这一类型的人最疲倦，因为他要在短时间内，抓出一个漂亮的点子，来给观众带来更多的欢乐。为了众人的快乐，他日夜思索，再加上完美主义的性格，拼了命绞尽脑汁，为自己的表演添加更多元素，却没想到，因为睡眠不足，导致内分泌失调，患上了糖尿病，在半年内，从95公斤手下变成了65公斤，整整瘦了30公斤。事后，他开始放弃自己，二度患上了第二个病症 – 忧郁症。后来就有那么一天，他看着自己房间里的每一个布偶，突然抓回了自己的生命的起点：“这一些布袋都是死的，我给了他们多少的生命？让他们活了起来，在每一个眼里，成为大家嘻笑的原因。我为何要放弃自己？”患病后五年，他重出江湖，再次让阿忠布袋戏团，红遍全台湾，给每一个台湾人，传达快乐的气息。

我们热爱生命吗？他热爱到差点牺牲了自己灵魂，正当我们在为生命的不足哭泣，原来还有另外一个人在积极的奋斗。所谓“少年不识愁滋味，为赋新词强说愁。”我们埋怨了多少，珍惜了多少？我们这一代怎么了？我们做了什么？我们要的是什么？可悲啊！

第六十四章：捆绑我的周末

2010-07-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

I hate Weekends. I prefer Weekdays.
Weekdays keep me occupied. Weekends suffocate me with boredom.

I prefer to be in school than I prefer to be at home.
I prefer to be busy than I prefer to be free.
I prefer to go out and take some fresh air than I prefer to stay at home with the internet.
I prefer freedom than I prefer limitations.
I prefer to go through trouble than I prefer to sit still.
I prefer to get caught by ISA than I prefer to watch the fall of my country.

I don't consider the above a poem. I consider it more as a statement. It's an inspiration I got after I started to notice that I hate staying at home.

Sitting still and saying nothing seems to be the mentality of Malaysian Chinese. They speak aloud in newspapers, but when you ask them to protest and walk around in dynamic groups of a city. They will never want to do so because it's troublesome and they fear that they will get a pinch in the ass by authorities.

What we should be doing is not sitting still. We should be out there fighting for what's really Satu Malaysia, for what they really mean is equal rights. We should turn the logic around, those leaving the country shouldn't be us, it is those who bribe and are bribed that should leave. Don't make everyday seem like a weekend that locks us up away from our dreams.

*Fighting, wasn't so hard.*

第六十三章：美丽的丑陋

2010-07-13T03:52:00.000-07:00

糟糕，越来越爱用华语了 : D
最近很多事情有所感触。

（一）马来西亚
多么熟悉的四个字，踏在这一个国土上，尽管我平时埋怨了多少，心中还是会有那不少爱国的精神. 但，我见证了，不多，只是那少许的改变，或许足以让我去相信，那是一个未来繁荣富有的象征. 什么改变？就是最近在报章上，让人欢喜若狂的奖学金. 我想，首相自己也开始明白了，平等，公平的重要性.

（二）你们看不到的轮廓
满懊恼的，在面子书上，竟为一张照片上，两个不同立场的争论，争到你死我活. 战绩最后却是我被大家在心脏上狠狠刻下的一道疤痕. 潜意识中，还在为它答辩，但我在认真思索，最终让我定下了结论 – “我真得很丑”.不，我还算五官端正，只是我心很丑. 不是吗？霸道，多多少少还是会有；固执，我承认我是我行我素；孤僻，狂傲. 这一些夸张与否，我在认错的同时，也想要呈清。这十五年来，就是因为这一些丑陋的元素，所以才让我画下了今天我世界里的彩虹，他让我坚持了十五年，对于未来在新加坡发展的信念. 它让我承受了，一共三年半的中学生涯，自己一个人走过了考验. 所以，我承认它丑陋，但它却丑得太美了.

（三）生命可以消失一瞬间
昨天晚上，听了电台节目的一个环节，让我恐惧了十五分钟. 我突然想到了很极端的残酷 –“如果今天，爸妈去世了，我到何处寻找依靠？我跟他们，又有多少的回忆？”不仅仅他们剩下的时间不多，我也一样，我们都一样，没时间了，所谓的挽回，意义又何在？

Song of the Week
每天都是一种练习 - 陈绮贞

好几天了没有你的消息
才发现其实想着你
当爱被紧紧的锁在心底
自由就张开翅膀飞出去
还须要一点幽默的心情
才能面对你失望的离去
快乐的气氛也许能暂时逃避
却又让伤害更彻底
我被恐惧深深的囚禁
我没有力气逃出去
每天都是新的练习
用今天换走过去
用明天换走失去的
好几天了没有你的消息
才发现其实想着你
当爱被紧紧的锁在心底
自由就张开翅膀飞出去
还须要一点幽默的心情
才能面对你失望的离去
快乐的气氛也许能暂时逃避
却又让伤害更彻底
我被恐惧深深的囚禁
我没有力气逃出去
每天都是新的练习
用今天换走过去
用明天换走失去的
每天都是新的练习

*I'm ugly. But I survived*

第六十二章：过去，如今的为何

2010-07-06T04:22:00.000-07:00

今天下午，和往常一样，坐在书作面前，写着历史的重要笔记。只是今天，有了少许的感触，不，不只是那少许的感触，正确些来形容，就是愤怒，愤怒政府，愤怒我们的死板，愤怒我们几十年来，还在进步中的懊恼。

我今天温习了第七课：独立的马来西亚，相信只要是有研究，有印象的人，都知道其中之一的内容，描述了新加坡，如何成为了马来西亚的一部分，也描述了，马来西亚如何遗憾的失去了，这一个先今状况，无论在经济或教育或是政治上，都比我们出色的国土（若有任何错误，请包含）。新加坡辉离开我们，主要有四大原因：

（一）我们当初在经济上，无法给与他们一个令人满意的保证。

（二）新加坡质疑我们马来西亚联邦宪法上，马来人原有的本土特权，并且曾尝试要求一个人人平等的情况。

（三）新加坡指正当时的马华并没有尽责任保护华人的利益。

（四）新加坡更提出了许多看法，导致种族上的争议。根据课本所提供解释，这些点点滴滴，省直威胁了国家的安全？？？

细读到了这一个地步，我的心开始像火炉一样，燃耗了起来。翻开了下一业，才让人火上加油。咱们伟大的“东姑”说了一句话：“Jika kita tidak pisah pada hari ini, Sudah pasti pembunuhan yang menggerunkan akan berlaku ”

我在第一时间把书和笔记簿先关上，把眼睛闭下来，开始进入政治型的思维，如果当时，新加坡所开出的四大条件，政府都实现，并继续保留着新加坡。或许，我们可能看到的是一个像话的一个马来西亚，这一句话，或许不会引起争议，更不会让人有所质疑。我们可能看到的，是一个纯粹团结的力量，没有任何外界的影响，2020，更不可能只是个妄想的梦途。我们更不会有所外的人才外流，我们的名声，可能在亚洲是顶呱呱。我们的教育制度，或许不会那么复杂，也更不需要那么多的调换，训练出来的可能是更加精英的精英，或许我们在经济上的表现会比现在好很多。（尽管如此，我不排除新加坡今天大成就，其中最大的原因就是它的地方非常小，容易统治。）

把整个推测拉回我们面对的现实，光耀的出发点错吗？他想要一个更美好的国度，所以尽力提出了这些敏感的种族课题，希望政府不执著于过去，我们祖先所立下的决定 – “Keistimewaan hak Melayu dan bumiputera.”, 我们或许更加繁荣，所以为何我们不作出改变，为何还要去捆绑政治上的敏感？我们获得平安，却永远品尝不了成功的滋味，到头来，我们损失还是得益？一句话，敏感，不是因为我唯恐天下不乱，而是因为，我真的爱我的国家。I love my country.

-身骑白马-

81．36如果对你来说是个成就，那你当初为何决定要到新加坡发展？

第六十一章：冲破顶端

2010-07-02T08:14:00.000-07:00

Another 6 more weeks till we sit for trials. NIE is finally finished, so is the arca. Next up, perhaps, gonna organize a visit to old folks home and orphanage for 3A4. Hope it'll succeed. Also in the meantime, doing some real intensive revision, I don't think there will be any free time for me to go out and relax. What's to be happy is my purata though, manage to maintain it above 80. The exact figure should be 81.4 if not mistaken. I'll keep my fingers crossed for that class position. Speaking about it, our class seems very lag, other classes already have their photos, but we still haven't got ours. Other classes all ready have their positions and results, while I don't know what Pn.Premah is up to. Just gotta keep waiting.

Phyllis left us today, she'll be transferring to an international school, all the best Phyllis! Don't forget the wonderful times you had with the friends you made in 3A4. Never never delete those photos in your DSLR. When the bell rang today, everyone was surrounding her saying goodbyes and farewell. According to Jo-Ee's blog, Chee Hong gave her a hug. WOW. And I just thought of this saying my primary teacher once told me when I graduated. "Departures aren't made to separate relations, they are made to let us know how warm it feels to reunite."

Departures huh? Life is such a long journey with all the partings and landings. How do we value it. What's the value of life to you? For me, I just don't want to live with regrets, I want to pursue that musical dream and out stand one day. There are so many elements in life, but never lack of one important part that I lack of. Friendship. That's a sincere advice for ya. For me, I don't care how much things can make me suffocate, I won't give a rat's ass about the obstacles, there's nothing to be afraid of, you see an obstacles, eliminate in and progress, don't stop walking until you reach the summit.

This is a song of inspiration and also the song of the week. I believe I posted the MV on facebook.我是一只小小鸟 - 丁当

有时后我觉得自己像一只小小鸟
想要飞却怎么样也飞不高
也许有一天我栖上枝头却成为猎人的目标
我飞上了青天才发现自己从此无依无靠
每次到了夜深人静的时候我总是睡不着
我怀疑是不是只有我的明天没有变得更好
未来会怎样究竟有谁会知道
幸福是否只是一种传说我永远都找不到
我是一只小小小小鸟想要飞呀飞却飞也飞不高
我寻寻觅觅寻寻觅觅一个温暖的怀抱
这样的要求算不算太高

所有知道我的名字的人啊你们好不好
世界是如此的小我们注定无处可逃
当我尽人情冷暖当你决定为你了的理想燃烧
生活的压力与生命的尊严哪一个重要
我是一只小小小小鸟想要飞呀飞却飞也飞不高
我寻寻觅觅寻寻觅觅一个温暖的怀抱
这样的要求算不算太高?

第六十章：归路

2010-06-23T02:18:00.000-07:00

I survived my camps during the two weeks of school break, I crossed over my birthday, and survived amazingly after 3 days most of the examination papers are returned. Not Satisfying but yet as expected, obviously I could have done better, up next would be the trials and then the BIG BANG (PMR). As a conclusion, it's back to life again Yu Han, buck up.

Not much to talk about, since there aren't any real stuff I can talk about. I'm not in the World Cup Mood. Besides, like what Wei Jian said at facebook, This is officially the worst world cup ever. It even upsets me to see North Korea getting pawned to the corner. I laughed my ass out when I read to Star article : "A potful of goals." But what I can really discuss about is the latest educational issue, abolishing UPSR and PMR. Seriously, Muhyiddin, S.T.F.U, no, not Shut The F*** Up, it's "Save Tomorrow For Us." Come up with some better ideas, don't waste your ass load of time on some priceless idea. YOU SAID THAT THE EXAMINATIONS ARE STRESSING THE STUDENTS, HELL NO!!!

I personally think the root of all problems come from the misuse of results and figures, the society today put so much attention on getting the figures that they forget what is the purpose of a government examination. Anyways to solve the damn thing? I'm afraid it's too late. What the government can do right now, is stop stressing on results, on comparing the percentages between all schools in Malaysia. Slight changes should be made on the syllabus, don't make it so easy, make it a little more challenging and enough will be enough. Revalue the teachers and fire those who are obviously not doing any good for education, remain those who are really worthy of what we call a teacher.

Song Of The Week
风中的羽翼 - 杨培安

黑夜过后太阳就要升起
暴风雨过后也就会天睛
让我们一起手牵手向前
彩虹就在我们心底
人生路一定有风也有雨
用泪水灌溉生命的勇气
用希望化作风中的羽翼
让梦带走心中的忧郁
你陪伴我穿越过高山和大海
我的心有你才会澎湃
我愿意放弃所有坚持和骄傲
相信你因为相信爱

第五十九章：哭泣，战越自我的那一刻

2010-06-07T22:11:00.000-07:00

Dead blog? Nope, I'll keep it alive, but very seldom from this moment on. Suppose after the exams, This blog should be frequently updated, but hey, there are a lines of battles coming up after the month, and I don't want to end up like this exam, but I gotta admit, peeking wasn't so hard after all. *Coughs*.I don't have anticipations this time, not looking forward to the figures, I'm definitely dropping this time, what shocks me is Sejarah, my strongest subject, I LOST TO MY CONFIDENCE !!! 50/60!!!! T.T.

Back to business, there's definitely a reason for that title up there, "Teardrops, the moment I cross the borders." Yep, as usual, I went to the camp for the 3rd time. But I'll try to make my inspiration short.

I once read an article online which really kept me thinking and wondering for some time. (Unfortunately I can't find the article now.)

"Life is just like a cycle of battles, the moment we land on the earth, the moment we start to feel the touch of the doctor's palms, we are resisting pain, we fight, and we start to grow up, we walk, talk, learn, gain knowledge, and by the stage of a teenager. We start the toughest struggles of life. We're clear of our goals, we fight to achieve the figures, just so an "A" on the report card can draw smiles on our parents faces, but then I *the writer* start to realize, no matter how great the "A" is, my dad seems to be losing a part of himself, soon, the same goes for my mom too. Haven't I tried hard? It's an "A" after all. The "mystery" continued until one day I had woken up from the foolishness of my thoughts.

Humans are fighting, the battles are countless, we have our goals, that is all true. But living a life full of achievements isn't enough. Today in society, we lack of a important element. An element that has united mankind, that can prevent the break up of a nation, that has made us feel happy, that element is known as "Love". For years I have tried hard to claim victory, but my goals blinded me from giving my parent's love. I long to give them love, but now, all that's left to face, is the coffin of the person who gave so much to protect me. That proves how foolish mankind is."

In the camp, I salute the organizers that have made me cry for a shocking number of 3 times. I guess I'm really to starting to know the value of a family. They say "Work hard to pay the depths of your mom and dad." But I say, even if our parents lived for 220 years, we'll never ever be able to pay back what they have done for us.

Mom, Dad. I love you.

- 身骑白马-
* 世上有两样东西不能等，孝顺，行善…*

第五十八章：故事复杂了

2010-05-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

Even when Life get's to the climax, yet I feel blank as I try to put up an update. This'll be the last update untill the mid-semester break. So I'm gonna spit out what ever I want to say.

Exam's around the corner. Sigh, I'm really left behind. I've only just started science and sejarah. I haven't touched a single thing if you talk about other subjects. The fear I have towards maths and BM, it's shaking my goosebumps off that I can't sleep tight during the nights. It's awful. I don't wanna dissapoint myself and my parents. But somehow I don't seem to have the spirit to go on saying "You can do it, buck up..." anymore. Result? I emo. Everyone is emo. Lol?

Second, Had some time lately to think about pollution and stuff. And I made an amazing discovery. Wanna know the main source that's harming the environment in Malaysia? Sime Darby should be blamed. Look at all the stuff they're building. It freaks me out. Mom told me that they would not even let go a football field around USJ 16. And so I wonder, how they manage to get approvals from the government that easily? Simple, a little bribe and adding up the person who is receiving the bribe, someone most probably from BN, things get so much easier. And then I went deeper, isn't there anyway to stop these people? Honestly, our only hope to reduce pollution will be the next national election. That's when more other parties win a little more seats in the parliament, then things won't get so easy for BN and Money suckers from Sime Darby. And so? Pollution can also be saved through election. WHAT???

Third, err... I don't feel like talking about it. It's something about wushu... whatever song of the week? Well, it's specially dedicated to "You"...

Paramore - The Only Exception

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now

I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh---

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

Add-ups : Hari Sukan? I'm not going, but I know merah tried if they aren't victorious tomorrow... Gambateh guys :D

第五十六章：世纪性的感触

2010-04-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

“我从你们的呈现中，感受不到团队精神。。。”

And so I wonder, how long will it take till I get to see true unity in every project that commences in my secondary life. I've been in Catholic High School for two years, well, to be precise, it's been more than that, but never once have I felt the full contribution of every soul in every team I have been in. When I was in my first year, NIE totally pissed me off, Don't wanna mention about it. In form 2, my sivik projek was about to murder me, I was willing to go solo, and ever since then, people around me would think : "Yu Han should learn how to team up."(Somehow I suppose?) Team up? I gave my life and time on every project I did, but when I get serious every other team mates will be distracted, that pisses me off the most. Fine, then perhaps I'll do it the simple way, by giving jobs equally along everyone, we'll set a deadline and everyone hands in the damn sheet. When the fated day comes, I only receive excuses. Is it my prob or yours? Me being all alone today I must admit somehow sources from those facts. Screw me or you? Fuck.

Back to the schedule, I had to stay back for school as I had a camp meeting, It was supposed to start at 2 but started 15 minutes late due to speed problems, girls tend to take their sweet time eh? Really don't get it though, I am the one being serious but yet I'm the one getting fucked. They're the ones playing around while they get their benefits. That's it. Don't wanna talk about it. The meeting as usual met up with conflicts. Some one is suspecting the way of the activity that I suggested and shall lead. I'll have to do a presentation next week. So whoever that was who suspected, a nice "Fuck you" I wish to you.

Emo-ness? I emo-ed today. When I was waiting alone at 3A2 for the meeting. And yes I can't doubt it. I was thinking about you. Looked outside the windows and stared at the skies just like usual.

Having a performance tomorrow night. I'll need all my strength. So I'll stop here.

Song of the week

听见牛在哭

疲惫的旅途谁还记得来时路
我们都是生命的俘虏
要怎么说才清楚

盲目苛求幸福越盲却越孤独
还不认输单纯的付出
为她一笑而哭一而再迷路
情感像那首歌在梦里反复
一只牛要卖五千块
五千块要买一只牛
若注定这就是归宿
谁听见牛在哭
晨雾中看不清终点
回家的路

-身骑白马-

*Fallin for you=D*

第五十五章：生命的终止

2010-04-23T04:59:00.000-07:00

I felt like time and life started to stop lately. So the title up there's kinda random. If you'd think that the blog's dead, I just managed to squeeze some time up to revive it, kay?

1) Why time and life stopped? Because I've reached a point where I find no reason to keep the spirit going on. Quite some bumps blocked me lately. A little depression for not entering the finals. Eventually fallin' for you day after day after day, somehow I think it's quite unbelievable, projects and presentations. And most of all, the second battle, 2nd term examination. It kinda freaks me out to know that PMR is near very soon. My projects are so far so good, but I'm kinda left behind if it's about preparations for exams. I've hardly been able to keep up lately except for a few subjects like Sejarah and Science. I'm real worried and I conclude that it's quite depressing now.

2) Something quite fun about 3A4 lately though is our crazy culture - "The human strip" a.k.a Kai Bao. Loads of people have been stripped lately. Its somehow like a drug that can cool you down for a second or two. But once you return to reality, you just gotta face it.

3) I'm in love with the sky. I lately like to sit at one spot of the park near my house and stare at the great blue sky. It releases my stress and it reminds me of you. I wonder, how you're doing. Is your treatment going well, does it hurt? Or are you lonely. Possibly not. But I am. If normal humans have partners, I only have the sky, it's not anyone's fault, it's my weakness. Perhaps on some circumstances, Ven Zheat was right, I'm always doing things on my own. Wasn't it always like this? I've been walking these roads step by step without a whisper of any being, except a shadow walking behind me. I'm lonely, Real lonely, but I asked for it. Screw me.

-身骑白马-

*I don't know, I don't want to speak, hear, or glare... I just want a little credit, is that to much to ask for??*

第五十四章：余音

2010-04-17T06:26:00.000-07:00

踏, 那陈旧的舞台，

望，音力一波穿透，

唱，那梦想的音旋，

停，犹豫这段间奏，

闯，这副歌的力量，

然后潮起潮落，

宁静了大殿华堂，

余音，就是生命留下的遗憾，

人生不只限于舞台，

更是最巨大的演奏，

等待最后，流芳百世，

所谓的余音…

- 身骑白马 -

第五十三章：大马

2010-04-09T01:39:00.000-07:00

Yay! Lets talk about politics after some time of depression shall we? Entitled: "The top 5 problems we see in Malaysia." Why I'm writing this? Coz I'm pissed off by the Malays.
1) Education
- Obvious right? How many of us agree to the style of how malaysian authorities work on the system education? I'll give a few examples. Prob No. 1, Syllabus in primary school, subject mathematics, We're all clear that we learn 10's 100's 1000's right? I don't know if you remember but we used to have this cube made of hundreds of tiny cubes right? That's time waste, why even bother to count 1000 when you know how 100 works? And it even pisses me off when I see the subtraction, addition, multiplication, division of tens, hundreds and thousands... WHY BOTHER TO COUNT THE SUM OF 3 HUNDREDS WHEN YOU KNOW HOW TO SUM UP 3 TENS? If its so damn clear that Malaysia is far away behind internationally with all the human resources flying off to other countries, don't you think its time to change? Stop teaching "ABC", rather, you should start teaching "grammar", get it big guy? Prob No. 2, STOP MAKING CHINESE STRUGGLE TO GET WHAT THEY SHOULD GET. WHEN THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF GENIUSES WAITING, YOU CHOOSE THE NORMAL ONES, WHATS WRONG WITH YA??? Seriously, this condition makes me feel like we're learning answering techniques instead of useful knowledge, because we need to fulfill our quota to get scholarships and stuff, there's no benefit in it, not at all!!!

2) Politics
- Instead of creating issues, why not focus on how to improve the lives of 200 billions of malaysians? By that time, you'll get the support you want right? You happy, I happy, Today was a fairytale with the happy ending. Case close. Its that simple.

3) Satu Malaysia
- I've got millions of doubts to this, there are Malays out there actually saying that their clan had to make sacrifices and tolerate with other clans just so chinese could live peaceful lives in this land. LOL? Where is the spirit? What ya mean by sacrifice, talking like the king of this land, We were suppose to share the land together, it wasn't even the matter about yours or mine in the first place, why make the fuss? Second Issue, I read this article in Utusan Melayu a few months ago, it was mainly about asking chinese to stop criticizing UMNO, he said, "Look at their good side instead of the bad side." The main point is "Are there goods in UMNO?" Yeah good for you Malays, they side you and they hardly help the chinese. You say that what we have today was fought by UMNO, is it 100% the way you say it is? Is this Satu Malaysia? I say no comment.

身骑白马
只注重过程，不在乎结果，那只在团康上成立，但来到现实，这是你不该抱的态度，除非你从未想过未来会是一个什么样的结果

第五十二章：寂寞的伤痕

2010-04-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

I creep in front of the empty screen,
as a shattered soul,
locked in a faux under the stars so sorrow,
Each word type,
I add a scar to my chest,
Each letter I cross,
I feel the pain,
Each thing I arrange,
I hurt so badly it makes me mad.

I wonder and hesitate sometimes,
why life is only black and white,
I pass by without a meaning,
No one understands me,
Not even my parents...

I wonder and hesitate sometimes,
why life is only black and white,
I meet with the shit and ass,
I'm left with all the mess,
They don't show no pity,
Instead things go as granted,
and I suffer the pain...

Life is a horror,
I pay and give, yet nothing in return...
So what values are left behind?
Or I shouldn't hope for payment?

I don't know lord...
I crouch upon the chair...
Down drops the tear of April,
Signifying unhappiness...
I'm so lonely, can you read me?
No... I hear nothing...
its empty...

第五十一章: 思索我的轮廓

2010-03-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

51st post of my blog. Just noticed lately that every blog has its birthday just like us humans. So I decided to check on my bloggy. And oh!!! Its still far away... So anyway, back to the update.
FIRST!!! Kelantan trip...

Day 1:
Rushed back home straight away after school, fortunate enough there wasn't any jam. Reached home and dad was ready to fetch us to LCCT. Tummy starved and I could munch a whole cow. Went to check-in first and then only had lunch. 3.30 and Mom rushed into the gates at the speed of light. And then the main part came. The stupid police that was on duty scanned my mom's pencil box and took away her stapler and scissors. (WTF, The last time when I went to Sabah, this didin't happen, now it happens. Whats the definition for consistency?) Skip that annoying part.

Sat down. And then was informed of a fake news - flight delay, C'mon, the plane arrived right on time!! Don't scare us. When I arrived, uncle and cousin sister was there. Fetch us back to Wakaf Bharu. Uncle suddenly wanted to buy Nasi Dagang and Kerabu Hitam.(Lol? Dinner is near and you still want 3 packets?) No wonder he has a round tummy. Greedy.

At night. Ate dinner as if we reunited. Ate at Cheng Mai restaurant. Damn full because relatives left little bits of scraps for me, knowing how much I can eat. 11.30 p.m., decided to follow cousins to Pasir Mas to spend the night, Mom stays at Wakaf Bharu. When I arrived, I surfed the net for a while and then slept like a log.

Day 2:
The big day. Cousin woke me up at 6.41. Eyes were exhausted, Went to clean up, and then took off to the graves, spended like 2 hours there cleaning up the graves. I have to admit that the burning smoke was irritating. After that, went to have breakfast, nasi kukus with ayam panggang and rendang lembu. Absolutely satisfying. After that, relatives took me to Rantau Panjang. A duty-free area where you can shop for imitated stuff and brands. (Well, its the brand where you and I know very well, the tick and the triangle.)

The one thing that was funny and cocky, was the Crocs Shoe. They have this price tag on it to make you believe like its real but rejected, but take a closer look, the code on each tag is the same (= . =)
And then continued rounding, mom shopped for stuff too, she saw a fake MU jersey and bought it for me, thanks mom. And then I went to look for my uncle, guess what? He was busy trying on shoes, and ended up buying 4 pairs of fake Nike and 3 pairs of fake Adidas shoe. I asked him for an explanation, here's what he said " I'll take these back to Sabah and sell them, and then I'll make a good fortune." (...)

On the way back, stopped by a Thai Buddhist temple, guess what legend hides behind it? The sleeping buddha!! It was enormous. Pictures? Later upload. Lazy.

Day 3:
Plan to wash shoes today (Don't forget I went to the air port with my school shoes and uniform on.) But I was lazy, and relatives also invited me to somewhere similar to Rantau Panjang. That was pangkalan Kubor. So mom asked my aunt's Kakak to wash my shoes. Yay, problem solved.

Wel Pangkalan Kubor wasn't as fun as Rantau. But at least got to see the difference. Slept through the whole afternoon. At night, mom went to Pasir Mas because she wanted to give some free tution for my cousin sisters who don't even know their timestable at the age of 11. I stayed upstairs surfing the net again. I have to say one thing. Maxis broadband is so unstable.

Day 4:
RETURNED HOME!!!

SECOND!!! What I earned from the trip?
Relatives gave me his ADIDAS SHOE!!! (No, its not fake) Fake MU JERSEY!!! (Yes, definitly fake.) And two Thai Buddhist Tok Raja Rare Amulets.( Nope they are not normal, one can cost up to 4000 bucks Malaysia ringgit.)

As a result? I'm Happy and I'm not forgetting that the second exam is not far!!!
Countdown 2 months and a week.

第五十章: 乡风

2010-03-24T06:58:00.000-07:00

After waiting for a week and 3 sickening days, I'll be departing to Kelantan tomorrow, for Ching Ming.
Well, I'm not gonna ask you to not miss me, its pointless. Here's some lyrics that I'd like to share, if you're smart enough, this was meant as an advice, hope you notice who you are...

风 - 陈诗莉

风要我迅速撤离它要我离开你它要我成全你们在一起重伤的爱情凝不成泪滴无语

风曾带我到天际在那里遇见你主宰的你掌握一切魔力刹那间我从云端坠落到无靠无依

风看过爱的叱吒也见过我的崩塌好伤你背叛你的牵挂我以为我会害怕我不怕

风要我把你放下别让恨变成代价算了吧你让我一夜长大见识到人性真假想说的话找不到人说话风静静吹着我的心成流沙

And, one more thing...

Man Utd vs Liverpool 2 - 1!!!!!!!!

- 身骑白马-
* Its all about the figures...*

第四十九章: 陌生人

2010-03-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

The wonderful night that fit for a review, I lay down on my bed, Glancing at that thick pile of paper, it was definitely "Sejarah Input". I turned through the pages, trying to search for the feel that I had a year ago, and there was this voice I heard, there were 2, the source, clearly from downstairs, the living room. And there went my dad and mom, discussing about me and my perfect little life.

Curiosity kills, my curiosity automatically lead me out side my room, and there I overheard a conversation from upstairs, that then after spoiled and crushed myself into bits and bits. This was what they truely thought about me? Irresponsible, proud over a result that they did not recognize, I was a body with holes, the corrosion of habits, causing me such a terrible price to pay. And here, I have to state it out, before these words start to kill me...

I'm irresponsible? Just because I DRIP A FEW BITS OF WATER ON THE FLOOR AFTER BATH?
I'm irresponsible? Just because I LEFT THE TAP OPEN FOR THAT TWICE???? Dad, ever since you nagged at me for the incident, bathing wasn't pleasure anymore, it was like look out any time for water drops or you'll get a scolding again. Bathing while looking out for thieves. Bathing was to be careful for any disaster like dripping a drop of water on the floor. Checking the tap and close it tightly cause you'll scold me even if the tap drips a little. Responsibility? If I did not gain responsibility, I need not sit in front of the study table everyday and not leaving it for 5 hours, do a survey damn it, how many 15 year old kid can sit down and input a whole fucking lot of data into their brains? If I did not gain responsibility, I need not practice my piano everyday, you claim that I don't cause you don't get to see it when I do, And everytime when I defend myself saying yes I did practice, you say there's no point continuing to talk my son. Responsibility? Just because you became so damn independant when you were young, doesn't mean that these small things that I;m doing doesn't count as responsibility. You feel worried? I feel sad, lost, dissapointed.

Second issue, I came downstairs to inform mom about some important things about piano, I was going to have replacement class on tuesday, wednesday, and thursday, that would mean three days of lesson straight. Teacher said that I would hardly learn anything and asked if I would prefer to pay half the fees next month or continue my classes. It was because of I would hardly learn anything, you pissed off. Hello, don't bless me. Get the situation right first, its not me who requested for that half month fees suggestion, it was my teacher, ask before you talk.

You think you know me so well and yes I have to agree that you know me well, but there was one thing that you left out, it was how I feel, my feelings. Why is it that so many parents around me know how their children feel when you don't? Being in the house with you is like being with a time bomb, I never know how great you want me to be. Dad, If it was the "fuck" word incident, I apologize, But if you're unhappy, am I?

I don't seem to be any better than you...

- 身骑白马-
* 你说你不快乐, 我也从来没有快乐...*

第四十八章: 我笑着回来

2010-03-11T22:32:00.000-08:00

Its quite amazing to see the last post I made and its date, that was like new years eve, This blog should have been updated with loads of new year stories. But I gave up, since there wasn't really much to talk about. And so why it continued remaining in its quiet status? Because of exams, its an extremely important event for Form 3s. Anyway, the battles over and it doesn't mean the end, its just the beginning. And if you'd like know about how I did, I'd reply with "No comment". All I want to do is believe that one day, I would stand at the foyer of my school, holding a piece of paper with a smile that portrays with exellence on my face... And by that time, I shall confirm that I've proved my hardwork...

Back to the updates. Fisrt, examination. And the below shall be my analyzed data:
- BC: Not quite confident with this subject. Due to carelessness, I've completely failed a few objective answers. And adding up with that terrible essay which I failed to elaborate effectively. I have to say the chance of getting an A is thin.

- BM: I'll jump down from KLCC. I promise. I shall only leave my soul to stray in the streets.

-BI: If I don't get an A. I seriously must have a problem. Personally think that I did a wonderful essay.
This ain't perasan.

- SC: Not confident. It drains me down to know that my last 2 questions in paper 2 completely sucked. As for my objective. Just got to confirm that 4 questions were answered wrongly.

- MA: This is one interesting paper. In my experience, Catholic authorities would never create such standard papers. It was fucking easy. Although I sucked at paper 2. But hope the objective paper could pull me back on track.

- GE: The paper isn't really hard. Just a little tricky and catchy. I'm worried about my sikap marks.

- SJ: A whole load of confidence. Just not sure if I can achieve my target for 90 and above.

- KH: No comment due to its normality.

- PM: 3A4 is definitely gonna murder Martina for not telling us that the school moto was coming out in the paper. Overall, did not expect the questions to be that simple. Except for the school vision thingy.

Second, is about life. I'm really lost and I don't know if there are limits in his world. How much and how great must I do to achieve your expectations dad? If this is not named as independent, what is? If This isn't called effective studies, what is? Lifeless old me.

-身骑白马-
*I'm the one living my future, and you're the one being afraid...*

第四十七: 除夕之夜

2010-02-13T02:19:00.000-08:00

Yay!!! I'm back, as I type, I feel the itch peeling off my skin at my fingertips. Ironic, I;m back during new years eve. Anyway, I've got a long post to create, since its been like a whole month I've stop blogging. Loads have happen =D. I can't wait till I finish this post, Will be having homemade steamboat for tonight's dinner. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.....

First thing, Lets just ignore the conversation in my chatbox and Yong Hong's chatbox. That bunch of idiotic dickheads can go home and knock their heads at their walls. I'd wish you guys burn in hell. Jackass, if you really think what you said is right, why don't you suckers try to change and train the 08' generations? We're like puuppets to you guys, all you people do is use us to get some benefit for the team. And when the time comes, you throw us at a corner like garbage, seeking for new tools. And then when the problem pops out, you make meetings that talk about stupid stuff, and when you can't solve the problem, your solution is spamming a junior's blog, criticizing about how useless he is when you don't realize how much this person has done for you. ( PS: I'm not talking about myself. Just in case you bomb me for another stupid reason. I'd buy an insurance package for myself first.) Anyway, enough said, Leaving means Leaving, you guys not happy, fire me.

Second thing, officially announcing that, Mr.Guna's fetching me from now on. My FIRST experience sitting in a school transport. The cool thing is, He drives vigorously. Awesome... AND! When he turns on the radio. (Especially hitz.fm) I'd get supper excited, the speakers are like bass machines you can hear the beat so loudly, Thats the best way to enjoy energized music. He fetches 3 persons including me, the other one is Zhong Yih, the other is Khai Sin.

Third thing, I've bought my new year clothings!!! I'm extremely happy this year, cause Mom has finally woke up from her sleep, allowing me to buy Oreef branded clothes!!! My favourite brand. They really have quite awesome designs and its really comfortable when its on hot days, cause the clothes are made of extreme soft cotton. Nice... Surprisingly, the price seems to have become a little cheaper than last year. I bought one last year at around 35 ringgit, this year I bought it at 24 bucks. I Lol-ed when I saw the price tag. Its all complete, except I need a pair of jeans for certain occasions when needed.

Fourth, I suppose everyone is afraid of it, 1st term exam is around the corner. I didn't expected it, but turns out we have loads and loads of Form 1 and 2 stuff to memorize. I'm starting to tremble. I'm only prepared for sejarah form 3 bab 1 and 2. Shit. Guess I'll have to buck up a lot. I'll squeeze some time out this hols to do some revision. Anyway, I'm not really going anywhere except staying at home if things go as planned. I'm not even going for that class reunion dinner since Shogun is damn expensive. RM52.85 after discount!!?? That's like killing someone without guard. Really, CHS is one rich man's world which I don't really seem to belong to.

Alright, updates done, guess I'll change my mixpod songs into some new year atmosphere. Have a prosperous new year bloggers and everyone out there. By the way, if you prefer celebrating valentines, you;re the reason traditions and customs will exterminate one day. Feel ashamed of yourselves.

-身骑白马-
*虎年行大运!!!!*

第四十六章: 三十一个脚步

2010-01-29T01:07:00.000-08:00

Yep, 31 weeks people... the first month of year will be over in just 2 more days... I wonder what have I done? My senior was kind enough to remind me to stop the honeymoon, PMR's not far away. Speaking of examination, things will start really soon, and... I'm only prepared for Sejarah... XD....

Anyway, back to my update. The fourth week, Guess it was Tuesday... 3A4 returned back into a 48 membered Union. A new student was arranged to be in our class. Not sure if the guys are happy, since she's a girl, quite short (I'm not saying I'm tall.), and quite okay larhx... But I'm sure some of the girls gang (English ones) are delighted... at least the new girl is characterized as your species...

Next... My transport is unstable. I pity mom for having to fetch me day and night. Its real costly and tiring. I struggled through the month seeking for a transporter and was always ended up dissapointed with answers like "Sorry, my van's full" or "I never fetch students from your place, its too far liao..." CRAP!!! Luckily, Mr.Guna, former class teacher of 2A4, was available. Which means next Monday, I'll be in his car. But then, what's quite unbelieveble, is... Nah, not gonna mention...

OK, Tasks needed to be finnished at the time being...
1) Jingcao Long Term Proposal
2) Crappy Projek Sivik with only a team of four. (Consisting of two useful people, thats me and Ven Zheat. The other two makes me speechless.)
3) Sejarah Nota Bab 2 including a target of hafal-ing
4) Gao tim my geografi....

THATS IT.. ITS A WHOLE NEW MONTH YU HAN... BUCK UP@!!!!!!!@

-身骑白马-
*Stand up, I have to stand up...*

第四十五章: 社会.我们

2010-01-24T02:23:00.000-08:00

The society. I just lately sense the great danger that will fall. Its like the chain reaction. Which I somehow don't know how to explain, or mostly don't know where to start. Just perhaps, you might not know what I'm trying to say, but as I speak, you will at the least be inspired. That's what I hope.
Please read with patience as I'm sure it will benefit you.

When we talk about the world and its future. We know clearly how enormous it can be. So we'll start by just a small country, Malaysia. How are the teenagers in Malaysia? I wish that "you" reading this post right now figure out closely. How exactly is the correct word to describe us all? We start clan by clan. The Malays, according to what I observe everyday, they have absolutely lifeless. When I say lifeless, it means that they don't know why they exist or they don't know why they live, they don't have the force or motivation to do anything, that means they have no ambition, no dream, at all. Nothing. Blank like a piece of paper. The Indians, they aren't really good neither, I'm not criticizing. Its true, some just take it too serious on other people's eyes. They don't have confidence, there's another reason, they don't have the perfect political leader. This causes them to be one of the poor citizens of Malaysia. And thid gradually affects the teenagers to be not that potential. Us, the Chinese. Don't be happy, There's a lot of holes I can talk about including me. Our clan face the same problem too. I'll take a simple example. How do you feel when you see homework? How long will it take for you to finish 9 homework? How much do you like to learn? How many of us agree to the statement "Life suck"? The we zoom deeper in to the scope. Do all of us really have our ambitions? Are we all learning what it takes to face the problems of society life? Is this the way we pay the depths of our parents? And then we come to questions of conclusion that applies to all clans on planet earth?

Do we have what it takes to lead the future? What it takes to teach our younger generations? No, we don't even know how to budget 150 bucks for a month that includes stationary, food, or postpaid bills..

What causes this all? On some circumstances, our parents and the environment influence a part of this. Our old ones, all grow up in a non-materialistic and educative environment. They know the ways and turns to teach a child. But when we grow up, the temptation of environment is a much powerful force that mankind can overcome. Turns out, parents become completely helpless as they see us grow into rotten apples while they can do so less. Some are even unlucky, when the child is brought up by a parent who knows nothing about the traditional education but only money. He's rich so what? His status ruins the child creating a monster, a freak, which turns out to be most of us today. We have to face the fact, we are all rotting without even us knowing. That applies to me too.

And then what happens? We grow up in the future, turning out as unexperienced leaders. The old ones are forced to choose the worst among the best. But they do not know how to lead a country's social, economy, and political issues. We then become unstable, while the birth of new generations continue, and when the condition continues. We create more and more rubbish. By then we have to consider other aspects, the natural resources running out, the ozone layer becomes as thin as paper. Ice bergs vannish, extinction, extermination, the end of the world. Whats left for the value of mankind? Nothing, Nothing except the term we know... Dooms day.

Is the movie 2012 a crap of junk? I don't think so. How about you?

Actions are needed, humans.

-身骑白马-
*The day the earth still stands...*

第四十四章: 曲子的轮廓

2010-01-22T00:59:00.000-08:00

I seriously have no idea about the reason I thought of that title up there. Perhaps choir's inspiration? Anyway, lets talk random. (Don't think what I'll talk about next is really random.) Ok, Never have I had suck a free day in school since morning session like today. The main reason is due to the last two periods, it was like redefining "R-E-L-I-E-F". Well, a relief is a relief. So what exactly did I do under a condition of no homework? Well, I hid myself behind the classroom and sang. Those who were involved, you'll get the situation.

The best part was singing the hits back in 2007 and 2008 and 2009.(I think?) Really enjoyed myself back there. It has been so long since I have had the chance to sing for an hour.(PS : Shi Ken had this magnificent voice that made everyone suffer in laughter badly.) Especially the part when he sang ' Meet me halfway'. Damn hilarious. BTW, Kah Mun gave me 20 cents that I forgot to return. He suggested that I go to the Kopitiam and sing. (Lol)

Ok, the bell rang. (Oops, forgot to take our the garbage.) Aiyah, who would fucking care about that?
Rushed down to canteen and randomly bought the spaghetti which made me throw up. I had to rush to the choir room for newcomer's day. The front part... Err... I'll skip the speeches. And the performance was great. The violin player was damn good. The play was gay. And then the singing. The gang sang christmas songs. (Forgot the names.) Then the Form 1 and 2s were to assemble. I teamed up with two strangers that I knew.(Lol?) Brandon and Jun Yi, If not mistaken, to do some sort of voice interview key by key. This is that best part. I used to be soprano, but ended up in bass.
WHAT THE HELL????? (Trying not to use the F word.)

That rounds up everything. I'll not say anything about Jingcao's meeting. Damn speechless with my seniors. PBC should be burned in hell.

-身骑白马-

第四十三章: 平复

2010-01-13T05:07:00.000-08:00

Hi bloggers. Just felt that there was a need for an update. Seeing that I won't be able to update this site in the next few days... Just manage to pull myself back on the road. After that incident, I do think that dad and I needs to calm ourselves down. (PS: I'll not mention what happen.) Things have been quite normal lately. I go to school as usual. Finnish my homework on time as usual, eat as I do, Sleep as I do, bath as I do. JUST, don't talk as I do.

But things have been calmed to a temporary level at the time being. Trying to fight the negative soul inside my driver. But fighting it doesn't result in what I call motivated fighting spirit. I'm still down although I act as I don't. I act because I don't want to show depression in school. But the motives are still the same. I'll fight for a straight A and I mean it.

Things happened lately:
1) Was reminded of how a broken heart sounds like.
2) Enjoyed all my homework and writting.
3) Reviewing Form 1 (Sejarah and Science)
4) Preparing what I call the book damned chinese new year. Which means I'll celebrate the festivals
by doing revision. No plans at all.
5) Churches Burned at a 4th degree. The society today is sick.
6) Conclusion? Normal. Normal. Normal

Anything else?
Ciao~
-身骑白马-
*The moment you lead a normality in life, you should be thankful, thats what I'm trying to do...*

第四十二章: 不应有的渴望

2010-01-09T22:14:00.000-08:00

夜空和宇宙,
象征两种遥远的轮廓,
你的要求,
我的渴望,
成为一段距离,
好模糊, 好遥远...

No Matter what I do, No matter how hard I try,
I can never reach it, that level seems so far...
No Matter what I ask, its always too much...
I'm not the perfect type...
I will never be independent enough in your eyes...
I will never grow up... to you...
Because of my own doings...
Your weren't the fucker...
I was the one...

I was the piece of fuck...

-身骑白马-
*解脱,有吗?*

第四十一章: 最伟大的证明

2010-01-08T01:35:00.000-08:00

Proving is important. Especially to some people. Its one of the most powerful things on earth. If you succeed in using it, it makes anyone speechless of words. Therefore, I intend to use this weapon to blast someone off. And there'll be a list of achievements I'm about to prove to that someone. Till he goes speechless.

Statements: 1) I'll get a place in top 5 for my first term exam with purata of 83 and above... When I
get to achieve it... I'll see what you can say...

2) I'll get 8'As in PMR without even asking a tiny bit of help OR laying a finger on me.

3) I won't get sick this year so that you won't even nag at me about health anymore.

PS : The following statements SHALL BE PROVED. I guarantee and swear my life to god.

I believe everyone will agree to what I say. School life just keeps going better and better. Well, so far. What irritates me is the homework. Out of all the best thing you can ever describe about morning session, its wrecked when it comes to homework. Unlike afternoon sessions, I don't get the chance of doing homework during lessons. Therefore, Amount of homework = About a mountain high.

Second, you yawn about 35 times a day. Seriously, Its sick. Sleepiness can KILL. (zzzZZZzzz).

Currently addicted to new year song. But I don't put high hopes to this year's celebration. Looking towards my conditions. (Bad family relationship + Economic crisis.) I'll be spending new year with my books and revisions. Never mind, festive seasons don't really mean a lot to me lately. This makes me start to hate festivals...

Haiz. Still have 3 homework's undone.
Note: I finnished Copying 名句. All 40. And ended up with a hand not tired at all. This means my writting skills improved!!!

-身骑白马-
*I face the problem that you will face in a century...*

第四十章: 重阳

2010-01-04T05:36:00.000-08:00

Today's the first day of school and I'm like WTF-ed!!!! I arrived at school around 6.40, and squeezed into the dewan around 7.35, jammed in there for like around an hour. (Pengetua said that Muhyiddin will visit, but lol? And then there was the sistem pemotongan markah, wtf?)
Our teachers, (I don't know about you) gave me quite a first impression. Lets talk about them one by one. (Lolz)

Our guru kelas, Pn Premah. Surprisingly, she's Indian. The Satu Malaysia concept quite strong here. The best part is, she teaches us Maths. LOL? She gave me this first Impression of, not as fun as MR.GUNA. I'll be sued for this if she sees this post. But somehow, I can see that she's 50 50 convinced with our class's humour.

Pn Vivian, AHHH, Heres what she said today,
:"I can be very good, but if you're bad, I'll be bad." And for some reason, I prefer to say "no comment".
But one thing I don't feel glad about, is when she says that she uses TEXTBOOKS. ZZZZZZZ. Prepare for the boring textbooks 3A4.

Pn.Toh, I'm sure its spelled that way. Her chinese is way much convincing than that someone *ahem*. And I think we all know that Ying Chuan was elected on purpose because of what I said.
Yes, He is extremely responsible.

Pn. Phang, PMR or SPM? (I like the scene when Encik Chan pops out...)

Encik Chan, HAHAHAHAHA... Lots of laughters...
He is one fun guy. These are the essentials from today...
HE IS SO GAY.
Scene One: (Pops out of class and says)
"Class, I will be teaching you Geografi ah, e, you bring the colour pencil (WTF). And then the buku nota, neh, the line like this one ah..."

Scene 2: Me: Teacher your drawing so nice.
He : Ya...

Scene 3 : This one so simple.

LOLZ?

Back to the emo part. Dad came and fetch me today. I had a conversation with him that I wish to skip. And yes, sometimes it feels better to be walking on the pace alone...

And yes, if you noticed, this is a copy post from my class blog. So? After all I created it.

-身骑白马-
*Treasure each moment you have..*

第三十九章: 脚印

2009-12-31T05:07:00.000-08:00

2009. Bassically, lots have happened. Here's the list of accomplishments.
- I was able to maintain my Purata Tahunan Above 75.
- I broke through the finals in CHS Idols. (With terrible talent and performance.)
- I did charity work and serviced others for 286 hours. (Now I doubt that you guys can do that.
- I WAS ABLE TO CONTROL MY TEMPER JUST A LITTLE BIT OF PERCENT.
- I got in to 3A4 with everyone so magically !!!

And now for political issues.
- PKFZ. (Thats if you understand the issue well.)
- Najib as a new flash light of M'sia
- MCA'S Extraordinary Meeting.
- That Satu Malaysia bunk totally freaks me out.
- The freakin educational issue.
Ps: Anything else? I guess there's loads.

Finally, Resolutions:
- PMR Straight A's!!!!
-At the least get a prize for myself no matter in what location.
- Try to lose weight.
- Learn everything I need to practice in MingEn.

Lastly, blessings. Happy 2010 and we meet again next year, each A4'ian. See you on the 4th of January 2010. Nitez and be happy always.

-身骑白马-
*There's no turning back... but to look forward...*

第三十八章: 第一个奇迹

2009-12-28T02:39:00.000-08:00

Just had a nice big rest after three days straight of charity work. And so, I ended up being a little more different than the others. Everyone posted a little part of christmas activities, according to my eyes, a warmful of pics lined up before my monitor screen. I posted none because I worked during christmas. So I only get the chance to say Happy 2010. How dissapointing.

But doesn't matter. It wouldn't make any difference if I weren't working. Mom would still insist I stay at home, due to irritation of economy obstacles. Damn. Back to up date.

1) I went out for the purpose of buying school uniforms as I only have ONE for the time being. However I ended the other way round. Instead, I came home with a pair of new school shoes.(Pallas, the new ones that look like a north star, not the black striped ones.)

2) I wish I could end everything quickly. Life is as what I described, Disassembled when you face such a limit. Try having a feeling of desiring so much, but something binds you so tight that you can't do a fucking damn thing. The fact is, many people don't get to face my problems, getting what ever they want. Wasting all that fucking time. My conditions suck more than spoilt rich kid's conditions. But yet I am forced to accept that many are much more having a badass time than me. WHAT THE FUCK IS LIFE???

3) I'm fucking sick of staying at the same spot for 3 WHOLE YEARS!!!

4) I still wonder what created the universe. Logically it was the Big Bang. Then before the big bang? (Ps: Strongly advice you to google The biG bAnG.)

5) Currently addicted to Bleach.

-身骑白马-
*Demolished memories...*

第三十七章: 回忆

2009-12-21T04:30:00.000-08:00

第三十六章: 接近

2009-12-13T00:46:00.000-08:00

Time flees so fast, Soon enough its back to school... Blah...blah...blah
This holiday is okay. At least I kept myself busy and not making myself bored. Just returned to school recently to get my form 3 exercise books. Had high hopes that next years class list was out. But sadly, I ended up being dissapointed. Also bought my uniforms. Looking into the mirror of the fitting room. I looked like such a nerd. (Jeez... )

All thats left is my shoes. My Diadora Campus is in terrible worn out conditions. Intended to buy new ones around these days. But looking at the old north star shoes. I decided to check around for another few shops to see if there were any new interesting patterned shoes. Hope I won't get turned down the second time.

And the last thing of course are my books. Fucking shit, I budget for around 55 bucks and ended up giving exactly 67.50 Malaysian Ringgit. I'll murder the publishers for such a shitty price, they should refix everything damn it. CiBaiKia.

Well thats what I done lately. Not much to update though. Need to sleep early tonight. Tomorrow is a big day. Without some people at the kindy, Its finally a "Zen".Ciao~

-身骑白马-
*Arts Or science Stream?*

第三十五章: 疯狂.痛快

2009-12-06T23:04:00.000-08:00

"GRRROOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!"

!!爽快!!

Holiday main activities are finally finished!!!!
For a simple conclusion, I describe the series of camp with these few words.
"mEgA","CrAzE-NeSS","WaLaO-eH"
Nuf said....

This post was suppose to be much longer than the last post.
But due to tiring body conditions. I factorized everything.

Alright, happyness is over. Now for the sad part.
Our beloved 阿俊哥哥 will depart to Taiwan for the better good soon.
Just want to wish him good luck.
To every MingEn-ian out there. Lets bulk up!!!
JIA-YOUS!!!!!!

PS: TQ 阿俊哥哥 FOR EVERYTHING, EVERY SINGLE TIT BIT YOU TAUGHT US. DO YOUR BEST IN TAIWAN!!!

-身骑白马-
*仗打完了,只代表一个新的开始,新的挑战,不代表一个圆满的结束*

第三十四章: 书香

2009-11-27T00:11:00.000-08:00

Went to the book fair at the mines just now. Have to say that it was my first experience to visit an official fair. Like to thank mom for bringing me there, she really freaked out, she doesn't know the way actually. In fact during the journey, we lost our way. She turned somewhere and ended up being in putrajaya. We had to make a big round to get back on track. Very beckoning.

The moment I got there, I felt so excited. It was such a big place and there were books, books, Books, and BOOKS!!! First, I made a big sweep over the books and I had absolutely no idea what to buy. And then a closer look I took at the map they prepared, I finally had in mind where to visit. Mom said that the fair was the last place she would like to go on earth due to the amount of people there. She hates the crowd. (lol?)

End results? I bought two books that cost me around 80 bucks. I really need to start budgeting . I'll try to upload pictures. My cam's currently dead out of battery. Really regret for not charging it. I don't really get to go to The mines always. (T.T)

Will be off for another training camp tomorrow. Be back on monday. NUF SAID. CHAO~

-身骑白马-
*不要只局限于玩乐...*

第三十三章: 他妈的!!!

2009-11-26T05:25:00.000-08:00

MEGA UPDATE!!!!
Due to my Cb beloved computer. I had no choice and no option. No update was available (他妈的!!!) until to day my good old cousin that works as a paramedic came to reformat AGAIN. ( Thx alot !!! ^^ )
Anyways, I am finally updating. Here's what I'd like to share. Very 他妈的 experience.

Yes The holiday camp was darn epic. I mean it was like 2 days and a night and almost everyone burst into tears (Including me. 他妈的!) It was really epic. Not just the tears. It was like almost everything. The fun, joy, food (vegeterian.), friends, activities. And the main reason I feel happy is because I could return back to the center again. (The one I used to mention a few posts before.)

The first day of camp. I was checked-in. We got to know each other first. The we went to sleep. (Note: We checked-in during night time.) However, due to hard-rocked floor and freezing temperature. Almost everyone of us were unable to sleep. Girls and boys slept in different rooms of course. But the main dish wasn't this. The main dish was my friend beside me. He did not bring along his blanket for a cover up. He nearly freezed to death. The running nose was horrible. He ended up sitting in that huge toilet. (Yes, huge. Unless you see for yourself, you wont understand how huge.) One of our oldest friend there (20 or something, if not mistaken.) sat and had a nice chat with him. (That happened around 4.30, and yes, I was awake!!!) In the end, I gave up sleeping I woke up and cleaned up myself and waited with them in the toilet untill 7.10. (zzz 他妈的!!!)

Everyone was ready. We went down and had a quick warm up. Ate breakfast. And started to think of a cheer for each group. Ours was retarded. (LOLZ) And then ice breaking started. One word to say. FUN! If I had the chance. Lets play it together one day. Lunch was next and then we started a series of class. It was about something we call 团康. Their purpose was to teach us a little basic on that theme. Lots was discovered and learned. It seemed useless to me before the camp. After the camp I realize how it could actually connect one's heart with another. A bond so hard to break. (^^)

Tea-time. Next they gave every group a song and wanted us to create a dance for it. (Not what you think, the so called dance is more to 带动唱.) [Jo-Ee if you see this. Pls leave a comment in my chatbox. I know I once said that it was something retarded.]. I think what they really want to see is if we openned our ears wide during that class. (Note: We created everything ourselves and the time limit was one hour.)

Dinner was absolutely wonderful. We were then ordered to do some cleanning up work and have a quick bath. I had to use hair shampoo for my hair and body. Since I forgot to buy body shampoo and note, no one did! I felt sticky. But it was okay. Since later we sat in a room with air-conditioned temperature. And then we watched a video. It was a touching interview on someone. I'll share the video with you guys if its available. IF YOU DON'T CRY AFTER SEEING IT. YOU'RE SELFISH FAGGOT/BITCH!!! YOU SHOULD BE SORRY FOR YOUR OWNSELF!!!

The next day was the main-dish. ( Oh! Everyone slept like logs that night. Due to the tired conditions of our worn out body.) We walked to Bukit Jalil from OUG. That was around 7 in the morning. WOW, The games they planned was like MAD TO THE MAX!!! Of course, in the end we walked back again. Had lunch, and started cleanning up the center. Since there was another function, we couldn't just leave the place in a mess. I washed the toilets ( There was two HUGE toilets. ) Now, after cleanning up, the real tears bursted. OMG, the talk was like holy shit.

At first, the person incharge somehow hypnotized us in some ways. Here's how it went.
We were asked to close our eyes. He asked us to imagine that there was a place, there was an island, a magical one, where ayone who gets there is able to get and do what theyd desire the most. However, it takes a long and hard journey to get there. And now, you hold the ticket to go there. You tell your family about it. They support and suggest that you should not miss this chance. You start packing and thinking about what will it be right there. You depart to the jetty. You're now on board, you can see your family waving to you shouting aloud, "DO YOUR BEST !!! GOOD LUCK!!!"
The happiness you feel is great. The weather is so beautiful. But things start to change. A storm lies ahead. The waves start turning bigger. So gigantic and massive that even the ship cannot withstand. You start to feel the fear, you hear yellings. People start jumping in to the sea, wishing that their last hope is to swim back. However, any actions are futile. You start to regret and start to feel scared, What if this was your last day, what would you do? Would you want to leave your family? When you have not done a single thing for them? When you have not say how much you love your loved ones? What would you do? I leave the rest of the answering for you. You want to know how it ended up? I'll tell you when you see me. That is if you're interested.

Conclusions:
-Our group became the winner of the whole camp
-the followings were what I learned
- 以白纸的心态, 学习别人的长处
以宽广的心胸, 接纳所有的建言
- 有心才有行动
- 我们要做情绪的感染者,不做情绪的破坏者.
- 只要我还有一分力, 只要我海能够呼吸
我就要活出我自己的那一片天空.

NUF SAID. THE LONGEST POST I have ever created.
-身骑白马-
*坚信最高的境界,就是成功*

第三十二章：句点

2009-11-16T04:58:00.000-08:00

Just a mere update. Went to school this morning. (My last day ^^ A wonderful fullstop. ) Went to have lunch first. Met my short step-sister. (LOL) She had a conversation with someone I did not know. It was damn lame. (zzZZzz). And then I met good old Wing Sum, he gave me a parcel. It was a brand new H2O Uno card!!! They had to give me that little thing. Since my Harry Potter limited edition uno card was fucked by a GIGANTIC MONSTREOUS DISCIPLINARY BITCH.

In the hall during perhimpunan. It was just a short one. Later on, Encik Lean came to give the form 2's a simple briefing about next year. For some reason, he was a jackass to act fierce in front of us, blabbering about this and that. At the moment, I only had one thing in mind : Hey, I'm going F3!!!

Back in class, kinda like a camera party. (LIGHT FLASHES, DUN WANT TO TELL MUCH.) PS : If you would observe closely, every picture my friend took that has me in it, there shall sure be existance of the middle finger. ( ^^ )

Of course, bursts of tears when we were to depart. *Ahem*Cried like shit. Tart decided to "Yam Seng". and then there was the fullstop. 2A4 DEPARTED. Anyways just one to say, 2A4 is one of the best classes I have ever been in. Good luck and I wish I could see all my mates next year.

PS: To Jo Ee, you got to see a part of my personality, but not everything. I applaud u for having the achievement. Not many have been able to know me well. ( This is tribute to the letter. )

-身骑白马-
*Just a part of me... was what you saw...*

第三十一章：巅峰的成功

2009-11-11T17:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, heres how I feel at the moment...
50% HAPPY :Why? The 2A4 special awards was a mega, no Giga, NO TERRRA !!! Success.
50% Unhappy :Caused by the emoness, trojans, adwares viruses that are in fecting me...

And it really bugs me out when someone tries to care and fix things in my home. She thinks that she cares, but turns out she interferes. Please, all dickheads out there, never turn caring into interfering.
I'll fuck you off.

Just a few more days until holidays start. I sense great business invading. I have three camps and one project to cope with this holidays. The one big project of 2010. PROJECT PMR. Good luck every piece of fat ass out there. We shall take over the PMR empire. Not the PMR itself. Jia yous~!

PS: I'm just gonna act like the match between liverpool and Man UTD and Man UTD VS Chelsea did not happen.

Pic of the day

Nike Jordan. Lolz-ness...
-身骑白马-
*原来最简单的付出，就是承诺*

第三十章：双节的独处

2009-11-06T06:32:00.000-08:00

I was lying on my bad a few moments ago.
My air conditioner blowing its breath against me and decided to rewrite my post.
I finally know my own problem. I've been hiding myself away. Acting, pretending, being a pervert out of nothing.I feel... I'd most likely used the word inferior.

Like what I said in the last post. (If you've seen it, you most likely won't see it.) I feel hilariously lonely.
And I pretend not to be in the outside. Acting to be happy. Turns out I'm not. Lying to myself.

I need someone to talk to. But who. No one knows me. No one.

-身骑白马-
*I became my own obstacle*

第二十九章：危机

2009-11-02T05:43:00.001-08:00

ANNOUNCING CUBE CRISIS!!!
Yes folks, as announced I am facing cube crisis.
Lets put it in two ways:
1) I do not have any smooth cubes in good conditions!!!
2) I have smooth cubes but in horrible conditions!!!

Here are a few analysis that I have made:
- Currently 2 smooth cubes
- 百变魔王：Stickers peeling
- Actions? Sticker modification

- Unkown Brand : Paints Fading
- Actions? : Cant do anything.

As for my 4x4 rubix revenge. (OMG)
I hv 2. One peeling badly. Another is HORRIBLE.

Tell me how to overcome this?

-身骑白马-
*Two is always better than one*

第二十八章：当窗口开始关闭

2009-11-01T01:22:00.000-07:00

Very emo at the timebeing...
I suppose the cause is the conversation I had with dad a few days ago.
We hardly talk. Thats why every time we talk the atmosphere freezes up.

"Hows your exam?" (Finally asked)

"Bad. Purata 74.00."

"......"

"I predicted this." ( At this rate It became more cold. It was raining that day."

"(This part, I won't blabber much, He kept talking about stuff, stuff that was giving me a clue about what he expected in me. Thats right, being a good kid. [TIU NIA BU LA!!!]."

And then I asked him a question that startled him.
"Stop Crapping. What are you afraid of? Its normal for me to be this way. I won't be good just because you sent me to a moral camp. Wake up, its 2009, which kid on earth still behaves like a golden mongerel? Just tell me what you don't like about me. If its that darn purata. I'll tell you this, I have no regrets this time having this figure. I started preparation since the second exam ended. If its the attitude, fine tell me your hopes, I'll achieve it, because I am never gonna bow my head down against you."( WTF, I actually spit those words out.)

"........ Yes, I am afraid of something. Something that I can't explain. But please, I have never suspected your efforts."

And then time froze. Both of us froze in the car. That was the coldest temperature I have ever experienced. Traffic stuck, Darn it.

And then I made a conclusion. My window has shut. It was no more possible for me to communicate
unless I unlocked it.

And there we have a shut window...

-身骑白马-
*一个人走的路*

第二十七章：简单一句对话

2009-10-24T23:55:00.000-07:00

从前有个男人，

赢得了所有的光彩，

每一次的光荣，

都有它的另一半在旁边分享，

后来，他失去了那一个重要的人。

发现，没有她，光彩也没有意义。

他决定离开，

在机场，无意中遇见她。。。

她问他：“你要去哪里？”

他回答：“有你的地方。”

简单一个对话，却给了我很大的启示。。。
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< Alright back to square 1, here to update my Seem-to-be-dead blog.
Mom knows every shit I've earned back during exam.
She doesn't act to OVER as I expected.
I told her my prediciton for my purata.

"What you predict for your purata."

"I don't have all my papers back yet."

"Just give me a figure."

"80.22?"

"...... ( I tought she had in mind a 'WTF')"

"I told you not to have high hopes."

"I'm throwing you off for tution."

My reaction? GAYSHIT!!!!!
Dad doesn't know yet, I think. So I'm pretty nervous.

P.S:
Manchester United is Going to PAWN!!!!!

Liverpool's gonna lose (^.^)
-身骑白马-

第二十六章：生命中的元素

2009-10-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

Elements of the horse's life:
- Speedcubing
- Singing
- Political Agenda
- $$$ Money $$$
- Nite skiez.

Thats a perfect life.
-身骑白马-

第二十五章：雨过阴天

2009-10-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

Unable to update because Streamyx cuts lines. Anyway I am Back.
Very bored after exams. Because I hv no idea on what I should do.
Currently Practicing speedcubing. (Target: 35 secs)

Analysis of the subjects:
BM: REST IN PIECES.
BC: Safe
BI: Safe
SN: Horrid!!! (Carelessly destroyed my future. I read Science the MOST!!!)
MT: 我站在无色彩的舞台，看着死后的姿态，我的眼泪偷偷留下来...
KH: Not as bad as expected. (Finnished this damn thing in a day.)
PM: Unpredicatble.
SV: Ok with my theory paper, my practical makes me speechless...
GE: GAY...
SJ: Safe

Conclusion: I have my coffin prepared already. How about you?
zzzzZZZZZzzzzz....

-身骑白马-
*当你明白你人生中的不明白，人生就没有遗憾了*
-吴子云-

第二十四章：战场的一号

2009-09-29T05:46:00.000-07:00

EXAM!!!!!!!!
Exams!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, the Battle started today. It was quite smooth today. Unexpectedly, I did not panic. (LOL)
The first time I sat in a changed Pelan duduk. I did not like that place at all. As my papers start to "dance" when wind blows. That corner window seat SUCKED. And whats more, I can't trust the answers of the person beside me. Meaning I cannot cheat? WTF. FTW!!!

Tomorrow is science and BM paper 2. Stucking my head into that stupid Pahlawan Pasir S*hai.

Hope things will be smooth like 2day. And yes, I am very afraid of surprises. Especially when it comes to examination. (T.T)

~Signing Off~

-身骑白马-

第二十三章：月会影集

2009-09-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

Lunch at USJ 16 Sister Kopitiam before working...

古筝高手

One hell of a machine...

My new pants ^^ (Billabong)

What the hell was I thinking?

-E.N.D-
-身骑白马-

第二十二章：月光后的战场

2009-09-25T08:52:00.000-07:00

Going for a lunar gathering tomorrow.
I'll try to upload pictures. Right not, I can't really give a good description on what its like.

A few days more and the battle commences.
Feeling nervous. I need to own the last exam. And I will.

I hate flamers. Please respect me.

-身骑白马-
*Mooncakes and donuts are delicious*

第二十一章：接下来的日子

2009-09-17T06:23:00.000-07:00

Holidays are up...
And then the final term...
And then a short term nightmare (PMR) and the FINAL BATTLE(SPM)...

If there was a choice, I would choose to stay in school...
The days coming... what will it be like?
I don't give a damn about it...

Damn emo now...
Its real quiet here... I miss school...

This picturw is one of my fav's...

-身骑白马-
*Try coming to my house, you wont like it...*

第二十章：你的温度.我不存在的意义

2009-09-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

我紧握的双手让唇间的热轻轻的呼
我闭上眼睛好温暖我冰冷的四处
我捧著杯子围成圆圈像咖啡色的湖
只是我如何都找不到你的温度
我将热水开著让镜子里的我起雾
我还是习惯走著你常走的路
我把你给的过去捧在手里呵护
只是我如何都找不到你的温度
曾经我们离幸福只差一点点
而如今我却离你好远好远
就算我们相爱已经不如从前
我只希望你能时常在我身边
你的温度

I love this lyric, its quite meaningful, reminds me of someone...

Currently emo'ing, I don't want to talk about it.
I start hesitating nowadays...
Why I was borned anyways...
No matter how hard I try, I can never get what he wants...
He does not know... He cant see that I tried...
Its futile, I wish to go on, but I cant anymore......
All I wish is to leave, if I could...
The misery...
Mom asks me: "Why the misey face..."
"Mom, I wish I was two persons, then I can murder the other me, the other me has a horrible life..." And for the very fourth time,
I secretly dropped the tears, no, not on the cheeks...
but the soul...
I'm tired of hiding,
yes, I face it,
this is the truth...

-身骑白马-

第十九章：魔块方

2009-09-06T21:23:00.000-07:00

The main reason I am posting is to BOAST OF that I hv BOUGHT a 4x4 cube and LEARNED how to solve it one day. (^^) Hehe....

But, I'm really mad right now actually. Check out the class blog and you will understand. Someone has just copied my name spoke some fuckin stuff about the sejarah tips. If I knew who he was, he won't need to celebrate fathers day. (He is a boy as my class boys would only do such a thing.)

Haiz...
Studying Very hard... Just finished memorising my 名句 and 古文 and everything about Pahlawan Pasir Salak. Time is running out. I hv to speed up. 2Moro got GE Quiz, I am aiming for all correct! ( ^^ )

-身骑白马-

第十八章：时间他自然会来

2009-09-05T05:37:00.000-07:00

Had a nice haircut today. ( Nope I wont Upload the photo )
But thats not the point. Actually had some conversation that woke me up in the car with mom just a few hours ago. Perhaps dad has his own hidden agenda, I get his purpose. On certain circumstances
, we both have the same idea. ( I am currently having communication crisis with him be cause of this idea.) What matters is that he thinks that It will be too late if I don't start NOW. While I think I'm just too young for this. ( Don't get the wrong Idea.)

The story starts like this. Last year I clearly remember that he once told me : " Still remember your targets? To study in Singapore? I replied " Yes ". That was agreed by both of us. And today when I take my exam in school, he says that my results aren't good enough for Singapore, therefore thinking
that I have not been trying my best. I got mad.Those nights sleeping around 3 midnight just for the sake of memorising notes were prove that I did not work hard enough? And then started a point where both we did not want to communicate. Atnosphere at home became cold. Adding up ices from the cold war mom and dad were battling. I despised this house, this home.

And today, mom tried to give me a sign in another way. She talked to me about SPM and the future. About how life ina next few years would be. ( I don't want to decribe it but I can tell it would be like PRESSURE PRESSURE and PRESSURE.) And? Yup, If thats hard life, Singapore's gonna be bumpier. I have to keep going. Yes, and now I end up with this on my MSN Personal Message.

"The time will come, When I find that somebody, When I start the struggle, I start the battle, I end the journey..."

I now get it. Everything.

The final struggle arrives. The time for hardwork has come.

-身骑白马-
*The Lunar is beautiful tonight*

第十七章：假期又怎样？

2009-08-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

Firstly, this is a post on 2 things.
First one,

H4PPY BIRTHD@Y DAD!
(Its quite amzaing actually, my dad's birthday lies b4 Independence Day.)

Second, Happy Merdeka, So what? Malaysia ain't improving.

Today is gonna be damn emo. I can sense it.

-身骑白马-

第十六章：影集

2009-08-29T02:35:00.000-07:00

29-8-09 Saturday

My fav action when I get HYPER!

第十五章：不.完美

2009-08-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

The Holidays. The Inperfection.

-Saturday-
Yes, As planned I returned to my 3rd home. The litrerature headquarters. Quite a tiring day actually. I got there at 9 in the morning. Only 4 persons were there，珍妮姐，陈点传师，齐睿，甜甜姐姐（Nickname）.齐睿 was quite shocked to see me, he was indeed a good friend back at the camp.
Then business came. People started coming after a little briefing. I had to stay at the counter for some paper work to be done. I was the last to enter the hall for the test. Then 珍妮姐 and 陈点传师brought me for some lunch at a vegeterian restaurant at OUG Plaza (And yes, I am a vegeterian). Somehow, he reccomended vegeterian laksa and thosai (And yes, it is truely delicious.) After that, went back to the headquarters to continue work. Returned home at 5.00. Very tired so I had a nap. This was the best part. I fell asleep and mom took a pic of me sleeping. Very frustrated about it. Don't know why.

-Sunday-
The official day for the litreratry test. Kids all around. This time its not at the headquarters. Its at Taman Bukit Jalil. As usual did the same old work with the help of my mom. (THX MOM.) Adding up a few work like making the 状元帽. Its very cute and nice. Regret to hv not bring my camera along or I might hv uploaded the pics by now. Sry guys, I'll try next year. Went home at about 12.00.

-Monday-
Nth special. Same old routine spending my time at kindy. Did A LOT of revision. (It is the holidays, Holidays are meant to be spent with BOOKS.) Played chinese chess with some kids. They were pwned DEEPLY.(Which I actually hv some skills to improve with.) And also a little conflict with -I KNOW WHO- *LOLS, Sorry no cure? Then why would people even bother to say sorry when they commit wrongdoings. THE MAN WHO INVENTED THE WORD SORRY MUST HV BEEN A FAILURE.*

-Tuesday-
MOODLESS. (I could only use that word to describe tuesday as things weren't going well that day, somehow managed to finnish memorising chinese 名句&古文，I say its a miracle.)

-Wednesday-
Sucked. Horrible. URGHHH.

-Thursday-
Actually quite dissapointed. Mom said she was gonna buy a 4x4 cube for me (ORIGINALS). She brought me to Subang Parade and Carrefour (Lols?) as she heard rumours that it was available there. Bad Luck though. It was out of stock. ended up buying a mini key chain 3x3 cube. (zzz) When we got in the car, my face was like sour milk. Mom popped out with a conversation: " If you can get things you want on the spot, then why should people pay hardwork for what they want?" TWO WORDS: DAMN SACRASTIC.

- TODAY-
MANAGED TO FINNISH THE WHOLE MATHEMATICS EXERCIESE BOOK IN ONE DAY. RESULTS? OK AND IMPRESSIVE. GEO?IN PROCESS. OTHERS? UNTOUCHED.

-身骑白马-

第十四章：预感

2009-08-17T06:07:00.000-07:00

Hi folks. Here for some updates again.
Very down these days, family crisis.
Damn, I feel moody. But this is a different one, makes me think of ways to earn money.
Because I really neeed money.
Willing to do some homeworks for those that I know.
Just 1 buck a week.
Don't be selfish.
I wish I had got know happiness a little much more...
Its fated that my blog will be filled with emoness...
Why?

-身骑白马-

第十三章：承诺

2009-08-12T05:55:00.000-07:00

OK, Two things to focus on
1)Piano practical exam
~ Real nervous about this, its freaking me out... Next wednesday... It will come...doing lots of intensive parctice, this is real serious, if I pass I can make skip... So... GAMABTE!!!

2)My promise to a bunch of folks
~ Yes, I made a promise, that I will return to that place... And I'm going to... for some exam sort of activity, real happy ^^.God I miss them. RETURNING SOON (>.<)

-身骑白马-
*FOCUS*

第十二章：转泪点

2009-08-05T18:30:00.000-07:00

GroooooooaR!!!!!
I'M BACK!
No its not H1N1. Just a terrible fever and a little breathing problem but I'm fine.
And... I'm going to school!Bwahahahaha!!!!!!!
Watch out 2A4-ians... the rebellion begins....

-身骑白马-
*Gosh!A pile of homework!*

第十一章：人生中有几个快乐？

2009-08-01T03:54:00.000-07:00

我不快乐。
今天很意外的，就问了自己：“人生中有几个快乐？”
加倍失望了，想回去，
我真的没有几个快乐。

快乐是什么？
我唯一的快乐是在那一次的成长营。
无可否认，那一次过后，
已经进入另一个阶段了，可是之后?

人生中...有几个快乐？
没有？没有...
答案...明确了...
只有我知道...
我不快乐......

-身骑白马-
*Happiness?I feel nothing*

第十章：所谓的团体

2009-07-31T19:00:00.000-07:00

Made some mistakes down there. Edit? Nah... Lazy.
Why 所谓的团体?
想回去，自己也多了许多敌人，
唉，半个世纪，原来自己需要的是一个知己。

在学校，课本里面，很少会培训学生团体的概念吧？
我曾经受过一些培训，
有一次的体验，是当团体里一个人犯错，
我们整班人就被罚了。（我不说明惩罚是什么）
这是团体的概念？或者，这是团体的定义？

我很失望，因为团体在学校是完全另一回的概念。
我彻底失望，尤其对我的队伍，（某某队伍）
所有事情只有我在做？
到了尽头，还被人家说“并不是天下所有人都和你一样勤劳“。。。
一句话意味着什么？
我们这一代的问题？
没有被灌输责任感的概念？
我不理会，我只能无奈，
是失望漂浮在心头吗？
我不能改变。。。

-身骑白马-
*Teamwork?*

第九章：出轨

2009-07-29T01:38:00.000-07:00

Din't go to school today, dad insisted. Reason? H1N1, rumors say that students form our school 5S3 was infected, and if not mistaken, the classroom was just beside 2A4?! No wonder people were wearing masks yesterday...

Bored at home...
Wanted to go to mom's kindergarten, but mom forbidded me...
Reason? I might have bring the virus to her kiny... zzz...
No choice... I stayed at home today...
woke up feelin awkward this mornin at 9... ate typical breakfast and had a bath. Mom went out and I was alone surfing the net. (This was the most boring part)No idea why i decided to surf it, no one surfs the net in such early mornings right? Plus they have to go school, parents aren't considerate? Wondering...

Borrowed Harry Potter deathly hallows book from Rebecca...
Anxious about the movie... Really excited...
Well, thats all for today... wish I could get back to school, its really boring and I swear to it...
Damn the outraging virus...
Haiz.

-身骑白马-
*H1N1*

第八章：书。疯狂

2009-07-21T19:18:00.001-07:00

We have a book fair at school, and its my class's turn to pay a visit today.
Deciding to buy a book, I'm getting bored with the life I have, therefore must buy a book.
See if there are any nice books. Will upload the picture by any chance.

My class is crazy nowadays, especially for Jo ee, carzy bout a guy in our class, Ivan = =
messing around telling everyone she has his baby... (Meaning they had a one night stand?)
Thats just the first incident.

The second one is funny... "姑姑叫你啊！" Rofl?
look closely and you will understand...
its real stupid, want of the most wondeful words ever created by Zong Xuan in history of mankind...

Thats it for now, just a short post.
Bye~ bloggers...
-身骑白马-
*A final Target*

第七章：日常生活

2009-07-19T03:06:00.000-07:00

Harry Potter and the half blood prince,
quite a movie, hmm, but no climax? Pity that Old Dumbledore...
I won't wait anymore though, I am going to read the book, the deathly hollows.

Felt quite sad too yesterday, I made mum lose her 30 bucks for one meal, no choice, have to take that as a reminder, so that i won't make mistakes again. She bought a wrist band for me (^_^).

Here's how it looks like with my old one.

Woke up quite early this morning, as I planned to clean up my room today and holy shit!
My desk was like an old piece of wood filled with dust, wondering about how i survived like this.

The white object is the dust...
Grost...

This was after my hardwork...
Much better....

Objects that needed some clean outs...

Lazy to take pictures... thats just not my way...
So thats it for cleaning up...

And the drama practice. Only less than a week... Wish our class can pawn the other classes...
The costumes were nice... Thx Audrey! Thats all for today...

-身骑白马-
*A final target*

第六章：哈利的故事

2009-07-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

Watching the movie today, feeling excited.
Dissapointed that I can't reach my record... haiz...
Good news is, I got number 10 in class. H3H3...

-身骑白马-
*Achievements*

第五章：再.出发

2009-07-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

Decided to enter the chinese debate competition,
Wondering whether I made the correct decision...
This is the point where I fell from...
And my teammates... something bothers me...
They seem to have the wrong intention for entering the competition...
This ain't just any battle for pride or honour...
GOSH!!!!! Too many things to wonder...
Especially you...
A wound, never cured....

-身骑白马-
*总平均: 80!*

第四章：伤痕

2009-07-13T06:08:00.000-07:00

他，伤痕，原因？
不能... 痊愈了...
爱情的背后...
什么神秘的特征？

失眠的夜，寂寞的我，
面对一面墙，
我... 却跨不过？
即使再清醒... 也没用？

痛... 好痛的阴影...
放开？办不到...
所以墙，我跨不过...

-身骑白马-
*痛.伤.独.夜*

第三章：六道

2009-07-12T01:24:00.000-07:00

礼让化解争执，
向学化解顽固，
孝顺化解忤逆，
宽量化解失和，
慈念化解邪念，
真理化解痴真。

六道，看了过后，
你办得到吗？

-身骑白马-
*总平均：80！*

第二章：过去是宝藏

2009-07-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

过去的一个部落格，过去的一个回忆，
也许是心情日记，
也许是美丽的诗句，
也许是一种情绪，
但我不在意，

不把它消灭，
是把它当做一面魔镜，
调整自己，
也或许有一天，
看回过去的时候，

那一刻，那一分钟，
也许，过去就是一种宝藏。。。

-身骑白马-
*总评均：80！*

第一章：故事的另一个开始

2009-07-10T06:55:00.000-07:00

我愛誰　跨不過　從來也不覺得錯
自以為　抓著痛　總會修成愛的果
偏執相信著　受詛咒的水晶球
阻擋可能心動的理由

而你卻　靠近了　逼我們視線交錯
原地不動　或向前走　突然在意這分鐘
眼前荒沙瀰漫了等候
耳邊傳來孱弱的呼救
追趕要我愛的不保留

我身騎白馬　走三關
我改換素衣　過中原
放下西涼沒人管
我一心只想王寶釧

Life.Disassembled

第七十八章：灭亡

第七十六章：新年气象

第七十五章： 东西各方的教育

第七十四章：质疑

第七十三章: 有了感情的负担

这世界上最痛苦的感觉，就是看着自己呕心沥血的成就，慢慢地消失人间，化成尘埃。

第七十二章：丑角的狗屎运

第七十一章：找不到的积极

第七十一章：探望

第七十章：让我一次过爆炸

第六十九章：看不到的天空

第六十八章：最后一线希望

第六十七章：人都需要呐喊

第六十六章：残局

第六十五章：阿忠的布袋大团

第六十四章：捆绑我的周末

第六十三章：美丽的丑陋

第六十二章：过去，如今的为何

81．36如果对你来说是个成就，那你当初为何决定要到新加坡发展？

第六十一章：冲破顶端

第六十章：归路

第五十九章：哭泣，战越自我的那一刻

第五十八章：故事复杂了

第五十六章：世纪性的感触

第五十五章：生命的终止

第五十四章：余音

第五十三章：大马

第五十二章：寂寞的伤痕

第五十一章: 思索我的轮廓

第五十章: 乡风

第四十九章: 陌生人

第四十八章: 我笑着回来

第四十七: 除夕之夜

第四十六章: 三十一个脚步

第四十五章: 社会.我们

第四十四章: 曲子的轮廓

第四十三章: 平复

第四十二章: 不应有的渴望

第四十一章: 最伟大的证明

第四十章: 重阳

第三十九章: 脚印

第三十八章: 第一个奇迹

第三十七章: 回忆

第三十六章: 接近

第三十五章: 疯狂.痛快

第三十四章: 书香

第三十三章: 他妈的!!!

第三十二章：句点

第三十一章：巅峰的成功

第三十章：双节的独处

第二十九章：危机

第二十八章：当窗口开始关闭

第二十七章：简单一句对话

第二十六章：生命中的元素

第二十五章：雨过阴天

第二十四章：战场的一号

第二十三章：月会影集

第二十二章：月光后的战场

第二十一章：接下来的日子

第二十章：你的温度.我不存在的意义

第十九章：魔块方

第十八章：时间他自然会来

第十七章：假期又怎样？

第十六章：影集

第十五章：不.完美

第十四章：预感

第十三章：承诺

第十二章：转泪点

第十一章：人生中有几个快乐？

第十章：所谓的团体

第九章：出轨

第八章：书。疯狂

第七章：日常生活

第六章：哈利的故事

第五章：再.出发

第四章：伤痕

第三章：六道

第二章：过去是宝藏

第一章：故事的另一个开始

第七十五章：东西各方的教育